Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Ned Goldreyer Headshot

A Reason for Hope

Posted: Updated:
Print

Never have I been so moved by the spoken word as I was last Tuesday night while listening to the president's address to the nation. I was overcome by genuine, palpable relief as finally, after nearly three years, Obama laid plain the motives behind his unending concessions to the right and all the seeming missteps that have marred his incumbency. His explanation, though surprising, unquestionably testified to the man's humanity, and replanted the seeds of hope that he may yet get the country back on track.

For those who missed either the original speech or the re-broadcasts, I am using this space to provide a transcript. You're welcome.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good evening. My fellow citizens, I come to you tonight offering an apology. Three years ago, you sent me to the White House to restore hope in our nation, conclude our wars in the Middle East, and return our economy to a sound and sustainable footing. Instead, I have done none of those things. Instead, I have continued to embrace the failed policies of my predecessor, and in many cases, I have actually made things a whole lot worse. For example, four years ago no one was protesting our criminally inequitable distribution of wealth by occupying Wall Street. Or Los Angeles. Or Boston. Or San Francisco. Or Denver. Or Seattle. Or Atlanta. Or Dallas. Or Nashville. Or Buffalo. Or Tampa. Or right here in our nation's capitol, not half a mile from where I am now sitting.

When I was elected, I promised to withdraw our troops from overseas the day I took office, however, not only does fighting continue in Afghanistan and Iraq, but as you're no doubt aware I just sent scores of military advisors into Uganda. And while I fully intend to honor my pledge to bring home our brave men and women from Iraq before the year's end, I would strongly advise them not to unpack. On the environmental front, I vowed to reduce this nation's dependence on fossil fuels and foreign energy imports, yet thanks to me, a massive and unreliable pipeline is under construction at this very moment that will carry a virtual river crude oil from the filthy tar sands of Canada down through Middle America to the Gulf of Mexico. Many of you have asked me what happened? Why did I act in direct contradiction to the very campaign goals that won me both the nomination and the election?

America, the reason is simple -- You've been punked! That's right, my whole first term has been an enormous practical joke. Whew, I can't tell how good it feels to finally to come clean. But, America, I promise, in my second term, if you will grant me one, I will most definitely not make America the laughing-stock of the industrialized world. Again. Our troops will all be brought home, for good. Tens of millions of new jobs will be created, and our dependence on fossil fuels will end, replaced by a clean, renewable and unlimited energy source developed in secret by Al Gore, Stephen Hawking and some really clever Asian kids we found on Craigslist. But, America, I can't do this without your help. The past three years have been a hilarious nightmare, but it is over. Really. I am both sorry for and delighted by the looks I am imagining on your faces.

The question each and every American must now ask themselves is this -- Am I cool? Am I cool, or am I some kind of baby who can't just roll with it and move on? Am I cool, or am I a mean-spirited hater who has to get even with the guy who made me part of perhaps the greatest prank in this country's history, by voting against him next November? I don't think you're like that, America. I think you are cool, and I think you'll vote to let me do the job that you believed I would do when you elected me in the first place but now know that I had no intention of doing but assure you that this time I most certainly will do. Then, together, you and I can begin the hard work it will take to fix all the mistakes I've made, on purpose, at your expense, in name of a really, really terrific laugh. On you. Thank you, good night, and god bless the United States of America.