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Andy Borowitz

CIA Following Bin Laden on Twitter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | World
Andy Borowitz

The decision to track Mr. bin Laden's movements, moods, and musical tastes came late last week after the agency discovered he was using the popular social networking utility.

White House Replaces 'War on Terror' with Symbol

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The White House announced today that it would no longer use the phrase "war on terror" and would instead replace it with a cryptic symbol once used by the funk rocker known as Prince.

Madoff to Help U.S. Sell Bad Assets

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said on CNN last night. "If anyone can convince investors to buy a worthless piece of paper, it's Bernie Madoff."

Cheney to Pen Bush's Memoir

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Former President George W. Bush has decided to seek a ghostwriter for his new memoir after realizing that he faced several obstacles to writing the book himself, such as learning to spell.

NCAA Renames March Madness 'March Bipolar Disorder'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.17.2011 | Healthy Living
Andy Borowitz

The name-change, which both surprised and outraged devotees of the annual ritual, came after the National Institute of Mental Health demanded that the NCAA drop the "Madness" tag.

In New Terror Video, AIG Demands Huge Ransom from U.S.

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In the four-minute tape, a man believed to be the chairman of AIG says that if his organization is not paid its ransom, "chaos and destruction will rain down on the American economy."

Madoff Blames Ponzi Scheme on Youth, Immaturity

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Business
Andy Borowitz

Madoff pleaded for understanding, explaining, "You do all kinds of crazy things when you're at an impressionable age like 60 or 61."

Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

The president's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.

Obama Considers Tax on Cabinet

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

President Obama is mulling a controversial new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.

Phelps Congratulates Cardinals on Super Bowl Win

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter.

Starbucks Eliminates Coffee, Cups, Stir-thingies

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In an official statement, a company spokesman said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."

Poll: Obama Even More Awesome Than Originally Thought

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Obama receives higher approval ratings in the new poll than either leprechauns or unicorns, mythical beings that almost everyone agrees are totally awesome.

Obama Sends Biden on 'Special Mission' to Antarctica

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

The president was vague about what the mission to Antarctica would entail, but he did indicate that it could take "up to four years."

Levi Johnston Liveblogs the Inauguration

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

The inauguration was full of f*cking memorable images, like Cheney being wheeled around like a f*cking Batman villain.

In Last Official Act, Bush Repeals English Language

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."

A Letter from Bernie Madoff

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Business
Andy Borowitz

"Dear neighbors, in exchange for all the support you've shown me, I'd like to do something for you -- in the form of the investment opportunity of a lifetime."

Obama Poised to Become Most Ass-kissed President in History

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.

Obama Hopes to Calm Americans With Series of Boring Speeches

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Hoping to calm a nation whose nerves have been rattled by economic woes, Obama today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches designed to put the nation to sleep.

Burris Hoping to be Crowned Emperor of Universe

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Just hours after being denied a seat in the U.S. Senate, Roland W. Burris said that he was no longer interested in that position and would instead seek to be crowned Emperor of the Universe.

My Facebook Status Updates for 2009

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Andy can't believe that shoe almost hit Rick Warren. Andy doesn't think Caroline Kennedy is qualified to replace Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense, but doesn't blame her for asking.

RNC Issues Apology to Negroes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

In the apology, the RNC ripped Saltsman's song, calling it "tone-deaf, unacceptable, and offensive to every negro in the country."

Bin Laden Latest Madoff Casualty

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Business
Andy Borowitz

The alleged Ponzi scheme of New York investment manager Bernie Madoff has claimed yet another victim, as al-Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden today revealed that he lost over $1 billion in the fraud. Making the rueful announcement in the form of a video, speaking from what appeared to be a cave, the terrorist said that he had invested with Mr. Madoff because the investment wiz had promised an annual return of ten percent, adding, "Now I don't know who to trust." He remained vague about how he had first made contact with Mr. Madoff, saying only that they had a mutual friend at a Palm Beach country club.

Recession Resulting in Crappiest Presents Ever

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Business
Andy Borowitz

With fewer holiday dollars in their wallets, cash-strapped consumers are resorting to giving such unwanted holiday gifts as shoddy homemade crafts and crumbling baked goods.

Markets Crash on Pictures of Obama Losing Shirt

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

The pictures depicting a shirtless Mr. Obama wandering about on a deserted stretch of beach stoked fears that the U.S.'s financial woes were deeper than previously reported.

Caroline Kennedy Asks to be Time's Person of the Year

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Andy Borowitz

Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine's editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed today.