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Andy Borowitz

Disaster-Torn Haiti Braces for Palin

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We have suffered earthquakes, hurricanes, and disease," said Minister of Disaster Jean-Claude Mansaray. "But it remains to be seen whether we can withstand a disaster of Sarah Palin's magnitude."

Obama "Still Looking For Right Way" to Ask Clinton to Leave White House

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Obama assumed that once the former president wrapped things up with reporters yesterday, he would say his goodbyes and depart in a waiting car, "but that kind of didn't happen," an aide said.

Saudi Media Fall for Borowitz Report Joke on HuffPost

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

When The Borowitz Report jokingly announced earlier this week that President Obama was willing to admit he is a Muslim to please the Republicans, little did it know that it was triggering an international incident bigger than WikiLeaks.

Obama Agrees to Extend Republicans' Custody of His Balls

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Obama said that extending Republican custody of his balls through 2012 "was like the Holy Grail for them, but I'm keeping my eyes on the North Star," adding, "I have no idea what any of that means."

Wealthiest .0000001% Hail Tax Deal

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In response to critics who have said that Mr. Obama's decision to extend the tax cuts represents a change in his position, a spokesman for multi-billionaires replied, "If I may coin a phrase, that's change I can believe in."

In Latest Compromise With GOP, Obama Agrees He Is a Muslim

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Differences over his religious orientation have been a sore point between the president and his Republican foes, but in agreeing he is a Muslim, Obama is sending a clear signal that he is trying to find consensus.

New Facebook Layout Angers People With No Lives

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klugian, 27, joined four hundred protesters outside Facebook headquarters demanding, in his words, "that Facebook give what passes for my life back."

WikiLeaks Attempts to Expose Palin's Thoughts, Finds Nothing

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I challenge the best hackers in the business to have a look inside," Julian Assange said, speaking from an undisclosed location. "There's nothing there."

U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

Bush Admits Plagiarizing Iraq War

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I guess I thought no one would notice, as long as it had a different ending," chuckled Mr. Bush, who stood before a banner reading, "Omission Accomplished."

Palin PhotoShopped Into Alaska for TV Show, Hoax Expert Says

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Dr. Davis Logsdon said that the TV program purporting to show the former governor in Alaska "is the biggest hoax perpetrated on the American people since the faked moon landing in 1969."

Best Plagiarized Lines From Bush's Book

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to do is talk to Cheney.

Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Carnival Cruise Ships

Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.03.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to a Somali pirate spokesperson, the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor "has sent a shiver through the pirate community."

Bush Publishes Memoir, I Can Has Prezidensy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush's memoir and discovered that the book contains a "Where's Waldo?" foldout section with WMDs.

MSNBC Brings Back Olbermann, on Lockup

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We think this is a win-win situation," said MSNBC president Phil Griffin. "Our viewers will get their beloved Keith back, and we'll have him in a place that feels right for us."

Obama Admits Making Donations to Democrats

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"In retrospect, I should have been more upfront about these donations," a chastened Mr. Obama told reporters today. "I don't want to do anything that makes the White House appear to be biased towards one party over another."

McConnell: 'Election Is Mandate for Me to Be Gigantic A**hole'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The GOP Senator did not appear to be intimidated by his new mission, saying, "It really plays to my strengths."

Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was "flabbergasted" by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

Three Things to Remember on Election Day

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Don't be intimidated by electronic voting machines. There are simple instructions in English, Spanish, and Tea Party.

Fox News Estimates Jon Stewart's Crowd at Seven People

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Our total count includes Stewart, [Stephen] Colbert, and what appear to be a few of their friends and relatives," said Fox anchor Shepard Smith. "This has to be a smaller crowd than they were expecting."

Most Powerful Man in America Meets With Obama

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In an extraordinary edition of The Daily Show guaranteed to dominate the headlines for days, the most powerful man in America met last night with Barack Obama.

Christine O'Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports "the separation of speech and thought."

Three Things to Do When Clarence Thomas' Wife Calls You

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to a recent study, the odds of Virginia Thomas leaving a threatening voicemail for you are higher than those of Christine O'Donnell correctly identifying the First Amendment. W

To Boost Ratings, CNN Proposes Putting Miners Back One by One

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Like our viewers, we were riveted by the drama of the miners emerging from that mine," said recently installed CNN chief Ken Jautz. "We're willing to bet it would be just about as dramatic to see the miners lowered back into the mine one by one."

On the Culture Front: A Life in the Theatre, Revisiting the New Yorker Festival, and Redemption Song

Chris Kompanek | Posted 05.25.2011 | New York
Chris Kompanek

The discussions at the New Yorker Festival have become kind of legendary with events often selling out just minutes after they go on sale.