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Andy Borowitz

GQ Recalls New Issue After Rielle Hunter Photo Spread Causes Nausea

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

As emergency rooms across the country overflowed with people who had unwittingly opened the latest GQ and seen the Hunter photos, fresh concerns were raised over the existence of a sex tape.

Massa Welcomes Probe

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Massa's remark surprised reporters because the ethics investigation could prove to be thorough, but the former congressman was unruffled: "Let the probing begin, and the deeper the better."

This Weekend: Americans to Lose One Hour to Daylight Savings and the Rest to Facebook, Twitter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

or the first time since the time-shift was instituted, Americans will lose one hour to Daylight Savings and the rest of the weekend to Facebook and Twitter, experts say.

Colleagues Praise Massa for Reaching Around the Aisle

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

A GOP congressional aide who offered that defense also said that Rep. Massa "could always be counted on to grope for solutions."

Massa Admits Poking Staffers on Facebook

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Former Rep. Eric Massa revealed today that he poked several male staffers on Facebook and encouraged them to install a "tickle fight app" on their iPhones.

Oscars to Double Number of Dead People in Montage

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We doubled the number of Best Picture nominees this year, and look what that did for our ratings," said a spokesman for the Academy. "Doubling the number of dead people should blow the roof off this thing."

Iraqis Defy Violence to Vote for Sandra Bullock

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I do not care if she is a Sunni or a Shiite," said Yusuf Makiya, 37, who cast his vote in Falujah. "She is just so darn likable."

GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Anti-gay California State Sen. Roy Ashburn today demanded a sweeping recall of the vehicle that drove him to a gay nightclub this week.

Chapter One of Palin's Book on American Values: Quitting

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

As far as American values are going, there is nothing more American in terms of values than quitting.

Boehner Admits Letting Eight-Year-Old Son Shape GOP Healthcare Plan

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a bombshell that could dramatically impact the raging debate over health care, House Minority Leader John Boehner admitted that he had allowed his son to shape the Republican health care plan.

Rangel Deletes "Hard Out Here For a Pimp" Ringtone

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Aides to the congressman said he would take additional steps in the next several days to rehabilitate his image, including changing his "MACDADY#1" vanity license plate.

GM Recalls 1.3 Million Cars for 'Acting Like Toyotas'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With recent recalls of everything from cars to Girl Scout cookies, a new poll shows that Americans "no longer feel safe doing anything."

Obama to GOP: I Will Quit Smoking If You Will Quit Being Dicks

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

While most political observers expected the GOP leadership to reject the President's offer, John Boehner suggested that Republicans would "take seriously" Mr. Obama's challenge.

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.

Bristol Palin to Appear on Reality Show Despite Mother's Objection to Reality

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The former Alaska Governor said she is allowing her daughter to engage with reality for the duration of the show "just so long as it doesn't become a regular thing."

Toyota Chief Overshoots Congressional Hearings by 150 Miles

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Toyota president Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith's shop in Colonial Williamsburg.

GOP Launch Time Travel Machine to Disagree with Obama in Future

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Rep. Boehner said that the Republican time-travel machine was an unqualified success, and may have even broader applications going forward: "We hope someday to take this entire country back to the nineteenth century."

BREAKING: Tiger's Penis Issues Rebuttal

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Let's make one thing very clear," Mr. Woods' penis told a select group of reporters. "Tiger Woods does not speak for me."

Tiger's Mistresses Gather at Yankee Stadium for Press Conference

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With Woods' much-anticipated press conference set for Friday morning, thousands of the golf legend's mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the proceedings on the stadium's giant Jumbotron.

Palin Says Family Guy Offends Her 'As a Fellow Cartoon'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"It always hurts to be attacked, but when you're attacked by one of your own, that's particularly hurting," Sarah Palin said today in response to a recent episode of the animate series "Family Guy."

SCANDAL: Evan Bayh Admits All-Consuming Farmville Addiction

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I realized that I had to make a choice between being a United States senator and tending my imaginary farm," a tearful Mr. Bayh told reporters.

Biden Favors Military Tribunal for Cheney

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Appearing on NBC's Meet the Press, Vice President Joe Biden said today that he was "open" to the idea of military tribunals for people who tried to destroy America, "such as Dick Cheney."

Teabaggers Finally Google 'Teabag'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

One week after their first national convention, the self-styled Teabaggers are facing an identity crisis after one of their members finally Googled the slang term "teabag."

CIA: Increase in Indecipherable Chatter Turns Out to Be Palin

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to the spokesperson, the CIA first noted a dramatic increase in the unintelligible utterances around the time of the launch of Gov. Palin's book, Going Rogue.

People With No Lives Protest New Facebook Homepage

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Facebook's attempt to "simplify" its homepage may have complicated matters for the company, as millions of people with no lives are crying foul over the changes.