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Borowitz Report

Chinese News Outlet's Hilarious Gaffe About Washington Post Sale

The Huffington Post | Katherine Fung | Posted 08.08.2013 | Media

Chinese state media agency Xinhua found itself with egg on its face again on Wednesday after it reported a satirical piece about Jeff Bezos accidental...

WikiLeaks Reveals Details of Mubarak's Severance Package

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to the documents made available by WikiLeaks, upon leaving office Mr. Mubarak will receive $40 billion but will not be allowed to serve as dictator of another country for six months.

Obama Says He Will Resend Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In the days since it became clear that Mr. Mubarak did not receive the White House's initial message, Mr. Obama has been huddling with advisers to discuss a range of more drastic options, including changing the message's font altogether.

World Cannot Believe Mubarak Hasn't Fucking Left Yet

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seems to be losing patience with Mr. Mubarak: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Hosni Mubarak is an even bigger jacka** than Kanye."

Michele Bachmann Proposes "Don't Add, Don't Spell"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Rep. Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core Tea Party values" and said it would "deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling, and punctuation.

Without Oprah and Facebook, USA Worth 40 Dollars

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In an acknowledgment of the country's ballooning budget deficit, President Obama announced that tonight would be the first ever Tostitos™ State of the Union Address.

Republicans Rehearsing Grouchy Facial Expressions for State of the Union

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

For seven grueling days, GOP congressmen have been behind closed doors, refining their best winces, grimaces, and other sourpuss mannerisms under the tutelage of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio).

Hu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of Toy Story 3

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Chinese president ended a speech today on an upbeat note about the relationship between the two countries: "In conclusion, America owes me the first month's rent and the security deposit."

In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born 'Near America'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

A new GOP memo says that the Party will now have "zero tolerance" for Republicans who say that Mr. Obama "pals around with terrorists," instructing members to say instead, "Obama friends terrorists on Facebook."

To Mark 'I Have a Dream' Speech, Fox Will Air Opposing View

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"For years, 'I Have a Dream' has been synonymous with the legacy of Martin Luther King," said the official Fox statement. "We can think of no better way to honor that legacy than by offering a strongly-worded rebuttal."

Impressed With Speech, Fox Names Obama an Honorary American

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

This was only one of a series of conciliatory moves made today by what promises to be a kinder, gentler Fox News. A network spokesman said that starting this week, Fox would air one minute of civil discourse every Sunday at 4 AM.

Palin Attempts to Prove She Can Use 'Blood Libel' in a Sentence

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"When you hunt a moose, blood libel to pour out of it," Sarah Palin told reporters at a press conference in her hometown today.

Fox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Gasoline and matches don't start fires," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "People start fires."

Fox News Warns That Without Angry Rhetoric It Will Have 24 Hours to Fill

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Fox is preparing for a "worst-case scenario" in which it was pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current programming: "If it comes to that, God forbid, we'll just air 24 hours of 24."

My Idea of a Heartwarming Story

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Media
Andy Borowitz

The Ted Williams story is, of course, riveting and hopeful. But the nation's fascination with it has nothing to do with our capacity for empathy and everything to do with our addiction to instant celebrity.

iPhone Alarm Fix!

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

After days of mounting frustration from iPhone owners, Apple chief Steve Jobs today finally announced a fix for the phone's annoying alarm glitch.

Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch After Steve Jobs Oversleeps

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

My New Year's Thoughts

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Some New Year's thoughts from Andy Borowitz: MMXI is also how Sarah Palin spells "America."

Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"To be honest, it's something I've always kind of wondered about," Gov. Palin said. "Hawaii just isn't an American-sounding name, like Alaska."

Pat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Who Were Planning to Drive to Do Something Gay

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."

Winter Weather Expected to Dominate Conversations of Boring People

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.

Tea Party Cancels Christmas Pageant; Could Not Find Three Wise Men

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We couldn't find three wise men," Tea Party holiday coordinator Carol Foyler told reporters. "It's too bad, because we had plenty of sheep."

CIA Forms New Division, Stop Terrorists From Uniting (STFU)

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

On the heels of forming its new WikiLeaks Task Force (WTF), the CIA said it was establishing a new division called Stop Terrorists From Uniting (STFU).

Goldman's Massive Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman's bonuses today, inviting reporters to meet with him at his apartment in New York's Trump Tower.

Dear John McCain

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Commenting on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) said the following: "Today is a very sad day." Dear John McCain: Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't tell us.