In the days since it became clear that Mr. Mubarak did not receive the White House's initial message, Mr. Obama has been huddling with advisers to discuss a range of more drastic options, including changing the message's font altogether.
Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seems to be losing patience with Mr. Mubarak: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Hosni Mubarak is an even bigger jacka** than Kanye."
For seven grueling days, GOP congressmen have been behind closed doors, refining their best winces, grimaces, and other sourpuss mannerisms under the tutelage of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio).
A new GOP memo says that the Party will now have "zero tolerance" for Republicans who say that Mr. Obama "pals around with terrorists," instructing members to say instead, "Obama friends terrorists on Facebook."
"For years, 'I Have a Dream' has been synonymous with the legacy of Martin Luther King," said the official Fox statement. "We can think of no better way to honor that legacy than by offering a strongly-worded rebuttal."
This was only one of a series of conciliatory moves made today by what promises to be a kinder, gentler Fox News. A network spokesman said that starting this week, Fox would air one minute of civil discourse every Sunday at 4 AM.
Fox is preparing for a "worst-case scenario" in which it was pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current programming: "If it comes to that, God forbid, we'll just air 24 hours of 24."
The Ted Williams story is, of course, riveting and hopeful. But the nation's fascination with it has nothing to do with our capacity for empathy and everything to do with our addiction to instant celebrity.
With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.