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Borowitz Report

Most Powerful Man in America Meets With Obama

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In an extraordinary edition of The Daily Show guaranteed to dominate the headlines for days, the most powerful man in America met last night with Barack Obama.

Christine O'Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports "the separation of speech and thought."

Three Things to Do When Clarence Thomas' Wife Calls You

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to a recent study, the odds of Virginia Thomas leaving a threatening voicemail for you are higher than those of Christine O'Donnell correctly identifying the First Amendment. W

To Boost Ratings, CNN Proposes Putting Miners Back One by One

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Like our viewers, we were riveted by the drama of the miners emerging from that mine," said recently installed CNN chief Ken Jautz. "We're willing to bet it would be just about as dramatic to see the miners lowered back into the mine one by one."

World Watches in Shock as Salahis Emerge From Mine

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. and Mrs. Salahi, who are perhaps best known for crashing a state dinner at the White House last year, waved to cameras as they emerged from a Chilean, Mrs. Salahi attired in her trademark floor-length red dress.

Palin's Evolution Into O'Donnell Proves Darwin Was Wrong, Scientists Say

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Leading evolutionary biologists still believe that evolution is more than a theory and is, in fact, a very real thing. However, in the case of Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell, it seems to be moving in a reverse direction.

Hillary to Become VP; Biden Named President of Afghanistan; Karzai Traded to Minnesota Vikings

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the president said, "I certainly hope so."

Democrats to Employ Man Who Played Obama During 2008 Campaign

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - With just a month remaining until the crucial midterm elections, worried Democrats have decided to reach out to the...

Delaware Masturbators March Against O'Donnell

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Carrying signs reading, "O'Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation," the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

All U.S. Workplaces To Be Fitted with Inflatable Slides

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and "go off" in the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away.

70% Of Existing Marriages May Already Be Gay

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Soon after marrying, most men stop hitting on women and start shopping for furniture," the author of a news study said. "Scientifically speaking, how gay is that?"

Birthers Deny It's Obama's Birthday

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Barack Obama celebrated turning 49 years of age today amid a growing controversy from members of the so-called "Birther" movement who claim that today is not actually his birthday.

How I Got Teabaggers to Watch PBS

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Now that PBS knows that millions of Teabaggers watch PBS, I hope that they'll adjust their programming accordingly. Maybe it's time for Ken Burns to do a fourteen-hour miniseries on Glenn Beck.

Snooki: I Don't Know Who Obama Is Either

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

One day after President Obama revealed that he had no idea who Snooki was, the cast member of Jersey Shore said that the lack of awareness was mutual.

Defiant Arizona Governor Vows to Block Immigrants on Facebook

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"A federal judge has decided that these people can sneak over our border and live with us," Gov. Brewer said. "Well, they can't play Farmville with us."

BP Replaces Tony Hayward with Startled Deer

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Clearly he's a little rough around the edges," said BP board chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. "But he still did better than Tony."

Afghan War Not Going Very Well, Reports Duh Magazine

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Obtaining the top-secret documents could be the journalistic coup of the year, Duh editor Franklin Merse acknowledged: "I don't want us to get ahead of ourselves, but around here a lot of us are thinking Pulitzer."

USDA Offers Sherrod Authority Over Farmville

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With Facebook now claiming over half a billion members worldwide, Ms. Sherrod's new job will mean that she is responsible for approximately 2.3 trillion imaginary sheep.

Palin Says Refudiate Appears in Fictionary

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Sarah Palin today lashed out at those who criticized her use of the word "refudiate," calling them "incohecent."

Apple Says iPhone Works Perfectly Except for "Phone" Feature

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

At a press conference today, Apple CEO reassured consumers that, "The most important features of the iPhone, like the app that gives you a robot voice, work better than ever."

Fidel Castro Set to Join Miami Heat

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Fidel Castro's decision to make a rare television appearance tonight means that the Cuban leader is about to sign with the Miami Heat, a consensus of NBA insiders believe.

Cavaliers Owner Seen Driving to Miami in Astronaut Diaper

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Cavaliers owner was overheard muttering to himself, "If I can't have LeBron, no one can."

Obama Replaces McChrystal with Predator Drone

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

President Barack Obama took swift action today against Gen. Stanley McChrystal, replacing the loose-lipped general with a Predator drone.

Stephen Hawking: Aliens 'No Longer Interested' in Invading Earth

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, "If they showed up now and took a look around they'd be like, 'Oops, too late.'"

BP Develops Technology to Convert Lies Into Energy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

BP announced today it has developed a technology to convert lies into energy. CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the technology "because lies are a totally renewable resource."