If you want to capture someone's attention, walk into Target and ask the clerk, "On what aisle would I find products to kill..." then whisper the rest in her ear. Ten people will follow you around the store.
Did you ever wish you'd asked one more question of somebody you once knew, who is no longer around to chat with? The great unasked question most on my mind in recent times is this.
What ever happened to snuggling up on a banquet seat with a ginger tea and Jonathan Franzen novel on a Saturday? What? I'm not a man you say? Excuse me, but real men vacuum. I don't need to pound my chest like an ape and prove my testosterone count to anyone...
What's worse than being older and hungover? Having a toddler AND being hungover. You know who doesn't understand the "Irish flu?" A very demanding tiny person who relies on you to wipe their butt.
Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like smeared cupcakes on an abandoned bake sale table;
Work becomes at best a hiccup and at worst a reprieve from the routine of the day. I don't ever want to treat work as an escape from motherhood, nor do I want to resent work from tearing me away from my son.
There's nothing funny about divorce -- except what people have occasionally said, written, or done about it. Herewith are 11 examples that might lighten your load.
Recently on my way home from New York, I was cursing myself for oversleeping and getting a late start to the airport. I'm a procrastinator and hate mornings -- a bad combination for early departures.
Week 22: So, I guess this is the point where black is no longer slimming. Week 23: More gas than Exxon.
At this, we double over in laughter. It ain't our first rodeo of assembling cheap furniture from a big box store. And he and I don't argue much, except when faced with some damn assembly required.
I think I'll let this one go; life might be a little too short to add this to my list of brands I'm that boycotting. Plus, I have a very non-homosexual Armani mesh tank top that's just dying for me to wear tonight.
How is it possible that Sir Michael Philip Jagger, just shy of 72, is still whirling like a dervish while I can't tie my orthopedic shoes without triggering a muscle spasm?
Now that summer is quickly approaching, I am reminded of one more thing that I really miss from my youth. The warmer weather brings with it bar-b-cues, picnics, baseball games and family get-togethers. These bring out the foods I can no longer eat that I loved when I was younger.
I understand the slack-jawed blank expressions, trying to comprehend the difference between a latte and a macchiato. But folks, kindly step aside for those of us who speak fluent Starbuck-ese. We've got this thing down.
I have come to notice over the past few years that my "little dancing friend" doesn't show up as often in the mornings.
The third "thing" that I want to talk to you about that I miss from my youth is the "ability to drink."