If you are like me and getting panic attacks at the thought of being alone ALL DAY with the kids for this long, just know that you are not alone. I've devised a survival list for all my mommy and daddy soldiers, braving their way through this carnage called Christmas/Winter break.
Anyone know if water-walking is normal at 13 days? #NoReasonJustAsking. The Angel Gabriel from heaven came, and neglected to mention anything about stretch marks.
On Santa Day, I have these visions of amazing photos and crafts and great food and sitting by the outdoor fire pit and seeing the reindeer and riding on the hayride around the farm until we skip to the car holding hands and smiling at the fantastic experience and talk non-stop on the short ride home. Instead, the day goes something like this.
On the surface, this charitable giving may seem like the right thing to do for the holiday season. In reality, it's part of a nefarious plot being perpetrated by the lamestream media and Comrade Obama to turn true patriots into bleeding heart liberals and bring down this once-great nation.
When you have a Princess-obsessed Toddler, Christmas/Hanukkah is a hazardous time. No matter what you tell well-meaning relatives about the kinds of gifts your daughter would like, they know the truth.
Those seven Amazon boxes are really just full of stuffed animals. Is it already 11:00 p.m.? Thank God this won't take long. I see us asleep by midnight. Maybe most of them come assembled. I got this.
It started with "moist." At first, it wasn't so much the word itself, but the way it combined with other words to make them seem... inappropriate. I...
You can barely make out the flicker of candlelight from the shadows around the corner and you wondering if you should go and investigate (a seance?) when you hear the soft strains of melodic sex oozing from the record player. Sade. Your spoon stops in mid air. Oh no.
Psychologists, well-meaning intellectuals, and exasperated teachers will claim that the class clown is a disruptive, annoying problem-child who is disguising deep emotional pain by acting like an amateur comedian just to get attention.
As we prepare for the end of The Colbert Report, it is time to reflect on exactly what we are losing as Stephen Colbert retires his character and moves on to host The Late Show.
There was the year my finger got stuck between the tree and the stand. And the year we carefully secured the tree onto the top of our minivan only to discover that we'd tied the wonderfully convenient sliding doors shut -- with the baby in the baby carrier still outside.
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick, Ain't that a kick, Santa's a chick, Bakin' and wrappin' and deckin' the hall, With her wine bottle!
As Max Frisch said: "Technology [is] the knack of so arranging the world that we don't have to experience it."
Sometimes in life, crap comes your way. You can run from it, you can try to cover it up, but the stench is still there. Even if no one else notices, you know and that's more than enough to deal with.
MEMORANDUM: Please do not eat those little mini hot dogs while calling the President socialist, fascist, communist, or other words ending in -st, as saliva-saturated, half-chewed food remnants tend to travel quickly from one's angrily-frothing lips.