Forget living within your financial means. Now you can one-up the Joneses by using their money to move into a larger home in a better neighborhood with a bigger yard. Perfect for that 5-in-1 combo Moon Bouncy Castle you've been wanting to rent!
If you put on an act with the person you are dating, you will never know if he cares for the real you.
Guys, we simply cannot be outraged about inconsequential things on a day-to-day basis. It makes us no better than the two teenage girls who cried "witchcraft" because they wanted attention back in 1692.
Today, we celebrate your bleak future, where you will be forced to make your own decisions, cook your own food and fold your own laundry. The medical bills you incur will now be sent in your name, and the monthly rent check will emerge from your pocket.
If you want to capture someone's attention, walk into Target and ask the clerk, "On what aisle would I find products to kill..." then whisper the rest in her ear. Ten people will follow you around the store.
Did you ever wish you'd asked one more question of somebody you once knew, who is no longer around to chat with? The great unasked question most on my mind in recent times is this.
What ever happened to snuggling up on a banquet seat with a ginger tea and Jonathan Franzen novel on a Saturday? What? I'm not a man you say? Excuse me, but real men vacuum. I don't need to pound my chest like an ape and prove my testosterone count to anyone...
What's worse than being older and hungover? Having a toddler AND being hungover. You know who doesn't understand the "Irish flu?" A very demanding tiny person who relies on you to wipe their butt.
Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like smeared cupcakes on an abandoned bake sale table;
Work becomes at best a hiccup and at worst a reprieve from the routine of the day. I don't ever want to treat work as an escape from motherhood, nor do I want to resent work from tearing me away from my son.
There's nothing funny about divorce -- except what people have occasionally said, written, or done about it. Herewith are 11 examples that might lighten your load.
Recently on my way home from New York, I was cursing myself for oversleeping and getting a late start to the airport. I'm a procrastinator and hate mornings -- a bad combination for early departures.
Week 22: So, I guess this is the point where black is no longer slimming. Week 23: More gas than Exxon.
At this, we double over in laughter. It ain't our first rodeo of assembling cheap furniture from a big box store. And he and I don't argue much, except when faced with some damn assembly required.
I think I'll let this one go; life might be a little too short to add this to my list of brands I'm that boycotting. Plus, I have a very non-homosexual Armani mesh tank top that's just dying for me to wear tonight.
How is it possible that Sir Michael Philip Jagger, just shy of 72, is still whirling like a dervish while I can't tie my orthopedic shoes without triggering a muscle spasm?