With so many interviews, press conferences, tweets, Instagrams and Facebooks, it's hard to keep track of where presidential candidate Donald Trump stands on the issues. And even if you could keep track, a lot of what he says doesn't quite make sense.
Democratic insiders immediately hailed Stevenson's credentials and his charmingly well-worn shoes, while scholars and historians noted the Constitution says nothing about living people who were once previously dead being ineligible to serve as president.
For some reason, long before Michelle was ever pregnant, I had a weird feeling I was really going to enjoy bathing my baby. But who wouldn't enjoy bathing a baby? It's basically like rinsing off a hamster, with less risk of getting bitten.
Nearly everything you need to know about a woman can be revealed through the secret contents of her purse. Let my relationship with my purse over the past three decades serve as an example.
When danger looms, his dad-like reflexes spring into action. He is: Father Man! Seriously, do you think your favorite superheroes would have messed around with all the toxic waste and radioactive spiders if they'd known having a kid gives you superhuman powers?
Before my first was born, I had a vague notion that parents more and less had it all together and did everything deliberately according to their parenting philosophy of choice; now I know that we're basically making it up as we go along.
This is the oft-spoken of irony of parenthood. You have taken on a job with 24-hour workdays, no pay, no vacation, no rest and it requires you to handle someone else's poo, and yet you are happier than you've ever been in your life.
Some other kids will be able to read already. The teachers know what they're doing. Your kid will get there; relax.
According to people closest to Donald Trump, a diary of his, written when he was six-years old, was recently discovered. In it, the youthful Trump imagined what he would do if he were President of the United States and could build a wall like the Great Wall of China on his own.
Did you feel that? Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. Were you taken aback when you read her emoticon-less text message about her having to reschedule your next appointment? Of course you were.
I'm just a little sticker-shocked this year because my daughter starts college soon. One semester at the Princess's school costs more than my first two cars put together. Admittedly, both vehicles were used -- and complete, utter pieces of shit -- but still, the numbers don't lie. One semester = two cars.
In a TMFS sketch, the Scott Walker campaign discusses why Walker gave $250 million plus in taxpayer money for a new stadium for the Milwaukee Bucks after cutting the same amount from the University of Wisconsin system.
Here are all 17 Republican clowns wedged into three and a half minute of circus music. Gaze in wonder!
Mike Tyson once said that everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face. The same might be said of having a baby. You get home, put your newborn in his carefully decorated baby room, and then the doody hits the fan. Literally.
It happened slowly at first, then suddenly political satire was everywhere. I don't know when exactly the turning point was. It might have been 8 years of Bushisms that provided the kindle for the fire. Or maybe the absurdity of the 2008 election cycle was the turning point, when an SNL skit discredited a Vice Presidential candidate in the eyes of an entire generation.
Even when you know a baby is going to be born, nothing can prepare you for the gut punch. Tears popped out of my eyes, because this small, purplish-yellow little gerbil covered in goo was staring at me with a look in his eyes that said: "Don't just stand there you idiot, do something."