I just announced my candidacy for Recording Secretary of Larry Storch Elementary School Student Council ... Lesley and Bruce, I've always been able to count on you as mom and dad. Now I really need you to step up.
If one of these things came to my door, I would probably pee in my pants and hide. I am proud to present to you a collection of these post-childbearing horrors in costume form.
As the years have gone by, I have noticed something, as I'm sure you have as well -- scary costumes have been replaced.
I've taken to hiding things that I just refuse to part with. My deodorant is now in my sock drawer. Shampoo and conditioner? I hide those in my closet under my shoe rack and take them in when I shower each day. Razor? Underwear drawer. Shaving cream? The garage, where else?
Bartender - Voice of reason in a sea of Jägermeister. From the word Bartenderus, Latin for Underpaid Badass Head Bartender - Guy that does the man...
Are you the default parent? If you have to think about it, you're not. You'd know. Trust me. The default parent is the one responsible for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the children. Spoiler alert: It's typically the one with the uterus.
Your email writing, sending and ignoring skills are just as important as your nodding skills, and even more important than your copying and pasting skills. Here are 15 email tricks that will make you appear smart, passionate, dedicated and most of all, smart.
I pulled an all-nighter last night, so when my boss got in this morning, he seemed quite pleased. This streak of pleasure wasn't long-lived, though, and he soon started complaining again: I wasn't doing what he wanted, I wasn't getting things done fast enough.
Yes, I do. I DO put a leash on my kid. He runs off crazy and doesn't completely comprehend the English language at the ripe old age of 1.
Once he even said to the kind stranger holding the candy bowl, "My mom wants me to get chocolate. Do you have any chocolate, maybe in your pantry?"
If you believe being content comes from acquiring luxurious material possessions, living in the best homes money can buy, having all the technological gadgets on the market, and so forth, this is not the case. In fact, it is just the opposite.
The sun shines bright on the sidewalk, Your bike's in the garage, cast aside, While you sit, transfixed to an iPod, Please -- get your butt outside.
"Mom, isn't that the most awesome color you've ever seen?! It looks like frog spit and it would be PERFECT for your office! Plus it would cover up that lilac you're so sick of, wouldn't it?"
This process and practice starts with getting a one-way ticket to where you are, focusing your attention and concentrating on your environment, acknowledging how you're feeling, clearing your mind of other vehicles that are trying to transport you away from that scene.
Think you can't compete with all the Sexy Olafs and Sexy Lobsters out there this Halloween now that you're a mother? Well, think again.
It's alarming the subjects that seemingly astute people draw complete blanks on. Don't feel guilty. Who can possibly be conversant on all the information amassed since we first put quill to parchment?