You can cook dinner, breastfeed, talk on the phone and yell at the kids, all without breaking stride or missing any of the TV show you are watching.
Being a Mommy is The Most Awesome Job in The World, but some moments are slightly less stellar than others. Here are some of the reasons Mommy needed a cocktail (and a personal brie wheel) when the past week came to an end.
What kind of mom am I that shops for costumes online? And who always has to pay extra shipping to get them in time? And what kind of mom tries to control what her kids wear? Don't I know before the photo opp the costumes will just tear?
It's time to come clean, parents. All the way out of the candy-stealing closet. It's time to stand up for ourselves and demand our rights, because you know what? Kids can't do this trick-or-treat thing without us.
All I wanted is to have muesli on occasion and not picture white pus dripping into my cereal bowl, or have to worry about shopping for a bra because of my breakfast choice.
Calling widening girths! Join the Middle Age Resistance Army! Viva M.A.R.A! Bloated men! Had enough of hearing - "he's hella old," - from a twenty-so...
In trying to be collaborative, acknowledge my son's feelings and be authoritative instead of authoritarian, I made the biggest parenting mistake of all. I forgot I am the parent and I am in control.
8. Their breathless worrying about video games and social media and twerking and sex and violence and alcohol and concussions and peanut allergies and we're out of hand sanitizer!
That wasn't your fault, the ridge got in the way. Just take a wet paper towel and wipe away that line and redraw... you know what? It's gonna be fine. It'll be abstract.
Some people call me a street cuddler. I prefer to be called a "comfort technician." Actually, I prefer to be called a Navy Seal, but the desist order from the Pentagon threw cold water all over that one.
1. Around 2 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, start coughing. When your mommy looks concerned and asks if you're OK, act casual. You're simply planting the seed, baby. Planting. The. Seed.
Revlon has just announced that it is bringing back five iconic lipstick shades from past decades, starting with Icy Violet, introduced in 1946. This will make anyone over age 90 extremely happy. The other colors span the years from 1956-1999. Jungle peach (1963) might be remembered by the oldest Boomers, Sandstorm (1999) by the youngest.
I understand Goldman Sachs is prepared to make me a much bigger monetary offer with princely status and perks. I also understand that you exert influence over international trade, country treasurers, and central bankers. You enjoy perks and tax advantages beyond members of the royal family.
I know we live in partisan times but I am still mystified by the extreme level of hatred that the Tea Party has for Obamacare.