Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., is an internationally known author and counselor to straight women who are married to gay men. She also counsels closeted gay men on how honesty can help them and their female spouses. Here she answers my question.
Jennifer discovered from her husband Tom's emails that he was meeting Brad for sex. She came to see me, heartbroken, sure that her marriage to her "gay" husband was doomed. But when I examined Tom, I discovered he wasn't gay.
Most people judge the gay spouses of mixed-orientation couples, asking why they married in the first place. They judge the straight spouse for wanting to stay. Others judge the couple if they choose to remain together and make a go of it.
Gradually, I began to recover the memories of our love. They contradicted the story of betrayal and disappointment I had told myself all those years. And then I had to face a very hard question. After the anger over a betrayal, what do you do with the love?
It's painful to disentangle yourself emotionally from someone you love, whether he's a boyfriend, fiancé or husband, but it's significantly easier to untie yourself from someone legally if you haven't sworn, "Till death do us part."