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Supergirl, Please Fix My Computer

Greg Schwem | Posted 11.24.2016 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

With the holidays approaching, it seems a perfect time for Supergirl to perform some task so spectacular that it meets my "thank God you're here," criteria. How about this?

Here's What I Would Say to 10 Ministers

Greg Schwem | Posted 09.29.2016 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

I waited patiently on hold while my scheduled 9:30 a.m. radio interview became 9:35, then 9:40. Finally, Cincinnati radio host Kathryn Raaker's producer interrupted the silence.

Easter Bunny, I Have a Few Special Requests

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.31.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Let's talk about marshmallow Peeps. I'm not even going to bother researching those Easter basket staples. Face it, any food item that returns to its original shape after you crush it in your hand must contain something harmful.

I Refuse to Shower With the EPA

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.24.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

We all have our weaknesses when it comes to conservation, right? Mine just happen to occur in hotels. Sure, I'll deposit my empty mini-bar bottles into the in-room recycling container but I'm not averse to taking long, hot showers.

Presidential Candidates, Would You Accept This Rose?

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.18.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

As the lines of politics and entertainment become even more blurred, one can only wonder what the 2016 crop of presidential hopefuls will resort to as they campaign for the nation's highest office.

Upon My Death, Please Continue to 'Like' Me

Greg Schwem | Posted 04.26.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

My immediate family huddled on a couch in the funeral home's parlor room. My wife and I held hands while my daughters stifled urges to check their cell phones. A box of tissues sat on the coffee table. None were needed. Not yet.

I Don't Want Maroon 5 at My Little Girl's Wedding

Greg Schwem | Posted 03.22.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon, I have a message for all superstar rock groups fronted by charismatic lead singers who are thinking about crashing my daughter's wedding. Back off.

Pardon Me, the Father of the Year Award Goes to...

Greg Schwem | Posted 01.19.2015 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Arkansas? The state that gave us Walmart and the World Championship Duck Calling Contest? Correct on all fronts. But it's also home to Beebe, the outgoing governor who recently blew the lid off fatherly love through a promise he plans to deliver before leaving office in January.

A "Must Have" App Made Entirely of Paper

Greg Schwem | Posted 12.28.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

"Be aware of your surroundings, memorize landmarks, what if your phone dies?" I bark at my kids before subtly punching an address into my own phone and following the commands until I arrive at my destination.

If My Kids Ever Appeared on Shark Tank

Greg Schwem | Posted 09.29.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

My kids' current favorite show is Shark Tank, where budding entrepreneurs pitch ideas to a team of corporate tycoons who double as potential investors. While listening to concepts for, among other things, collapsible kayaks and colored fur spray for dogs, my daughters vigorously interrogate the television.

There's No T-I-E in a Spelling Bee

Greg Schwem | Posted 08.03.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

I have never been a fan of rewriting the rule book when it comes to sports. I wept a little on April 6, 1973 when New York Yankees first basement Ron ...

The Commencement Speech Jill Abramson Should Have Given

Greg Schwem | Posted 07.28.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Rather than simply telling the grads about resilience and imploring them to "show what you are made of," Abramson should have led by example.

The Road to Success Goes Through the Salad Bar

Greg Schwem | Posted 07.21.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

My friend Dan and I were discussing the current job market. Like many large corporations which have resumed hiring, Dan's company has a slew of openin...

A Kinder, Gentler Way to Whip Mom Into Shape

Greg Schwem | Posted 07.16.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

"Send Mom to the Y this weekend!" I had to read the website's headline twice, so certain was I that this was some sort of cruel Mother's Day joke. SE...

Five Easy Ways to Appear Smarter Than You Are

Greg Schwem | Posted 06.30.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

4. Get a tattoo of an inspirational, non-controversial figure. Be careful with this one. Teens who, five years ago, chose Miley Cyrus are now kicking themselves while Googling "cheap tattoo removal" multiple times daily.

Finding the Good in a Horrible Cat

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.19.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Call me crazy but I wish to adopt Lux. I'm referring to the 22-pound Himalayan cat who recently made headlines by angrily charging his Oregon owners,...

Taking Charge of My Banana

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.13.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Did I immediately run to my kitchen, find a banana and try this new method? I did. And it works. Will I abandon the technique I've been using since the Nixon administration? Highly unlikely. Old habits die hard.

The Dearly Departed Now Lie in Your Spam Folder

Greg Schwem | Posted 05.05.2014 | Technology
Greg Schwem

My Facebook pal Jeannie received the email several weeks ago. A close friend passed away and the service was taking place the following day. Jeannie thought about sending a sympathy card or paying her respects in person. There was just one small problem. "I wish I knew who I lost," she messaged me.

Outta My Way, I'm Off to Orlando!

Greg Schwem | Posted 04.14.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Another NASCAR season is upon us, with the world's top drivers descending on Daytona Beach, Florida this month to begin their annual odyssey of continuous left turns in front of thousands of sunburned, over-served spectators.

Hey Oprah, I'm a Decent Plumber Too!

Greg Schwem | Posted 03.31.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Oprah, anyone with an Internet connection knows by now, is also an amateur plumber. We know this because a photo of her peering into a toilet tank at her Maui home recently went viral.

Beware the Binge Watching House at the End of the Street

Greg Schwem | Posted 03.10.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

From my vantage point, I counted at least seven flat screen televisions in various locations. Three were mounted to a single wall, giving the area the feel of a Vegas sports book. I recognized the characters from Breaking Bad on the 80-inch model.

No iPhone For You This Christmas, Mr. President

Greg Schwem | Posted 02.18.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

I have a very simple solution to all the brouhaha surrounding President Obama's questionable decision to partake in a "selfie" cellphone photo during Nelson Mandela's funeral.

Lady Gaga Will Outfit My Wife This Christmas

Greg Schwem | Posted 02.09.2014 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Sometimes holiday gift ideas hit you at the strangest moments; in my case, it was during the recently televised American Music Awards. There I was in...

Everyone Needs a Summer Bucket List

Greg Schwem | Posted 10.28.2013 | Comedy
Greg Schwem

Over beers one recent evening, my buddy Jim innocently broached a subject that, up until the 2007 Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie, was rarely bantered about publicly.