If you have something to say...
Say it on the Huffington Post
If you have something to say...
Say it on the Huffington Post
The Blog
Even though I've been on planes, trains, and automobiles to get here, the full weight of my passage and of what I hope to achieve in this journey has not quite resonated until now.
In my imagination, I always thought having a biological child or adopting one would equally fulfill the mother in me. Or at least that is what I thought until a few weeks ago.
Babies are born from the womb. Maternity is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother.
I whacked sperm the other day. In a scientific sort of way. I was in an embryology lab using a microscope to spot them and a skinny pipette to bop them on their heads. My job: to stop a few sperm in their tracks as if I were a real embryologist capturing one and cramming it into an egg.
I didn't always want children. I know that's not the typical confession from someone who has dealt with infertility, but I married young, and resisted and resented the almost immediate pressure I felt to have children.
Be honest. You've played this game, haven't you? Someone tells you something awful, and you immediately weigh it against your own experience of loss (even if you do have the good grace to not openly play your tragedy trump card).
A primer on things best not to say to women who have been pumped full of mind-altering hormones and endured an alphabet soup of invasive procedures (ART, IVFs, ICSI's, IUI's), miscarriages and/or had failed adoptions.
At this moment in time, I'm an author, a job title as inspired and dreamy as a veterinarian, fire fighter, plumber, or Dolly Madison truck driver.
My life is FULL of amazing stuff. It sometimes overwhelms me. Yet there is still this attitude in our culture that if you are not a mother, you have nothing.
Sarah Ivens documented her journey for herself and others searching to conceive in Amerikarma: Good Things Happen to Those Who Can't Wait: one part travel memoir, one part healing.
What is at stake is women's ability to have authentic and freely chosen lives -- nothing less.
Support your wife. She is being pumped full of hormones and has strange people poking and probing her all over. She is going though far more than you are. Keep her spirits up.
Because we now know that chemicals in every day products can lead to low sperm counts, there are simple steps that men can take to avoid them.
We all know that going through infertility treatments can be incredibly challenging for couples. But single women who yearn to be mothers go through their own heartache.
The technologies available to people who want to have a baby but struggle to conceive naturally are many and growing, raising many vexing questions for people who want to make decisions in line with their religious faith.
I now realize I needed the miscarriage to work through some of these feelings before it happens again. I just wasn't ready. The big question now is when will I be ready?
