Relationship problems can seem to be quite tangled and hopeless when the intent is to control each other's behavior or feelings while resisting being controlled. Yet the moment loving oneself and one's partner becomes more important than controlling and resisting control, the relationship problems magically dissolve.
Whatever we do that is truly loving to ourselves -- that is in the highest good of our soul's journey on the planet -- is also loving to others. It is never in our highest good to be mean to others, or to disregard other's feelings and needs. But it is in our highest good follow our higher guidance and do what really brings us joy and fulfillment.
While you might not be aware of it, we all have at least a second to choose how we want to respond to a trigger -- and most times more than a second. If you choose to take the breath and tune in, you have a chance of responding from your loving adult self rather reacting from your ego wounded self. You have the chance to move into compassion for yourself.
I had been caretaking for so long that it was habitual and addictive. However, once I realized that it was controlling rather than loving, I became determined to heal this addiction. I'm happy to say that loving myself and sharing my love with others is what I do most of the time now, and it brings me great joy!