How did we get to this ridiculous place, where losing the baby weight is a competitive sport followed by millions?
You may feel your children have nothing in common with the newborn Prince, but they share something with every other child on this planet.
It's not that I am not happy for Will and Kate -- I suppose that I am, as I would be for any couple giving birth to a healthy baby. However, I simply couldn't watch all the media coverage, as it brought up all the pain, time and energy I spent in pursuit of my own baby bump, birth and baby.
But seriously ya'll, I truly believe that if Jesus came back today, he would probably be holding his face in his hands in utter disbelief. In fact, I'd even bet that he'd opt for a name change.
To help the royal family sort through the long list of potential "wannabe princesses," here is a cheat sheet of play-date-worthy tots and those to avoid on the playground.
But the American media obsession with the British monarchy, and the line of succession, is appalling. I mean, really: Who cares who'll be king? This isn't Game of Thrones (unfortunately).
In the spirit of continuing to blend tradition and her own thoroughly modern mark on the royal family, this is my official royal request for Kate to add blogger to her title.
Most of the world is joyously welcoming the arrival of the Prince of Cambridge. And while I find myself caught up in the excitement, what would give me real cause for celebration is if Kate does the very ordinary but extraordinarily important motherly act of breastfeeding her baby.
More hot weather is in store for the little prince -- and every other kid born into this generation. By the middle of this century, according to Greater London Authority, most summers in London will be as hot as the city's epic heat wave of 2003, which killed an estimated 600 people.
This week The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge join millions of parents in the latter phase of parenting, one which will necessitate very active roles in ensuring their child fulfills their personal hopes as well as the hopes of an entire country and world... no small task for certain.
The original William & Kate is basically the Sharknado of rom-coms. It's so bad, with a touch of nonsensicalness, that you can't help but have a soft spot in your heart for it.
To the general public, please remember that it is not your job to watch news reports about a baby that may or may not be real. Your job is to pay attention to the toddler in your life.
I wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming new arrival and offer some sage advice from parents everywhere. You are in for incredible changes just ahead including a major lack of sleep for your servants and staff and nurses.
This hairdo looked like the Duchess of Cambridge got into a tussle with a pin-up and a flower child, and there was no clear winner. Would my fiancé Jason even recognize this bride coming towards him down the aisle, with her Medusa tendrils?
It's a boy! The long "great Kate wait" has ended, time to pop bottles and clink glasses.