I felt fear that we might never experience the chaos of everyday life with children, that our house might never be filled with laughter other than our own. I cried thinking I may never trip over a toy on my way to bed or have a teddy bear to pick up and put away.
Motherhood is surreal. Despite your best intentions to be a "cool mom," it's often hard to refrain from bursting out with absurdities like "We don't eat iPhones in this house," or "Get your tiara off the cat."
I've compiled a list of the different types of tired that affect us parents. What? You didn't know there were different types of tired? In between yawns, give this list a read and let me know if you identify with any of them. Or all of them, like me.
I didn't realize it until there were two of them, until I looked over at Austin one night and realized we are basically roommates chasing a drunk toddler and passing a newborn back and forth in a game of grownup hot potato.
These days, it's sometimes hard to recall who we were before parenthood. Sure, you're still you and I'm still me, but having two kids in just as many years has made it difficult to take a breath and step outside of our roles as mother and father.
I was seething. The layers of resentment that hover on a daily basis, waiting for a weak moment, leapt at me. Laundry, lunches, cat litter, pet food, coffee, bills, rehearsal schedules and permission slips.
I could stay awake for 24 hours straight and was still sane enough to do the daily chores. I could fly from my room to my child's room if I heard him cry. I became invisible when he was sleeping, as I wanted him to have a good night's sleep.
Have you ever re-watched your favorite teen drama only to realize that you now identify more with the PARENTS than with the kids? (Wow, Jim and Cindy Walsh really did have some good advice... Brenda WAS being selfish, Brandon really DID need to loosen up...)
When I became a mom, I knew my life would change. There would be diapers, sleepless nights and booties -- and I am one of those weirdos who actually enjoyed most of it. But what I did not realize was that I would never again use the bathroom alone.
In the throes of my years of IVF, I never really spent time thinking of actually parenting these kids. I was so focused on growing them and keeping them in there and then birthing them and then having them not die in their sleep. And I did it. Three times.