I hate X Factor. I make no secret of it. It infuriates, upsets and troubles me. It's like a manipulative ex who the rest of the family love but whom was actually inherently mad, bad and dangerous to know.
We kicked off episode 3 in Kansas City, where the big news in the arena was that poor, delicate Simon Cowell was feeling under the weather and was skipping the auditions, presumably to roll around on a bed covered in $100 bills.