I felt like a failure. I'd had two children; the first got cancer and now the second one was probably going to die because I couldn't hold up my end of the bargain. I'd brought our whole family back into the world of sickness and worry. The guilt was all-encompassing.
I didn't know that you would be the one to hold and rock my baby when I wasn't there. I didn't know you. I didn't know how intertwined our lives would become. I know you now. I'll never be able to think of my child's life without thinking of you.
I was on rotation, and a couple came in after a botched attempt at a home delivery. One by one, the baby's systems shut down. As instructed, I just kept adding stuff to keep him alive. Nothing was working. I was 26, depressed, and started to cry.