Russell Hantz

Last night's episode caused me to jump up aghast when I saw Matt Elrod, having regained entry to the game after masterfully winning six challenges in a row, throw it all away with an incredible blunder.

We opened this week with a terrifying nightmare vision: Russell had cloned thousands of exact replicas of himself, and they were waking up, and flying off to attack!

Survivor opened this week watching Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, arriving on Zombie Island, a newly-made member of The Squawking Dead, like all Christians, seeking Redemption and Resurrection, whereas what he needs is what all zombies seek: brains.

So we got our first look at Zombie Island. Oh, they call it "Redemption Island," but every time I've ever heard someone offering "redemption," it always turns out to be a religious con-man-or-woman.

In his online bio, David says: "9 times out of 10, when I walk into a room, I'm the most-intelligent person there." Perhaps, but obviously, when he's outdoors, he's the idiot wearing a black business suit into the rain forest.

Did they neglect the psych evaluations on the contestants this time around? Because we saw some seriously deranged behavior in this week's episode of Survivor, not to mention a crime wave of footwear theft.

It began with Jeff Probst's voice telling us: "This is Nicaragua: remote, mysterious, dangerous." He left out poverty-ridden (second-poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, barely beating out Haiti), oppressed, run by a powerful Marxist leader.

Over in Samoa, Jerri, having profited from the use of Candice's disloyalty, now suggested cutting her loose, for being untrustworthy. Excuse me? Show me one Insufferable who is trustworthy.

No matter what those dopey Twilight movies tell you, werewolves make lousy house pets. But someone else was morphing into a monster under last night's full moon as well...

Happy Shakespeare's Birthday everyone. Let's celebrate by talking about Survivor, which is exactly what Shakespeare would have written if only he had had no talent.

Parvati didn't flip and Courtney's skeleton went back to her graveyard or haunted castle or wherever it is that living skeletons hang out. Poor JT. Totally betrayed.

There really is no one left to root for playing Survivor. (It's not like Rupert has a chance of winning. Get real.) The only thing left to make one tune it in is to see the inevitable fall of Bulbous Baggins, aka, Russell The Hobbit on Crack.

Rob described Tyson the Mormon Moron as having been "as dumb as a bag of rocks," although I think this was unnecessarily insulting to bags of rocks.

In the final episode, good prevailed when fellow contestants voted against the evil, manipulative, lying, 'swearing on kids' lives' player, Russell.

After returning from Tribal Council, my beautiful James asked Colby "You want a hug?" and the idiot said: "No." Is he insane? First he turned down chocolate, now he's turned down a chocolate hug.

The 20th season of "Survivor" is concluded, the first two-time winner has been crowned, Russell Hantz is ticked off ... and I have some questions.

Jeff opened the big three hour finale and reunion show by reading my recaps aloud over clips, only he cut all the good jokes. Well, Colby remained, and he's still a joke.

It's almost over. Just one little hour tonight, and then the big two-hour finale followed by live reunion show, which will hopefully be the last anyon...

Sadly, not every episode of Survivor can be as much fun as last week's dynamite combination of Voldepussy's crying jag and James dripping baby oil.

We opened this week with Voldetool (Ex-Coach Wade for any new readers), going into a ridiculous emotional tailspin because Sandra had dared to point out that he was a lazy, mouth-running, idiot.

What? Survivor again? All I care about is how feral Claire turned into Rousseau, becoming Clouseau. Oh well, it's a dirty job, especially this week, b...

Samoa's war between the Likeables and the Insufferables continues. It may not be getting as much international attention the Olympics, but at least in Samoa, the contestants are stripped down.

Survivor is back for its 20th season. This time, they've promised to answer all our questions. And thanks to a judge who believes in good TV, we don't have Richard Hatch to put up with.

Natalie White may be the most unexpected winner of Survivor since the series began ten years ago.

The point here is to cast light on the devil incarnate of the most recent Survivor, which concluded Sunday night on CBS. Machiavellian is too tame to describe the overconfident and somewhat deluded Russell Hantz.