Part fifteen in a series.
"There is a reason why Communication Week follows Self-Esteem in Spiritual Boot Camp," said James Mellon. "First, you get...
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I couldn't handle seeing affection between men without feeling extreme lack, jealousy and envy. All it did was make me want whatever they had right now! The only way I knew to get it, and fast, was through sex.
When I am clear and no garbage is blocking me, I'm always aware of a deep power within. As I did a few paragraphs ago, I call it "the knowing."
The question of whether or not I am a perfectionist was an absolute no-brainer to answer. The answer is 'no' and I have Barbra Streisand to thank for that.
As "Life Force" week began, I lived out a dream to be lead vocalist for a band. At Sunday's weekly NoHo Arts "celebration", I sang a tune written by singer/songwriter Levi Kreis.
The memory of this experience helped me settle on my word, which I was asked not to reveal outside of Boot Camp until the 16 weeks were over.
This is not to say it won't take an enormous amount of work to get rid of my boundaries. I feel the walls in my head buckling and my priority is to keep knocking them down.
I had to wonder if my lack of relationship with God, or spirit, or whatever I may ultimately decide to call it, is why I never break certain cycles in my life.
Once I had this realization, I pushed the painful fear aside and wrote what I expect for myself with decisiveness, command and expectency. Nothing felt far-fetched or unrealistic.
I have been mistaking patience for an acceptance, way ahead of time, that people will inevitably disappoint me. That is why it never mattered what people did. I'd already prepared to be let down.
Compared to the intensity of previous weeks of Boot Camp, I felt like I got a bit of a breather this week. At the very least, I am glad to be reminded that letting go of the past.
If a sinister voice doesn't appear when I feel good, it can only mean the dark thoughts are not the truth. Taking that one step further, it also means only the good is to be believed.
A realistic expectation is an illusion. I just got this. It's a limiting concept.
I figured I had this in the bag. If I do complain, it's rarely out loud. Then James threw down the gauntlet, saying, "Complaining also happens quietly in your mind and that counts."
What makes James so relatable and accessible is that he makes no bones about being in the trenches of spiritual practice right alongside those he instructs.
After the Oprah/Tolle classes ended and the "freshness" of the ideas faded, so did my discipline in using them. A year and a half later, I realized I was missing the structure of those classes.
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