Am I Raising 'Atheist Children'?

I am an atheist. I have never joined, or been part of, any religious group or organization. I was raised without religion, and without much understanding of what religion is. I have never had much of an identity religiously, and I stayed away from much thought or discussion on the matter. It is only recently that I have really explored the many options for religious beliefs and have decided that rather than saying, "No comment," I now call myself an atheist.

I am also a parent. I have two children: a 13-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son. They don't belong to any religious group, either. I never had them baptized, christened, or blessed. Neither of them had a bris, bat mitzvah or first communion. But am I raising "atheist children"? Just because I do not identify our family as religious, are they atheists? I don't think so. Rather, I am raising questioning children, and those are the best kind of children to send out into the world.

'We are nothing'

I never describe our family as "an atheist family" (I prefer to say, "We are nothing," as in not part of any religion), and I reject the notion that my kids are automatically what I am. I think that keeping them open to all the possibilities is more important than telling them what to believe in.

I know a lot of religious families who say they are a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family. And they are. They have traditions, rituals and celebrations that define what they are. They pass those things to the children, along with belief.

Most young children accept what their parents tell them as true, whether it is the existence of Santa Claus or Jesus Christ. It is important that children understand what their parents believe, but it is also important for children to know about all the options out there. This is tricky if a parent is a true believer of a religion and feels that her way is the only path. But how can children question openly when they are taught that there are absolute truths in belief?

Tough questions

In the past few years, my kids have really started to ask tough questions about the world and how our ideas fit into it. I have to admit that I don't have all the answers.

We struggle together to understand what it all means. I teach them about all the major religions, and when I am not sure, I call friends who are part of the religions in question for better answers. We look at the art made to honor deities, we read stories written to explain belief systems, and we talk about similarities and differences among religions, both extinct and still in existence today. I try to keep all the possibilities open to them, and I answer all their questions honestly. I admit that I do not believe in the many gods that are out there, but I respect people who choose to follow them.

I may be raising my kids outside organized religion, but I am not raising them to be ignorant of religion any more than I am raising them to be atheists. I am not telling them that they have to follow my way of thinking, because as a parent, it's my job to encourage them to think for themselves. I know that many religious parents do the same for their kids, and I know that good parenting has no religious affiliation. But how can a parent foster an open and questioning mind in a child who is also told to follow a god -- without question?

I am not advocating that religious parents not include their children in the faith they have chosen. But I am urging parents to expose their children to the many other ways, including the way I have chosen: no religion at all. I do not demonize believers to my kids, and I hope that those who follow religion will not present my choice as evil and wrong.

When it comes to religion, it is hard to allow freedom of choice in our offspring because we want them to emulate us. It is unsettling to think that our own kids might believe in things we do not. It is awful to imagine that they would reject that part of who their parents are. But the fear subsides when I hear the wisdom of my daughter, who recently told me, "I don't have to choose what religion I am right now, but I have the choice to choose."

Free will

Part of being a good parent is allowing our children to become whatever and whoever they become. Watching my children explore the ideas that are out there and grapple with the many, often conflicting, religious views in the world is exciting. They bring new understanding to things -- not only for themselves, but for me as well. If my daughter came to me and told me she was joining a church, I would ask her how she reached her decision. But that would be my approach with any of the big decisions in my children's lives. Questioning puts us all on a path to greater understanding.

As my children navigate their teenage years, I know that the understanding will be harder to come by. The questions will get tougher. The answers won't always be what I want to hear.

But I'll keep asking, and I'll encourage my kids to be open and questioning. They might not end up like me, but I'm at peace with the idea that they will end up as themselves.

Nica Lalli is a writer and educator in Brooklyn. Her memoir, Nothing: Something to Believe In, was published last March. She is working on her second book, which is about parenting and religion.

This post first appeared on USA Today.

Comments

[lanceomatic]

If you are raising Atheist children, it is to be commended. Yes, let them explore the various religions and the let them start asking the hard questions about them. Let them see that "God" "created" humanity, then let them ask why he prefers one group over another and that it was OK to have this preferred group commit genocide after genocide. Let them read that the alleged Jesus said to "love thine enemy" but then condemn those who don't buy into the myth to an everlasting Hell. The posting from zanamu about her daughter being accosted is another major factor as to how children can be taught to be intolerant of Atheists. As a member of American Atheists, I am familiar with cases of children of Atheist parents, who are Atheist themselves, being shunned and accused of non-existent things. Then the parents are shunned by the community and accused of crimes and being harassed. Let reason and an inquiring mind be their guide.

[S1m0n]

I'm 43, and was raised identically to the way you seem to be raising your children; we didn't belong to any particular church, and if we ever attended a service, it was more in the way of a cultural experience than a religious exercise.

As an adult, the difference I've noticed between how I and others relate to religion is that for me, it's not nearly as important a question, one way or the other. All the strident atheists I know were raised in a church-going family; that's where the 'heat' in their denunciation of religion comes from.

Similarly, I know a lot of ex-catholics, especially feminist women as well as gays or lesbians. They, too, are a lot angrier than I am about religion. Which, I suppose, shouldn't surprise anyone.

I guess what I mean is that not getting the indoctrination when young left me with considerably less at stake than other people I know.

[masterymistery]

It's very important to distinguish between religion and spirituality. There is much to criticise about religion. But let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater.

We can dismiss and deny Religion without letting go of higher meaning and purpose. Religion is not the only escape route from the materialist, reductionist nightmare.

Atheism is like a universal acid that eats deity-related falsehoods and lies. Atheism can only destroy, it never creates. It takes away, but never puts back. But as I say to my kids, "You are not just a sack of meat with legs in a world of hard cold stuff. You'll find your meaning and purpose, and to do that you don't have to believe in an old man with a long white beard sitting on a cloud playing the harp. Not only will you find your meaning and purpose but you will very likely make it up as you go along. And it will be yours. And no-one will be able to take it away from you. And no-one will be able to force you to accept their story if you don't want to."

Then I quote Shakespeare to them: "there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio." (Hamlet). And then I quote JBS Haldane: "The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine."

I've invented or discovered or at least rediscovered a framework in which all beliefs can be reconciled, all differences resolved. It starts with the very simple idea that everything (small 'e') is part of Everything (big 'E'). It's a bit like pantheism, but without losing the cool bits of religion, such as the Telos---the purpose---or the idea that there are other worlds, other domains of reality.

But there's no space in this comment to explain very much so why don't you check it out yourself:
http://cosmic-rapture.blogspot.com/2008/01/here-there-and-everywhere.html

[Dap]

"Atheism is like a universal acid that eats deity-related falsehoods and lies. Atheism can only destroy, it never creates. It takes away, but never puts back."

Seriously, this statement can not stand on its face, it is beyond fallacy, and could only survive by absolute FAITH in the ludicrous mixed with irrational thought processes.

It's like arguing knowledge and science are without merit, and no good can come of them.

[Merlin7]

Yikes. What nonsense. I initially missed Nica Lalli's excellent blog and this vile comment. Atheism can only destroy, it never creates? Where did that gem come from? You might as well say "Logic can only destroy, it never creates" or "Open-mindness can only destroy . . ." And that bit about "everything' being part of "Everything" is just childish posturing. If it makes you feel better to be part of a Mysterious Whole that's part of some (imagined) glorious destiny, go for it. But don't pretend that such belief is more than just fantasizing. That's all it is. Meanwhile, atheists also have various theories about the universe, but we try not to fool ourselves that it's God-Dressed-Up-As-A-Butterfly or whatever nonsense the "spiritual" folks happen to espousing that day.

[EdinMO]

I am a parent, and am trying to raise my children religion free, but it is difficult. We live in an area where we are the only atheists that we know. For what is worth, I focus on teaching my children that it is ok if people don't believe in god. I tell them that contrary to what their religious friends tell them, there is nothing wrong with not believing in god.

I have family members who are constantly trying to get us to attend their church. They don't seem to understand why we wouldn't want to go to place where we are made to feel like there is something wrong with us.

I have always said that the biggest problem with religion is that they make no provision for the non-believer. Think how much better it would be if churches would open their doors and minds to concept of an open fellowship where even an atheist is respected and listened to.

[melly]

I'm an agnostic, bordering on atheist. My father was Catholic, and my mother for a brief stint in her life was a Scientologist. There were the Scientology readings sent in the mail, and always a Bible in our home, but my sister and I chose to read about Scientology...and giggled and laughed the whole time.

Living in east Texas, it seemed like everyone was religious. All of my friends were religious - either Catholic or Baptist - and even though I was never a "believer," I struggled with religion throughout most of my childhood and teenage years. I just never felt the power of God like everyone else around me seemed to, and it wasn't until I recognized and accepted this until I was happy with myself. I am a moral person, and I believe a person should treat others as he/she would like to be treated.

I'm also a teacher, unmarried, with no children of my own. This week I was unsettled when I was asked about Easter by a student who is Taiwanese (I teach exclusively English Language Learners) and had trouble explaining it to her. Another student overheard this conversation and asked me what religion I was. Then another group of students overheard the conversation and also wanted to know. When I started explaining agnosticism, a part of me was worried that my students were going to judge me as a godless heathen. I blame that feeling on my church experiences.

[amamomofsons]

I have sons who are all open minded enough to question with respect and to understand that no one has the answers as to why we are here. We don't label outselves, although I think we are more anti-theist's then anything. People are basically herders and the idea of belonging to something or a group larger than ourselves is an enticeing and heady bate by organized religious groups. Get the kids involved in community service projects that give them the sense of accomplishment and belonging. My Christian, Muslim and Jewish friends think we are an a enigma. They can not understand how we can act "Christian...ect" and not be religious.Some want to convert us and some just like the fact that we allow them to question why they think as they do. Not many people give others permission to question their beliefs.

[cinemaven]

HuffPost's Pick

I'm of the opinion that giving our children the gift of information and letting them make up their own minds is the best thing for parents to give.

I'm the product of a Catholic mother and Protestant father who were married in Scotland where that is a mixed marriage. There was such animus among friends and family that my parents decided to raise us to make up our own minds. We were encouraged to read many books, the bible was one of them. We were encouraged to attend church with our friends and my parents were supportive of any denomination we chose to attend more than once.

My father always told us that religion is too often an accident of birth but that in every faith, the leaders come to their beliefs by questioning. A time in the desert during which they have an epiphany. He believed in allowing us to search for our own epiphany.

The result is that I have a sister who is Catholic, a sister who is United, a sister who is an atheist and me... I'm one of those people who believe that every faith (or the choice to be an atheist) is valid for those practicing that faith. I don't attend a church or hold to the policies of any religion but I believe in a supreme being, in the goodness of most people, in the belief that this life is not our only journey.

My husband would offer you a shrug if you asked him about his religion. I know he prays when he feels the need and I know he believes in a higher being.

We've raised our two boys to ask questions. They can question faith or authority or any of life's mysteries and we support them. They have both attended church services with various friends and family members. My 15 yr. old is currently a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster so he describes himself as a pastafarian. I actually read The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and it's an excellent read and a good laugh. My 21 yr. old is an atheist with lapses into eastern religions and he's still reading and researching faiths so that could (or might not) change.

The only caveat we've given them is that they should beware of any faith that doesn't allow discussion, criticism and questions.

Without steeping them in Christianity, both of our sons are kind, funny and avid community volunteers and at 21 and 15, have never given us a day of worry in our lives. (except for this week when our 21 yr. old has been getting extensive tests for a heart problem)

[Pandu]

"But how can children question openly when they are taught that there are absolute truths in belief?"

I did. I was raised Catholic and went to church each week for many years. As my knowledge of the church teachings grew, some things did not make sense, and I quit believing their story. I retained a strong urge to understand life, which led me to study various religions and philosophies. Eventually I took an interest in yoga as a process of self-inquiry, which brought me to studying Bhagavad-gita. Studying Bhagavad-gita revealed Krishna's form to me and directed me to study Srimad Bhagavatam and other Vedic works emphasized in the Vaishnava disciplic successions. These texts reinforced my vision of Krishna's form, but moreover they present a perfectly internally consistent philosophy unifying all areas of knowledge based in the Personality of Godhead.

Now I have something to teach my children that is based on my personal realized knowledge of God that is supported by a huge body of inconceivably magnificent scriptures. They can see for themselves how it makes perfect sense.

[Dap]

Just a Thought...

I think everyone should read:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/valerie-tarico/when-leaving-jesus-means-_b_92442.html

))))))))))))))))))) Sapere aude ((((((((((((((((((((((

[jeskiley]

HuffPost's Pick

This was an interesting perspective to read. I definitely receive the point that you think for yourself and are encouraging your children to do the same. It's nice to hear from another "raised without religion" person, like me. I accidentally planted a seed of discrimination in my oldest daughter, who heard me repeatedly tell my husband stories about how "those Christian women" were excluding me, judging me, controlling their children, etc. Now she rolls her eyes and belittles me everytime I express my own faith in God (divine justice, I guess).

The only thing I'm wondering, as a teacher of my own children (and very sensitive to the subtlties involved in transmitting knowledge), is how do you teach children about "other religions" without tainting them with your unbelief? Yeah, that's a square and that's a circle, they use red and they use green...but the beauty, the connection, the group mind and power that is birthed by such focus, is a living element you all might be missing out on. Or not missing out on.

In the long term, they'll find their own way, and you are addressing an issue and a population that doesn't get much airtime, at least in a collective way. When I do hear fellow homeschool moms correcting their children's moods and behavior with, "How would Jesus want you to handle this?" I get scared for their little spirits, who care more about how Mommy would want them to handle it, even though she talks crazy like she does. Well-intentioned, I'm sure...child psychology could use a manual or two on safe indoctrination of rituals, traditions, and belief systems into young, developing minds. And another one on the responsible-raising of healthy patriots, but that's another story.

Good luck with your books!

[Ajita]

"The only thing I'm wondering, as a teacher of my own children (and very sensitive to the subtlties involved in transmitting knowledge), is how do you teach children about "other religions" without tainting them with your unbelief?"

Unbelief is the default position. This is a false sense of balance you are purporting. No one is born with any religion. Comparative religion is essential reading in high school in many parts of the secular world.

You seem to have a problem with having influenced your daughter by references to "those christian women" and yet you see no problem with expressing your "faith in god" to her.

[Usedtobequiet]

HuffPost's Pick

My son, age 14, who has been raised without religion, just started attending a Christian church with a friend's family. He seems to enjoy it, and it doesn't bother me that he is exploring. When he said "you should come to church", I thanked him and said: "I don't think so; my church is outside, that's where I feel closest to God". Who knows how raising him to explore his own spirituality will be for him...I think about how my strict Catholic upbringing infused just about every nook and cranny of my life for a while...and sometimes still does sneak in at times. I think the biggest gift I hope we are giving him is the absence of guilt - the guilt of never being pure enough, or good enough. I truly believe it is our job as parents to help kids along in figuring out what they believe, what they feel passion for and how to take care of themselves. They have to figure it out; we can't do it for them, and that includes their spirituality.

[Dap]

Forgive me for butting in, but... you are making a grave mistake *IN MY OPINION* you had better go to that Church and witness what they're teaching your Child.

[drjay79]

I totally agree with you Dap, she needs to get over there fast and see what they are preaching!

[Dap]

Dear Ms. Lalli,

I hope this does not come off has being too harsh with your essay, although I agree with *some* of what you have expressed.

I having been raised as a believer, and for most of my adult life did believe in God ( as opposed to you having *NO* such background or understanding) before I had progressed to becoming a non-believer.

It is my contention that your post is without standing for the most part, because of your experience you make many fallacy (points that will not stand examination) arguments, as a result of ignorance of what it means to be religious. (Sorry to put it so bluntly). Yet, from a clearly cognitive science understanding of how our human mind/brain works. The essay/post falls flat, especially in making the necessary paradigm change that is needed to move Humanity forward to a better understand.

I other words, putting things the way you've expressed them, from my POV, and educated understanding of religion, is counter productive, although I know you may not believe that to be the case. Agape. (Love in fellowship of our shared fragile Humanity.)

[Dap]

Dear Ms. Lalli,

I'm taking the time to explain better what I'm speaking to, I don't want to be critical of your essay/post and leave you hanging. ( I'm dyslexic and can't type so it takes some time.)

The brainwashing of religious dogma and the way it affects the human psyche and our emotional state of mind when indoctrinated properly into believing irrational concepts is *NOT* innocuous. That it is becomes a part of our emotions has deep feelings that encompass all parts of the the essence of what it means to be you and the way in which one forms their schemata. These strong emotional ties to this imaginary God image are cause to make rationalizations that don't really make sense causing, denial, cognitive dissociation and dissonance.

Would anyone think it ok to not teach their Children proper hygiene? Oh, I'll just let them go without brushing there teeth, they'll learn when they have to go to get their teeth drilled and filled or worse.

Go through a day claiming to have and imaginary friend, but instead of calling him G-D, call him Joe, introduce him to your friends and speak to him and receive answers from him telling you what actions to take. Then see the real repercussions of your actions. The believers will be the first to see to it you have your head examined.

Teaching Children to be tolerant of those who are misguided are one thing, but allowing them to become misguided themselves is quite another. Agape.

[avicenna]

Apologies for my slowness, but I'm not clear with what fallacies, in particular, you are speaking to in Ms. Lalli's article. Are you suggesting she raise her children to have a closed mind to thoughts or ideas that may differ from her own or yours? That they also not be given an opportunity to seek their own perspective through their own experiences with the possibility that their findings - be it with an education as extensive as yours - be significantly different from your own or hers?

[Dap]

It is I that must apologise, that's the reason I placed another comment. Yet, a fallacy is an argument that does not follow logical reasoning, especially within the facts that are known OR *SHOULD BE KNOWN* within ones argument.

I'm not arguing that Children should not be allowed to experience life, I'm arguing that a parent has a duty to guide the Child, their is *NO* question as to *MAN_MADE* Gods being just that.

God is just a human emotion locked inside the psyche of a human being because of the Human condition and perpetuated by those that are illusional and those that seek to control others.

Yeah, teach the Children well, two plus two is three, if you feel like believing it is, no matter the harm that will come from believing such a thing.

Framing your comment in such a snide manor to me does not give it any extra weight through belittlement, nor does taking what I tried to say out of context.

[avicenna]

In my perspective, the most important thing you want your children to embody is an open-mind and the knowledge that everyone has their own way of making sense of the world. If tolerance was taught along with a particular way of life or world view - then the world would be a significantly different place. There is no wrong or right - just a lot of unknowns - and the more honest you are about this fact, the better able your children will be to tackle the great unknown and find contentment. Religion is like language - there are literally hundreds out there - all effective in communicating ideas in a particular culture - and even within a particular language family there exists many dialects. Two people can be saying the same thing using two different languages - they may not understand each other - but the more important thing is that they know themselves what they are trying to say.

[zanamu]

If it helps. . . I am a former Catholic, now Quaker, married to a lapsed Shiite Muslim from Iran. When our daughter was born, in America, my husband felt her life would be simpler as a Christian. I determined we would try for respect for all faiths, and forget the dogmatic nonsense; hopefully, I said, she will find her own spiritual center. (the Unitarians have lovely books for children in this area.) I took her to different churches, and allowed her to attend Bible classes with her friends, none of whose parents, by the way, were as tolerant whan it came to mosque attendance. Our worst time was when she was about 12. ALL of her friends were zealots - confirmation and all, and we are in predominantly christian Nebraska - and one night, she came home in tears, because these children ganged up on her, and told her how sad they all were because she wouldn't be with them in heaven. 'Why didn't you TELL me?' was the weepy question. We explained that a) neither of her parents required heaven as an incentive for ethical behavior in this world, and b) we categorically rejected any concept of faith that would exclude half of her relatives, (Catholic or Muslim) from any notion of heavenly salvation, as the entire population of her relatives loved her beyond measure and were good caring people besides. "Your friends must be pretty powerful to be able to limit God," is what her father told her. I told her that we respected her intelligence too much to tell her what to think or believe.
Sorry about the length, but family history can take time to relate. The outcome? She's at the university, and is happily an atheist, and that's cool. She knows who she is, and why. Her journey has taken real strength of character, so far.
So go for it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with raising people who know how to think. That's way more important than teaching them what to think.

[Dap]

Eloquently expressed indeed!

[skye5]

"Part of being a good parent is allowing our children to become whatever and whoever they become."

Thank you for saying this! So many parents think their job is to be their kids best friends, and have their children believe exactly what they do.

My parents made it clear: their job as parents is to make sure I can live on my own as an independent adult, and part of that process is allowing me to choose my religious feelings (I'm an atheist myself). I wish there were more parents like you.