Unauthorized Alley Catting

Army Gen. Kevin P. Byrnes, whose four stars were not awarded him by the Michelin Guide, has been kicked into early retirement for extramarital schtuppage with a civilian woman who has no connection with the government. So much for the old adage that you can get away with it if you do it out of town.

The Army doesn’t mind if you lose a battle as long as you keep it zipped. Did Napoleon really say, in French of course, “I don’t care if he can’t fight as long as he doesn’t faire le schtupisme outside the bonds of holy matrimony?”

What if, after the Union got its heine kicked at the Battle of Fredericksburg, Abraham Lincoln had said of his idiot commanding general, Ambrose Burnside, “It’s OK. The man has never cheated on his wife.”

Nobody high up in the Pentagon has been fired for sending our people into battle with inadequate equipment; nobody upstairs got thrown out for Abu Ghraib and similar American propaganda victories; nobody with a star on the shoulder has been demoted for having been out-thought and out-fought by the camel jockeys for the better part of two and a half years.

To make it to the top, a person should suppress his or her urges, and, after each failure, call a press conference to whine that the insurgents aren’t fighting fair. They change their tactics when we get on to them, which shows a typical Moslem lack of sportsmanship. Whine, whine, whine. The rag heads are getting good at building better bombs and hiding so we can’t find them. Whine, whine, whine. They are sneaking in their rag head cousins from other countries which, if it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention, ought to be. How do you fight people like that?

Not by clean living. Muhammadans frown on irregular schtupismus even more than the US Army does. As to S-E-X, it’s a wash. On second thought, their guys get four wives to our one. Is that an unfair advantage in the never ending uxorial struggle to stay on the reservation?

Lincoln is supposed to have said, when told that the victorious Grant had a weakness for the bottle, send him a case of the stuff. Maybe the American high command can put away its Bibles long enough to tell somebody, “Fuck your brains out if that’s what it takes. Just win one, will ya?”