ME: ... So the three dragons crept deeper into the terrifying castle. They shivered with fear. A knight could be lurking around any corner. It took all their courage to snort enough fire out of their nostrils to light the way further into the -
LINC, 4: Pause. I have to pee.
ME: Didn't you pee before bed?
LINC: I did, buuuut ... no, no, I didn't. Just pause it.
ME: Pause what.
LINC: Pause! I have to go pee!
ME: You can't press pause. It's me. I'm telling you a story. If you want me to stop while you pee, I'll just wait.
LINC: Don't stop! We'll lose the whole thing! Just pause, Dad! If you stop, we have to start over!
ME: No, we don't.
LINC: Yes we do! Just pause!
ME: I'm not a machine, Linc. Just go pee.
LINC: Did you pause?
ME: Don't worry. Go pee. I'll wait.
LINC: It's paused?
ME: (beat) It's paused.
DEREK, 7: Hi, Dad. It's Derek.
ME: Hey, Derek! How you doing?
DEREK: I just wanted to ... I just wanted ... I was calling ...
ME: Everything okay at home?
DEREK: Yeah, everything's okay. I'm doing Legos with Linc and Savannah. I was just calling ... I was just wondering when you were coming home tonight.
ME: I'll be home in about an hour. I just have one more meeting. I'm actually in the meeting right now. I came out of the meeting because you called. Is everything else okay?
DEREK: Yup. Everything's fine. That's all I wanted to know. 'Bye, Dad.
ME: 'Bye. (beat) You still there?
DEREK: Uh ... what?
ME: You can hang up, D. I'll see you in a little bit.
DEREK: Okay. 'Bye.
ME: 'Bye. (beat) Go ahead and hang up, sweetie.
DEREK: Uh ... what?
ME: Hang up.
DEREK: Hang up what?
ME: Hang up. You know.
DEREK: What do you mean?
ME: Hang up the phone.
DEREK: Hang up the phone?
ME: Hang up. End the call.
DEREK: Click off, you mean?
ME: Yes. Click off. Hang up. Oh, my - you don't know what hang up means, do you? I just realized. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Because when you end a call, you just click off. That's so weird. See, when Mom and I used to call people, we used to have to hang -
SAVANNAH, 9: Dad, can we watch TV? It's the weekend.
ME: What time is it? Okay, fine. One show.
LINC: Yeahhhh! We can watch TV! Derek! Derek! TV Time!
DEREK: TV Time! Hey, what about that show Wipeout? With the grownups getting splattered into the mud? Red told me about it. Remember, Savannah? The one I told you about?
ME: You want to watch Wipeout? I don't think it's on right now. It's Sunday afternoon.
DEREK: We don't have it?
ME: Have it? No.
LINC: Look on the TV! Look on our list of shows!
ME: It's not there. I didn't record it. I can record it if you want. It's probably not on till the middle of the week or something.
DEREK: Aw, the middle of the week? That's like five days away!
ME: Well, that's how it works, dudes. You can't watch something before it's on. Look, I'll find out when it's -
LINC: Look on the computer!
ME: It's not on the computer.
SAVANNAH: I bet it is on the computer. Go to Wipeout.com. Or just Google "Wipeout."
ME: That's just the website. You don't want to see the website. Don't you want to watch --
SAVANNAH: The website probably has videos.
LINC: Yeah! Videos!
DEREK: Look on your phone.
ME: We are not watching on my phone. Don't you want to watch TV? It's TV Time! How about iCarly. Or we have like seventeen Batmans stacked up. Have you guys lost interest in Batman?
DEREK: I want to watch Wipeout.
ME: I know, Derek. But I told you: we don't have it.
DEREK: So let's get it.
ME: See, that's not how -
SAVANNAH: I can Google it for you, Dad.
ME: I know how to Google. I just thought - you know. It's TV Time.
ME: Yeah, Derek.
DEREK: This conversation isn't going to count as part of TV Time, is it?