05/30/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Tiger Woods

Let me guess. Jesse James is a sex addict. He needs treatment, urgent care, he's a victim. We are not to judge his abhorrent and pig-like behavior because he suffers from a condition that he has no control over. Poor Jesse. You see, every time Jesse James sees a girl with crazy dragon Nazi tattoos and breast implants, blood swells to his penis, causing what we in the soft sciences call a "boner." Once said boner is active, Jesse is physically incapable of controlling his actions. It's so sad. Hundreds of men are affected by this disease. We must help them.

We all know men who suffer from this illness. You can often find them drinking beer at bars while staring at girls' butts and boobs, occasionally cat calling and acting disrespectful. We must keep in mind that these are people with a disability. Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair? Didn't think so. It's not their fault they're unfaithful. They're addicts, we need to nurture and support them. And who cares if they have a family? This is bigger than that. And let's be honest, Sandra Bullock wasn't really America's sweetheart until she won the Oscar, right? Give the guy a break, I'd like to see you try to control a raging hard-on, it's not as easy as it sounds. Jesse needs our sympathy, we need to understand him, rehabilitate him, love and support him.

Fuck that. Jesse James, you've been a disgusting pig. And you know what? You would have gotten away with it had it not been for that slimy bastard Tiger Woods. Tiger took the rug out from under you when he showed all the mistresses of the world the potential lucrative benefits of coming forward and spilling the gory details about their perverse affairs. Tiger made cheating an industry. These women are booking appearance gigs and getting paid to detail disgusting text messages. Had it not been for Tiger, you could have played it off like a drunken fling, a total mistake. But because of Tiger's monumental and earth-shattering lack of respect and self-awareness, you now have no choice but to play the victim card. You are a sex addict; you have to be.

And Tiger's on TV talking about his "treatment" and the importance of his "rehabilitation." Ha! Give me a break. The only thing you guys suffer from is a blatant disregard for the basic rules of society. I'm going to make this real simple for you; Jesse and Tiger, you are not sex addicts. You are megalomaniacs. You have no concept of what is right and fair, your celebrityhood has distorted your most basic and rudimentary understanding of life and the unspoken rules of mankind. You live in a world where you are King, Emperor and God. You don't play by the rules because for some odd reason you feel that you don't have to. You've both been very bad boys, now own up to it and suffer the consequences. You don't deserve a woman as intelligent and full of life as Sandra Bullock, Jesse. And Tiger, you're just a freak. A freak of epic proportions. Get a grip. Next time you leave a voicemail on your mistresses' answering machine, try to not say your name. Just a thought, I don't know too many other people named TIGER.

So much has been made of how these cavemen will address the media. How will they apologize? My question is, why do we need an apology? Apologize to your wife. Apologize to your children. You ruined their lives because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants. Leave us out of your sick and twisted personal world views. And you have the gall to think that you might be able to repair your marriages. Do you really expect anyone to trust you ever again? You can't be serious. Joke's over guys -- we know who you are. Think about your kids. Think about them going to school, think about how much fodder the school bully's got on them now. Think about the example you set for them, think about how hard it must be to watch your father act like a perverted child in front of the whole world.

Next time, try not marrying the supermodel or the award winning actress if you really wanna bang every girl in the club. Don't have kids if you want to live your life like a lecherous brute. Stop dragging people down with you. You know what we would be saying if you guys were single, with no children? Nothing. Nothing at all. We probably wouldn't even know about it. But for megalomaniacs, it's not enough to just divide and conquer hopeless trashy women. They have to decimate everything around them, crush the souls of their families, friends and fans. The dictionary describes Megalomania as "a psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence." Ring a bell?

Apparently, it's Jesse and Tiger's world and we're just living in it. They make the rules; we are just here to sop up their weepy and pathetic apologies. We're just the audience, a captivated crowd to their glorious demise. It would be entertaining if it wasn't so destructive and cruel.