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Nicole Breedlove Headshot

Ex, Allow Me to Show You the Door

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I have a small, tight circle of friends so we all know about each others breakups, hookups and other relationship drama. And out of all of my friends I was proudest to say that I was friends with a majority of my exes. I looked at it as a badge of honor. I knew I was a good person that treated them well. Keeping their friendship certainly wasn't easy. We had heated arguments about who is to blame for the breakup, why it didn't work, cursing etc. After we were able to work through all the anger we developed a friendship. This occurred in my twenties and early thirties. Now that I've matured and am in my forties I have taken an entirely new approach to this issue.

Last year I ended a relationship with a woman and we no longer speak. At first I was extremely hurt by it. Then I tried to figure out why I was so hurt. It's not like if we talk to each other it would solve anything. Nor would it change the people we were in the relationship. After writing extensively in my journal I finally figured out why I was so upset -- ego. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to talk to me. How could she not want to talk to me? I'm special, damnit!! And I treated her well. Then I thought why do I want to talk to her? We broke up for a reason. Why should I keep her in my life? At this point she adds no value to it. That's why we broke up in the first place. Then I had an Aha moment... it's because it validates that I am a good person. Her friendship validates that I am special enough for her to keep in my life. But I don't need her validation. I am a good person on my own. And once I realized that I could move on!! So I decided from then on that it was not necessary to keep in contact with any of my exes. Once the relationship ends, all ties end with it.

I by no means think you should be mortal enemies. If I see my exes in passing I wave, smile and that is the end of it. However, there is no reason we should speak every day on the phone. Or grab a drink at the bar every Friday. I don't exchange phone numbers. We don't have to be Facebook friends. You cannot move forward if you are still holding onto the past. It doesn't work like that. You move forward, truly move forward, by letting go.

I can't even count the number of women I have met who have "besties," "a really good friend" or a "twin" who is really an ex. UGGH. I don't even date women who have exes as best friends. To me it spells trouble and drama. If you are still holding onto your ex it is clear you are still invested and are continuing an emotional relationship. Not healthy at all!! Now, I already hear the moans in the audience and the always present rebuttal, "Some people were meant to just be friends." I agree but is sleeping with women the only way you know how to establish a friendship?! Do you have any friends who don't know what you look like naked?! Why would you even put your current woman in a position to be jealous or threatened by the ongoing emotional relationship you have with an ex?! Regardless if your current woman should feel secure, your actions are proving otherwise. I have spoken to women who say they will choose their ex over the next woman because of their history. So basically what you are saying to me is your life is stagnant. You cannot or refuse to move forward, you are fully aware of this fact and you still choose to stay that way. CHECK, PLEASE!!

I use to think that not being friends with your ex meant that you were a horrible person. So horrible that you couldn't even remain friends after the relationship ended. But now I see the light! Remaining friends with an ex serves no viable purpose. There is absolutely no reason for any of my exes to be my friend. What purpose does that serve? Why should I allow the past to control my future? Why do we lesbians always feel the need to hold onto our exes? Is there a rulebook that states we must remain friends with them?! HELL NO!!! I say let go and let God!!