I recently read a blog post by a woman who, like me, has had to come to terms with the fact that she is infertile. She wrote that a friend of hers, while upset, expressed the opinion that a woman who has no children has nothing.
I have been mulling over this that post since I read it. A lot. It has taken me a while to actually write this, because I wanted to address the issue properly. I can see that her friend was distressed and spoke without thinking. Most people would not intentionally insult their infertile friends.
I wish I could say that I don't think people really feel this way. But I think they do.
My best friend from high school and college roommate is one of the people whom I think would say the same thing about me today. I always supported her aspirations toward a family, even though I thought she should value her career and master's degree more than it appeared she did. I know she feels that children are everything. I think that if she wasn't a mother, she would feel that she had nothing. She had her first child this year, and even though we are no longer friends, I am happy for her. Still, I am glad she doesn't know my situation, because I think she'd look on me with pity, and she shouldn't.
Despite my lack of children, I have a lot: a loving partner, family and friends, a fabulous job, money, a lovely apartment in a great part of town, a fantastically sweet puppy, a nice car, the ability to travel, lots of creature comforts, a kitchen that is usually full of delicious food, and so forth. My life is FULL of amazing stuff. It sometimes overwhelms me.
Yet there is still this attitude, one that I think is usually not openly expressed, or if it is, hastily: If you are not a mother, you have nothing.
I believe this attitude is what brings on the cajoling and the desire to convince those people without children that they do indeed want or need to have them. And any one of us out there who doesn't have children has probably been told at some point they should have children. Because people view it as a "ultimate" and a "necessary" part of life. And they believe you will have nothing if you don't have children.
To me, trying to convince someone that they want children or that they should go to all lengths to have them is like trying to convince someone they shouldn't be gay. It is just wrong. People know what is best for their lives. People know what they want and who they are. No one wants to be told that their way of living is wrong. Yet, people are constantly trying to tell people who don't have children that their way of life is wrong, and in the process probably accidentally insulting those who are infertile.
I understand intellectually that being a mother is a very encompassing experience. I get that some women feel it is completes them or has given them a purpose. I get that for a lot of women, motherhood has been a life-long desire and is to them the most important aspect of their life. To this I say, "Wonderful! Fabulous! Great!"
But these women also have all the support on the world in their motherhood. And we non-mothers do not. So, World, what if we could kill this attitude that motherhood is everything?
I mean, let's be honest, Women. We all know we have a lot more than just one thing to offer the world.
If I told any one of you, "You know what, you are an AMAZING accountant, but if you stop being an accountant, you are nothing. You have nothing," you'd probably tell me I was crazy or off my rocker. You'd probably think of your wonderful partner, or your hobbies and interests, or the charity work you do, and think, "No, I have a lot of other things going on here."
But saying and quietly believing that if a woman isn't a mother, she has nothing -- or some variation on that -- places motherhood above all else.
I'm not saying that every woman or human has that attitude. What I want to point out is that this attitude persists in our culture and implies that the non-mothering women of this world are significantly less important than the mothering ones.
It feels like such a 1950s attitude to me, to think of being a Mom as the highest calling for women, but I believe that people truly do think this way, and the reason I believe that isn't just because I am infertile.
Let's look at the United States, and what's on TV, in movies, up for debate politically. We are still arguing about reproductive rights for women. LGBT people are in most states still fighting for the right to marry, even though Kim Kardashian can be married for 4 months and make millions of dollars off of her TV wedding. In the U.S., we like traditional values.
You can live in places where you can be non-traditional and highly accepted. But, all-in-all, we are still very traditional culture. Parenting is part of that. You get married? Everyone expects you to have kids. I can't physically have kids, and people still expect me to have kids.
The average American sees over 300 advertisements A DAY. Imagine the percentage that includes images of happy Moms? Probably a large number.
So yes, the idea that being a Mom is the most important thing you will do is huge in our culture, and that's hard if you can't. But to say that other women have nothing? That's extreme.
That hurts women who went to all lengths to become a mom, people who did fertility treatments for years and were unable to conceive, women who spent thousands -- in some cases hundreds of thousands -- on that process and still had no baby. They have to survive in this world. They don't need to be told that they have nothing, most of all because it isn't true.
On the flip side, I feel lucky that the majority of people I know believe "to each her own." That is refreshing. Most of people I know and care about respect my way of life, and I respect theirs. I do have some friends who think being a mother is everything, and honestly, I respect that, even though I personally believe that letting any one facet of your life take over your whole being isn't a good thing. Balance is good, to me. But everyone is different.
I'm not sure my words can change much of anything, but my hope is that maybe someone out there reads this and perhaps becomes a bit more sensitive. Watches their words. Considers that not everyone feels the same as them. That not everyone is capable of having children. That not everyone wants them. And that we are all wonderful as we are, that there's no need to judge. We all have our challenges in life. Let's try to support each other through them.
This post originally appeared on Life and Thereafter.
Nicole Ciomek is a search marketing manager who lives in Austin, Texas with her husband, Ross. In her spare time she's an avid traveler, outdoor enthusiast, and vintage clothing hunter. She was diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer in October 2009 and subsequently had a hysterectomy as treatment. She's been living with infertility for 2 years and blogging about cancer, infertility and her life at nicoleciomek.com in that time.
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Sally Steenland: Faith Leaders Support Reproductive Justice
Harry Knox: Why Religious People Should Support the Rights of Women in Reproductive Decisions
Somehow, all these defenses = me being selfish. I kinda think the people who say these things don't actually know what selfish means.
To me, it would be selfish to bear crotch droplings that I don't want. It would be selfish to add another person's carbon footprint to the world. And it would be selfish of me to inflict my ensuing parental misery on my husband.
While I don't mourn my lack of children or spouse, I do mourn my parents who have gone on and the siblings I never had. I miss having a sister or a brother, a mother or dad to turn to. And I guess the pain will always be there.
As much as you can, try to celebrate and cultivate the things in your life that you do have, apart from family. Talents, strengths, hobbies, friends, pets, the ability to travel. Keep open to learning, growing and finding ways to make yourself, and those around you, stronger and better.
Try to remain optimistic and hopeful.
I don't throw this out as trivial advice; I am doing as much as I can myself, and its hard.
I truly wish you the best!
Thank you for writing such a wonderful article. We who are childless by circumstance need to keep telling our stories over and over again until the 'World' (as you say) wakes up to the fact that our lives go on and, that many of find alternative ways to have meaningful lives other than the motherhood we hoped for.
I started an organisation in the UK called Gateway Women to support, inspire and empower childless women - our motto is: We may not be Mothers but we care, we count and we ROCK!!
I've given us a new collective name - the #nomos (the not-mothers) which sounds like a groovy district in NYC and definitely has a better ring than 'barren', 'infertile', 'spinster' or 'childless'... but what would be really great is if we didn't 'need' a name. But the suffragettes needed one...until they got the vote. Thank you for pointing out the links between our situation and the stigma surrounding gay people - it feels like we are following in their footsteps as a prejudice that people are becoming aware of.
Thank you for sharing your story of your life after infertility. I'm sure it will help many, many women feel less alone, less stigmatized and give them hope that they too can be happy again.
With a warm hug from London,
Jody Day
Founder: Gateway Women
http://www.gateway-women.com
The world is overpopulated as it is - and I don't mean there's not enough space - there's not enough resources! Do the math - finite resources are not going to be enough for exponential population growth!
I seriously think that those who pressure others to have children do so because they are not happy with their own life choices - 'misery loves company!' If you're truly happy with your decision, you wouldn't need to pressure others to conform to your life choices. Those that pressure others to have kids - get a life \ be happy with your own! If you're not happy with having kids, find a way to be happy!
My husband and I, both from large families, both stayed around our mums to help them in their old age. I mentioned this to a retired neighbor, mother of 4. She piped up and said, "Oh, I would not want my kids to stay here for me, I want them to live their lives - that makes me happy and that's why I had them." See, she's a perfect example of what a parent should be, and what mine are\were (my awesome Dad passed away in 2004), thankfully - happy to see their kids live their own lives. If I had kids, that's definitely what I would want for them - not to take care of me. To me, that's so ridiculous. Again, we all die alone and that's a fact - it's not a sad fact - it is what it is - it's part of nature.
I learned that a close friend of mine was adopted when I was in middle school and wrote in my diary that I would never want to have my own, that I would want to adopt because I felt so bad that there were kids out there that did not have parents. And so, that is the choice for me, if we want kids.
Cheers to all & please don't diss on someone else's choice - be happy with