Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Myself I Learned From an Online Quiz

05/15/2015 01:14 pm ET | Updated May 15, 2016

To know what you know and what you do not know, that is true knowledge. -- Confucius

Many people embrace therapy as a means to understand themselves.

These are the people who pay 90 dollars a week to sit in the office of some social worker (no offense to my parents, who are, indeed, both social workers -- I'm not, ahem, talking about you -- you're fabulous, guys) so they can find a way to dig deep into their past to find a way to unravel their future. These soul-searchers learn a lot during their therapy sessions, so I hear. And then they take this new found understanding of who they are and go out and change the world, or get divorced, or finally embrace their dream of becoming a rodeo clown or whatever it is that they wanted to do before their parents made them go to college and become an accountant instead.

That's how therapy works, people. And it's good for everyone, especially the rodeo industry and well, me. Because while those in therapy get a better understanding of who they are, their journey of self discovery helped make it possible for my parents to afford my substantial orthodontia treatment and for my mom to buy me that hair crimper that was so popular back in the 6th grade.

Therapy = Everybody Wins.

But since I have grown up with a therapeutic presence smothering me all around me, everywhere I turn, even on holidays and before school dances and at restaurants, I tend to eschew organized psychology. I, myself, gravitate toward a much more scientific and precisely accurate way to understand my drives, my actions and my relationships: Online Quizzes.

I don't mean to brag, but Online Quizzes have changed my entire life.

Just a few short years ago, I was floundering about in my daily existence, so many unanswered questions interrupting my functioning. But now, with the help of the clarity I've gained by taking Online Quizzes, I know exactly who I am, what my husband wants and what I should do with the rest of my life.

Don't believe me? Look no further and be amazed.

Life Question #1: What Should I Do With the Rest of My Life?

Results: Strike a pose! You know it takes much more than just a pretty face to be a model. You've got that energy and the ability to be confident in front of the camera, no matter how you feel. Good luck with getting involved in modeling.

Insight Gained: I should have listened a lot harder when my mom said "You can be anything you want to be." (Actually, I don't think my mom ever said that. I think I saw that on an after school special. I think what my mom actually said is "Keep the basement door open, I know you're not really down there playing Tetris with that boy." But I digress). Obviously if Seventeen Magazine thinks I can be a model, I should be a damn model. I think we've already established that everything on the interwebs is accurate and true. And Seventeen Magazine online is a well-respected and coveted resources for women of my ilk (late thirties, lots of kids, no job prospects).

So I guess you can probably imagine I'm pretty stoked about this career possibility. All this time I was thinking I was going to be a writer or a "just" a mother or maybe a garbage collector (pretty much the only talents I've had a chance to explore up til now), but now I know what I was REALLY MEANT TO DO.


I'm putting together my portfolio and I think you'll all agree, it's shaping up to be something pretty special.


Watch out World, here comes Nicole!

Life Question #2: Am I Really Married to the Right Person?

Results: Not Yet, But You Will Be! You and your partner are on the right path! You are truly in love, but there are still a few problems that keep you from being 'happily ever after' like in a sweet fairy tale. You might not agree on a few things, you probably fight from time to time, but you know what -- all of these experiences are actually making your love even stronger. Hold on to this relationship -- we're telling you, it's a keeper.

Insight Gained: Oh dear. Well. At first, I was sad because I knew that without a doubt, my Online Quizzes would never lead me astray and that my husband and I were, as was indicated, truly not compatible. Never mind the several years of marriage, the good times, the vows and the life we've built together.

What's most important is that this quiz told me that we are NOT COMPATIBLE. Okay, it said, we might be on the road to compatibility. Whatever that means.

I think I'd rather be on the road to the Dairy Queen.

Poor us.


Life Question #3: Am I A Good Mom?

Results: You are a natural mother! You are a very loving, nurturing, emotional and intuitive person. You truly care about the people in your life, and you will do anything to make them happy, especially when it comes to your family. From the very first moment your baby came into this world and your life, you felt an endless amount of love. You will always be there for your child with a helping hand, a listening ear and many words of wisdom. You truly are an amazing mother, and every child should be lucky to have you.

Insight Gained: I think the interweb malfunctioned on this quiz. Or I broke something and I should call my IT tech (my 14-year-old daughter) to fix the glitch. I knew something was up when I went back and changed the answers and every time it came back with the same bull shit answer. Natural Mother. Right. If by natural you mean: Go play by yourselves, kids, mommy needs to finish this blog post and this large glass of wine. What? Gabe drew a butt on the cat with sharpie? Was it one of Mommy's special sharpies? The special sharpies I keep in my underwear/vibrator drawer? Didn't I tell you guys that once you opened that drawer you couldn't unsee what you were going to see? And didn't I tell you guys that those sharpies are only to be used for writing names on Red Solo cups for when mommy's friends come over?

I guess now that I think about it, there is a lot of wisdom in those words. I'm teaching real, NATURAL life lessons here everyday and once again, the quiz got it right.

While one hand might be mixing up a dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives, the other one is, as indicated by the quiz, usually helping somebody around here by taking away permanent markers from kindergärtners, etcetera.

And obviously, the children, all of them (What are there now? Five in the house? Six kids, maybe?) are lucky to have me.

I hear that often. I didn't need a quiz to tell me that!

I make my kids tell me how lucky they are all the time!

So, the remaining question that must be asked -- are Online Quizzes the right kind of therapy for you? Will it give you all the insight you need to be a healthier, more productive and self aware human being?

I can't answer this for you. It's something you will have to explore for yourself. Try it on for size, see if you're a better person once you employ my methods. And if you find that regular old therapy is a better fit -- my mom is available for more person centered counseling sessions at a very reasonable rate.

So be sure to call her and get started on your journey of self-discovery soon.

I've got my eye on a really sweet purse I'd like for my birthday and she's going to need to the extra cash.

For more hijinks and haphazardry, check out Nicole's blog at