THE BLOG
10/14/2013 05:54 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Is Your Dog Who You Thought He'd Be?

Last night, in a jet lag induced bout of sleeplessness, I watched a Sex and the City marathon. Somewhere in the midst of this guilty pleasure, Carrie or one of the other girls (I can't be sure -- it was 3 a.m.) opined that we might all be better off if we didn't bring so many expectations into our relationships. Naturally, this made me think of dogs.

In some cases, strict requirements are understandable. Nancy, a trainer, got a dog specifically to do agility. An experienced competitor, she has a high skill level and knows what types of dogs excel at the sport. Not only did the dog have to be nimble and built for speed, but he also had to have certain traits including the ability to focus and the strong motivation that's often referred to as drive. On the other hand, Sue, a retired woman in her late sixties, spends most of her time at home and wanted a dog for company. She didn't care much what the dog looked like, or even the breed or age. She just wanted a smallish dog who would cuddle with her at night and not need too much exercise during the day. Nancy's final choice of a young, intense border collie would not have made Sue any happier than Sue's eventual adoptee, a sweet, calm, mixed breed senior, would have made Nancy.

For Nancy and Sue, the dogs really did need to meet specific expectations. But most adopters, whether an individual or a family, are simply looking for a dog to fit into their homes and lives without too much trouble. They typically envision an affectionate dog who's fairly easy to train, won't make major demands on their lifestyle, and is friendly with the family and visitors. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, really, who goes looking for a dog with baggage? Who wants a long-term project? Regardless, sometimes that's exactly what happens.

2013-10-14-undertreelimbportraitsmallHP.jpgMy own dogs are both shelter rescues we adopted a few months apart. You might think I wouldn't care much whether a dog has major issues, since as a trainer and behavior specialist, I know how to fix them. Wrong! Even professionals need a break now and then. My last two dogs were much loved but had their own issues -- one with fear and the other, aggression -- and I longed for an easier dog. As it turned out, Sierra, who came to us at around age two, had a wicked case of separation anxiety. Bodhi, who was allegedly two but turned out to be closer to one, was steeped in the hormones and outrageous behavior of adolescence. He was a handful and a half; rowdy, destructive, reactive toward other dogs, no manners... I could go on. Suffice it to say that despite careful screening (I still believe that he walked quietly past other dogs during his in-shelter temperament test chanting, I will hold it together until I get adopted, I will...) neither dog turned out to be quite what I was expecting. Working through their issues was challenging at times, but eventually, things resolved. Are they absolutely perfect now? Nope. Who is? Still, I wouldn't trade either of them for the world.

So what can you do if your dog turns out to be very different than what you were hoping? First, unless you're an experienced trainer yourself, hire one. (The Association of Professional Dog Trainers' website is a great place to start your search.) Unless there's an issue such as major aggression toward a child or some other deal-breaker, be patient and work at it. In the end, sometimes the best course is to change what you can, and then accept and appreciate the being for who he is. I'm sure Carrie Bradshaw would agree.

Follow Nicole Wilde on Facebook: www.facebook.com/NicoleWildeAuthor