With all the awareness about cougars out there, you'd think that men would be experts by now on how to snare them. Not a fat chance based on the past few dates I've had. Although I'm not a bona fide cougar quite yet (I clock in just under the apparent age limit), I'm certainly not opposed to dating younger men... if only they knew what the hell they were doing. On behalf of other respectable self-established women who have no qualms with dabbling in prime meat territory, I'd like to set the record straight once and for all. Here, my tips for cougar hunters around the world:
1. Know what you're after. There are two types of cougars: alpha and beta. Alpha cougars are sophisticated, intelligent, and on the prowl for sexual empowerment. Betas are usually just looking for someone to make them feel better about themselves. If you really want to impress friends (and learn a thing or two on the way), go after the alpha.
2. It's about the thrill of the chase. On your part, not ours -- honey, we're done chasing. We've got a very fulfilling life already, and whether or not you ask us for our number isn't going to make or break our evening. That's why we're happy to sit back and smile with amusement while you test out all your pick-up lines. Be creative in your efforts -- you're going to have to work to earn your cougar cred.
3. Don't blow us off to rip bong hits with your friends. If you make plans with us, your ass better show up at the appointed time. Don't make us wait, don't tell us you'll text us later, and don't cancel at the last minute because you're about to kick your college roommate's ass in Madden or you're too stoned to get off the couch. We dated guys like that 20 years ago. It wasn't fun then, and it definitely isn't now.
4. Make up with foreplay what you lack in maturity. Flirty e-mails, texts asking what we're wearing -- we eat that shit up. And when it comes to the bedroom, the more you can do without making us put down our glass of wine, the better.
5. Save the drama for your other mama. Though Botox may have disguised them well, we've earned a healthy number of wrinkles from a lifetime of complicated relationships. We love that you're a no fuss, no strings attached, "wanna see my custom crafted beer pong table?" kinda guy.
6. Money ain't a thang. No need to flaunt the latest version of PS3 you just bought. We've already dated someone who makes fifteen times the amount you do. Just knowing you'll listen when we tell you to turn it off and come to bed is enough for us.
7. Don't underestimate eighties rock. Journey, The Outfield, U2, you name it... instant aphrodisiac. Watch us come running ready to bust an uninhibited move (usually involving excessive finger snapping).
8. Teach and be taught. Shuffleboard, comic book heroes, the latest iPhone app -- if you like it (and it will make us feel younger), we like it. But don't try to order a wine you can't pronounce or go claiming you can tell vintage from antique. Leave the finer things in life to us.
9. We're not like your ex-girlfriend. We won't cry when you tell us we look fat, or wake you up in the middle of the night and ask what's on your mind. Why? We're already pretty confident in whom we are at this point, and frankly your opinions don't have much pull. Now be a good boy and go get mama a glass of chardonnay.
10. Beware of our animal instinct. We've been around the block more times than we care to tell, and we'd recognize a player if he showed up looking like our neighbor's son in Dockers and a sweater vest. Treat a cougar right, and she'll be all the woman you can handle. Start playing games, and you'll be forced to settle for a puma.