Madoff in Manhattan

I will admit it took us the longest time to get properly introduced to Mr. Madoff, but that was part of his appeal. For years, our friends the Jerkoffs - the ones with seven houses, the ones whose kids taught our kids to believe that taking a helicopter is the only socially acceptable way to get out to the Hamptons house - wouldn't let us in on their big secret. When they finally did tell us about Bernie and his hedge fund, we jumped right in, and boy were we pleased. Soon Bernie was making us such piles of money - on paper anyway - that we had to budget in some extra for Mr. Writeoff, our accountant. Of course, that was nothing compared to what we were soon paying for our jet and its pilot, Mr. Takeoff, our live-in personal stylist Miss Clipoff, our reality chef Mr. Cookoff and our pair of nannies from Bulgaria, Miss Dropoff and Miss Pickup, trained at an Irish nanny school. Their uniforms and brogues did wonders for our image, and always really worked those jealous Pistoffs into a lather.

Last week, though, some auditor hired by the government called us. His name is Mr. Cutoff, and he says we don't really have any real money at all. He says Bernie MADE OFF with our savings! He said Bernie's sons Ripoff and Runoff just turned in their dad, and that his miracle hedge fund, valued the same as the GNP of the country of Vietnam, was just a big Ponzi scheme.

Can you imagine? No. You can't imagine how we feel, you really can't. Don't even try.
T
omorrow morning, we will have to fire Clipoff, Cookoff, Takeoff, Dropoff and Pickup. Our only consolation is that the Jerkoffs have already let all their household help go too. I actually saw Mrs. Jerkoff driving herself down Fifth Avenue yesterday, I knew it was her even with the blonde wig and sunglasses, because I'd recognize that silver Bentley anywhere.

Well, we do have one ace up our sleeves. We have just enough money in the Manhattan apartment to hire Mr. Bumpoff.

We'll get through this, you'll see.

Comments

[Hope42day]

I never met Mr. Madoff, but I knew Mr. Save-a-lot well. I have been saving for that rainy day since childhood. My Grandma instilled the love of saving when we were young. My Dad continued to teach us to put some money away for later, for our education, a house,retirement. And we listened and continued to save. We saved and sacrificed to do so. But it was a good thing cause it was SAFE! We had faith in our banking system and finincial planners. We did not show wealth, we saved it. We did without luxury in our lives, so that we could be safe in out retirement and help our children.

We were wrong. This country has let down the "little man" that was the backbone of this country and the great "savers" of the middle class. Where was all the "news" and blogs about us losing our 401k's this past Sept.?? The rich lose in a scheme and it is all over the news. The middle class lose their hard earned savings and are just a passing footnote to this economic downfall. Our loss was not out of greed, it came from hard work, much sacrifice,and faith in tomorrow. I am angry at all that took my tomorrows away with their greed.

[Sundialsvc4]

(Chuckle-off...)

Nicely written (-off?). :-D

[miltthestilt]

This is a great blog!!! glad I found it..….very educational…thank you…I will put it on my favorites list.. I also learned a lot about trading strategies from 3 other great books. Hedge Fund Trading Secrets Revealed..by Robert Dorfman..and Confessions of a Street Addict of course by Jim Cramer..written before he got really famous.and Richard ARMS..STOP AND MAKE MONEY….all 3 are riveting and very informative. You should check them out if you like reading behind the scenes stuff about hedge fund and what methods they use to make money.

[Jacksonian]

Thanks for this. I'm LMA-OFF!

[ThePeacemakers]

I said this was BIGGER than Blago last week.

[anywho]

This story is HUGE and the media is barely mentioning it. The Blago story is boring and I now turn off when it is mentioned. Morning Joe is overdoing the story to the point that they are repeating themselves day after day. Wrong story guys. Move on until things change.

[drstu]

If you're actually interviewing for a Mr.Bumpoff, please let me know.

I can tell you first hand, that those that lost it all have nobody to blame but themselves for depositing their entire net worth into a single firm, one where the only people with access to financial records were all immediate family members.

My Dad never told me the type of wealth that he had, nor did he share that much of it, other than sending a nice, four-figure birthday check every year to each of his two children and three grandchildren. Its not like I ever counted his money, and I certainly never counted on it. My mom is a 75 year old cancer survivor, and my Dad is 83. They won't starve, and they'll sell their home and hopefully have enough to rent something for the next twenty years.

If you have enough money, yo support you, your family, and your heirs for generations, why would you risk it all? So that you can accumulate more wealth? That's called greed. Its a sickness that has led this country to where it is today. We all believe we're entitled to have everything right now, so we borrow (or steal) from the future to satisfy what we want right now.

The so-called smart institutions that lost billions. How many of them hired third-party forensic auditors that specialize in analyzing hedge funds before an investment is made? Those that did, didn't invest. Its that simple.

[BigMike75]

Free market huh?

[Willrue]

What I don't understand is why the media is so focused on the Blago story and not this. This is a huge story. 50 Billion dollars stolen/lost? And why no mention in most accounts that the two senior management people he confessed to were his own sons (who MUST have been complicent in this whole scheme, doncha think?) The whole thing really smells. I just hope that the investigators can recover some of the funds invested by the charities/­foundation­s.

[Overd0g]

Because it effected mainly the diabolical rich, who have their collective boots on the necks of the "working man".

[ThePeacemakers]

But because he had clients that were BANKS - that's BANKS, dude - it is having global implications.
BANKS - were a part of this.

[LeonBNJ]

I am concerned that those that are supposed to know how to invest and people of wealth were so greedy or overly trusting to invest with Mandoff. Then again, some of these same people were also involved in the decisions by banks and investment organizations that bought into excessively risky mortages and other investments that have led to our current economic crises affecting even the 'little people'.

[Posterella]

Great post and very cleverly written.

[mdbrafman]

i find this all incredibly interesting and devestating...can't even imagine how this all took place. Great post

[Edgy]

Great Post, very witty, keep up the black humor Nina!
I do agree with GrainOSand that I feel also for anyone who has lost all their money..however, I find it downright scary that you could even think you had that much secure wealth and yet it's just a house of cards like Enron.

I'm one of those people who when they win at the slot machines, cashes out immediately. Give me a government backed CD over some vague stock/inve­stment/wha­tever any day of the week.
The really sad thing about America is that it has gotten away from Little House on The Prairie, when we made EVERYTHING, today it seems the best this country can do is come up with financial scams that ultimately blow up in our faces. It's appalling actually, does anyone even know how to change a tire on a car or a bicycle, much less make one?

[GrainOSand]

Excellent use of language to drive a point home, thank you very much.

I feel for anyone hurt by the Misguided Ones' greed. It matters not if people are still rich yet lost millions, or if they were rich, and now are poor due to lost millions. Betrayal is cruel. It breaks the heart and chews the spirit. The rich are not immune. We all want to live in a safe environment of prosperity. When someone defiles our idea of decency, of security, and of trust, it can alter our caring and loving nature. Those who are really caring and loving will be saddened by the betrayal, burdened by the financial impact, but they also will take stock of that which was always important, and thus, not be altered. These times are transformative. These times are binding us all together. Imaginary walls of separating wealth and status are coming down to reveal that we are all in this together. 9/11 showed that, but some resisted and told us to go shopping and invaded other countries and defiled the idea that we could rise from the ashes to be better and stronger than ever, as a unified force to reckon with. Now is the time for us to get that message. We cannot be found busy or distracted during the asking and answering of who we are as a nation and who we want to be. Witness the times remove all distractions and illusions so that laser-like focus manifests.

[ndem]

Love this.! They can all just F***off!:)