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What I Say to Men Who Want to Screw

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Swelling. Urgency. Pressure.

I may have special powers to relieve swelling, urgency and pressure.

I write ad copy for mail-order vitamin companies. I recently covered rent and utilities for three years in a spacious Manhattan apartment, plus health insurance and personal training (8 sessions/month), with royalties from the sales of just three male health formulas. Each formula, I promised, shrinks an enlarged prostate and relieves urgent male swelling. I like to think my promises were fulfilled.

A few months ago I agreed to write a piece for a natural testosterone booster for men over 50 "who want to screw" (client's words) but have lost their sex drive and don't get great erections anymore. When I told my personal trainer about it, he said men can increase testosterone by doing squats to pump up the area. Even though my trainer is a fitness model contest winner, and very sweet, I can't use his idea in the promo. I can say something like this:

FEEL LIKE A MAN AGAIN TONIGHT!
PEAK YOUR POTENCY IN 20 MINUTES!

I rejected that headline. I couldn't tell if it sounds like you'll get a hard-on 20 minutes after you take the capsules, or like you'll have 20 minutes, once your hard-on is activated, to complete your sexual transaction. FYI, it takes 20 minutes for male orangutans on intravenous amino acids -- like those in the testosterone formula -- to reach a 49.68 percent spike in T levels.

When the sample bottle of Ultra Testi Maxx arrived, my first thought was, Woo hoo. Some days, I could care less about testosterone. Some days I wake up depressed and full of loathing, and all I want is buttered popcorn and Hershey's Krackel miniatures. During that time of the month, a hard boiled egg smells like death to me, and I want to climb into that closed-compartment bed in Wuthering Heights and sleep for 200 hours.

I can't mention this for the Ultra Testi Maxx promo, but it occurred to me that, medical and circulation issues notwithstanding, men over 50 just need to get in touch with their deeper senses. Over a lifetime surging with testosterone, the typical male isn't likely to tap his full spiritual resources because he's so busy responding to superficial stimuli. Now that your tank is low, isn't this your chance to tune into the subtle things, which count the most -- and can feel wonderful?

One morning, when I was out of Twinings English Breakfast, I decided to make tea with the Testi Maxx capsules. The powder dissolved instantly, and the tea smelled like cloves and was invigorating. Leo (my trainer) said it wouldn't affect me, since women don't have much testosterone to boost. For years, my gym has felt like a second home. Especially my current gym, which is four blocks from my apartment. Leo does a 20 min subway ride or flies over on his bike. He told me his bedroom has no windows. Quiet, but gloomy, I guess. The truth about the three years I lived off prostate formula royalty checks is that there were three different apartments -- I was restless -- and also, I changed gyms a few times, for convenience and to avoid former personal trainers. I used to be seduced by certain kinds of excitement.

I'm prey to all kinds of cravings, so it's likely just coincidence that on my third morning drinking Testi Maxx (2 capsules per mug), I was suddenly surging with a rock-hard craving for REAL maple syrup. On anything. Pancakes, waffles, mostly.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Leo and I went out once when he started training me. He was on the fence about his girlfriend then. He'd married very young, divorced, and his biggest fear, he told me over drinks, was waking up one day to realize he's lost years -- again -- by being too nice/oblivious. But we're all afraid of something:

• Impotence
• Rejection
• Abandonment
• Public speaking
• Having one's soul psychically buried or distorted by a loved one
• Being sexually attracted only to those who seek to pillage something precious in you
• Being doomed to live out the same relationship over and over, in which one of you is psychologically cannibalized by the other and love never takes root.
• Dying alone

Still, we make decisions, take action. For instance, I kept drinking Testi-tea daily, because it enhanced my creativity. Check out my Ultra Testi Maxx haiku:

Want Great Sex Tonight?
So much depends on hormones.
Here's a bottle full!

Or, to target the audience:

Men Over 50:
Perform Like You're Thirty-One
No one wants to die.

Men Over 50, I'm not judging. We all need a little help. For as long as I've been menstruating I've gone through phases where my period is seriously irregular. But, when I take this Female Endurance formula a guy in Chinatown sold me, I'm clock-work! As long as I have the formula, it's 28 days, 28 days, 28 days, 28 days.

As I ushered the Ultra Testi Maxx copy to its final stages, Leo and I found ourselves, during a special leg/glute session, chatting about Kim Kardashian. Leo hates her because she has zero talent and only got famous because of her father, who wasn't even that famous. (Not Bruce Jenner, apparently.) A trainer I had a few years ago told me told me Kim got famous from a sex tape, but when I mentioned the tape to Leo, he said, "Even that was whack." I wanted to ask Leo in what way it was whack, but I couldn't find the right moment. First I was on the hamstring curl machine (face down, etc.), then we were at the stretching table, me on my back, one ankle resting on his shoulder.

Now, at any age,
Cum as if you're twenty-one
Even when alone!

Honestly, some 20-30-somethings need sexual nurturing, some 40-somethings walk around with a chronic aching hard-on, and I'm not sure about 50-something. I do need to move away from guys in the 25-34 year age range. I think. If I could wave a magic wand and have whatever I want, who would it be and how old?

One night I went to the high-rise off Central Park where Leo was working as a night doorman. There's a killer burger place near there and I was craving red meat. I brought Leo a burger and encouraged him to quit. "This Godforsaken job is stealing your vitality," I said. "Use your nights as nature intended."

Have you ever seen Shampoo, with Warren Beatty? There's a scene toward the end. Jack Warden, playing a wealthy, married, middle-aged politician, is complaining to Beatty about his (Warden's, but also Beatty's) ultra-feminine young girlfriend, played by Julie Christie. Warden calls Christie a whore. Beatty says, "You can say everybody's a whore." Beatty shrugs off the line with easy compassion and deep resignation. Don't judge. People are people. Make yourself and someone else happy.

Also, I remember now, I told Leo, "You're young. You've got 15-20 years before you need to settle down. Find yourself an independently comfortable woman. A little older, but still in nice shape."

When I finished the Testi Maxx promo, Leo helped me celebrate. If it makes $$ in the mail, I'll train 3x/week instead of two. I'm typing softly now like an angel. Leo's snoozing away in my little alcove. So sweet, like a young prince.

Men Over 50:
Try This New Sex Formula!
If it Works, That's Great!!