Here I am middle of the bridge, trying not to look back and lusting for that glimpse of the light ahead. And there it is. In the craziness of this world, in the storm that rocked out worlds, a glimpse of light. What a blessing.
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I want so badly to move on. Let me go, Cancer. I don't want to think about you anymore.

On most days, I am like you, floating through a mindless daily rhythm. I hit the snooze button. I drink too much Cabernet. I eat too much chocolate. I text at the stoplight. I get angry at Costco. I walk the same sidewalk as you, trying to be the best version of myself and navigate through the hustle.

I want to do more in this world. I want to harness the ambition I felt the first time I raised my hand at HBS. I want dance until the morning to throwback jams. I want to put my arms out to the weak and embrace them to safety. I want so badly to change the world, to live more, to be more.

And then my body reminds me. My body reminds me that I have not crossed the bridge. I cough. I get pneumonia. I feel mysterious pain. I get tired walking up the stairs. I see the doctor three times a week. That is my body's way of reminding me that I am still broken. That I am still a little bit in survival mode. That this very breath I am taking is a gift. Don't take it for granted, Nina.

I see it in the eyes of the people I love. They cannot cross the bridge either. They carry me in their arms like the most fragile thing they have ever seen. I see it in the eyes of Matt, in the eyes of my father. I worry that it is their greatest misfortune to have fallen in love with sick little me.

Here I am middle of the bridge, trying not to look back and lusting for that glimpse of the light ahead. And there it is. In the craziness of this world, in the storm that rocked out worlds, a glimpse of light. What a blessing.

This August 30th marks my second year out of cancer treatment. Two years of waking up in my own bed. Two years making breakfast for my family. Two years of joy that I have experienced in a way never before.

Maybe I am already in the light.

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For updates, please visit Nina's website at: www.savenina.com. Follow Nina on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/ninaneedsyou or on Instagram @ninalouie

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