Against The Stream: The Dharma Punx Path

I came to this path and perspective from a place of deep confusion and great suffering. These teachings are not theoretical or philosophical to me; they have been directly experienced. Although I have already written in detail about my personal experiences of coming to and applying these practices in my memoir, Dharma Punx, I offer this abbreviated version for those who are unfamiliar with my story.

In 1988 I woke up in a padded cell, addicted to drugs, committed to a life of crime and violence, and wanting to die. Prior to that day, I had seen myself as a rebel, a punk rock revolutionary. Ever since I was a child I had been engaged in illegal and illicit activity. It seems that I had always known that the material world is run by oppression and ignorance and that the only viable solution is to rebel, to go against the stream. And I had been successful at defying the cultural norms of society's laws and structure--at least externally. I had raised myself on a steady diet of punk rock nihilism and anti-authority ethics in a haze of drug-induced self-destruction.

From an early age I was suicidal. Ironically, drugs and the punk ethic were the very things that allowed me to survive adolescence. In drugs I found temporary freedom from the pain and confusion of life. In punk rock I found meaning, community, and a form in which to express my discontent. At first these things promised freedom and meaning, but by the time I was a teenager, I was losing hope and exchanged my punk ethic for a life of crime and addiction. The years of confusion and a life of following my mind's cravings and anger led to repeated incarcerations and deeper and deeper levels of suffering.

At seventeen years old, after waking up in the padded cell of the local juvenile hall, I could no longer see a way to blame the world for my problems. Instead, I began to see that I was the problem. I was the one stealing, taking drugs, and hurting people. I was in jail because of my actions, not because of anyone else's. I had no one to blame but myself. I was overcome with the pain and sorrow that were fueling my downward spiral. My whole life had become a quest to escape from reality.

But this time in juvenile hall, something was different. I could see where I was, and it scared me. It was more real and for the fi rst time in my life, I knew that where I was and what I had become was my fault. I had always blamed everyone else: the cops, the system, society, my teachers, my family: everyone but myself. I was a victim of my surroundings, a product of my environment. But none of that was working anymore. With shocking clarity I could see that my wretched state was the consequence of my addiction to drugs: this is what happens to thieving drug addicts like me.

I had hit bottom. I had lost all hope; death was all I had to look forward to. On the phone with my father, I told him about all the regret and fear I was experiencing. He suggested that some simple meditation techniques might help alleviate some of what I was feeling. He explained to me the basics of meditation and told me that much of the diffi culty I was experiencing was due to replaying the events of the past and making up stories about the future. He reminded me that in the present moment I had food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and clothes to wear.

My dad had been telling me things like this my whole life, but I had never really heard him until that day. I had always felt that meditation was a waste of time, the hobby of hippies and New Age weirdos. It had never made sense to me to sit still and meditate. I had always felt that there was too much to do, too much to experience, and perhaps too much pain and confusion to face. Although I was shaking with the fear of spending the rest of my life in prison and physically aching from all of the abuse I had put myself through, I could finally see that he was right. Deep down I wanted to live, and something inside of me knew that meditation was my last hope of survival.

My father said, "The best way to keep the mind in the present moment, in the beginning, is through awareness of breathing." He offered me this simple instruction: "Bring your awareness to the breath by focusing your attention on the sensation of breathing. Attempt to stay with the sensations of each breath by counting each inhalation and exhalation. Try to count to ten--breathing in, one; breathing out, two; and so on. Whenever the mind wanders off to the thoughts of the future or past, gently bring it back to the breath and start over at one. If you can actually stay with the breath all the way to ten, start over again at one."

This turned out to be the beginning of a meditation practice that would prove to be one of the main focuses of my life.

I remained incarcerated until a little after I turned eighteen, about nine months. Meditation was helpful, but for the first couple of years I practiced only occasionally. I still thought that perhaps it was the drugs that had been the real problem. But after having stayed drug free and completely sober for almost two years, I came to the understanding that the causes of suffering in my life were rooted well below the surface manifestations of addiction.

I came to the realization that the only thing that had ever truly alleviated confusion and suffering in my life was meditation. So I began to explore the possibility of finding a spiritual solution to my living crisis. One of the foundational experiences of my early spiritual exploration was the twelve-step process of recovery from alcoholism and addiction. Although I had been sober for a couple of years and was attending twelve-step meetings regularly, I had never truly attempted to practice the principles of the steps, which together form a practical spiritual and psychological process. In 1990, I began to do what was suggested in the recovery program, which consisted of prayer, meditation, personal inventories, and amends.

Simultaneously, I began attending Buddhist meditation retreats and studying the ancient wisdom of the Eastern spiritual traditions. This was very helpful to me, because the twelve-step view of an externalized "higher power" had always proven difficult to accept. After a couple of years of shopping around in the spiritual supermarket of New Age American spiritual interpretations of the Buddhist, Hindu, and Sufi traditions of the East, and a short stint in a confused and corrupted cult, I came to fi nd that the teachings of the Buddha, as originally taught (that is, pre-Mahayana Buddhism), were what resonated with me the most.

Over the past twenty years I have been committed to studying and practicing the path of the Buddha. This practice has taken the form of numerous silent meditation retreats, ranging from a week to three months in length. It has also taken me, several times, to the monasteries of Southeast Asia and the pilgrimage sites of ancient India.

About ten years into my practice I began teaching meditation classes in the same juvenile hall in which I been incarcerated when I began this path. Having dropped out of school as a teenager, I also began studying at the local junior college and eventually moved on to earn a bachelor's degree and then a master's degree in counseling psychology.

In 2000, one of my teachers, Jack Kornfield, invited me to join a small group of Buddhist teachers to be trained over a four- or five-year period. That experience of mentorship, education, support, and encouragement proved to be transformative and became the foundation for expanding my ability to translate my personal spiritual experiences into the language and form of guiding others through the process of awakening. My practice and study under Jack, as well as others, connects me to an unbroken lineage of Buddhist practitioners that leads all the way back to Sid.

For the past few years I have been engaged in teaching, writ- ing, and counseling. My aim is to use my early life's experiences to serve youth in juvenile halls, men in prison, and my generation on the streets and in society, and to do my best to make the teachings and practices of the Buddha accessible and available to all who are interested. In 2003 my memoir, Dharma Punx, was published. That book related my personal experience of how spiritual practice and service transformed my attitude and outlook on life.

This blog is my offering to you of the path that I walk, the path of the spiritual revolutionary. Please keep an eye out for the weekly postings that will offer the teachings and practices that I am referring to.

Comments

[Jonahson]

Noah, where there is sufferring there is Buddha. Where there is Samsara there is Nirvana. Your pre Mahayana era refers to the Teaching of the Elders(Theravada). To be able to reach for the Buddha's Teachings during your hour of desperation means you have taken refuge in the Buddha , Dhamma and Sangha before.
Your experience touching the abyss of despair and climbing out of a pit of vipers will be of benefit not only you but others as well. Your experience wil let you understanding others in similar situation and to help them as well.
Quote from the Earth Store Bodhisatva, "If I don't go down to hell who else will?"

[Jonahson]

Noah, where there is sufferring there is Buddha. Where there is Samsara there is Nirvana. Your pre Mahayana era refers to the Teaching of the Elders(Theravada). To be able to reach for the Buddha's Teachings during your hour of desperation means you have taken refuge in the Buddha , Dhamma and Sangha before.
Your experience touching the abyss of despair and climbing out of a pit of vipers will be of benefit not only you but others as well. Your experience wil let you understanding others in similar situation and to help them as well.
Quote from the Earth Store Bodhisatva, "If I don't go own to hell who else will?"

[Emerald1943]

How amazing to find the Buddhist Darma on the HuffPost! I guess we all have our "dark nights' of confusion and I surely had mine. I picked up a book called "What the Buddha Taught" and I could not put it down. All of a sudden, the light came on! It made perfect sense!

I'm not so good at meditation....never had a teacher...but I try every day to develop compassion for all other beings! It has been my saving grace!

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I look forward to reading more!

Signed: The "Dalai Mama" in North Carolina...my kids nicknamed me this!

[MeditateAndDestroy]

Greetings from a fellow traveler from Santa Cruz, Noah. Your work is important and has a great impact upon the people touched by DP compassion.
My nephew has recently suffered the loss of his mother at the hands of his father, who now sits in SC County Jail awaiting trial for her murder. He went off to his first year at college and was arrested for possession with intent to sell about 2 weeks in to his first semester. He is adrift.......
I hooked him up with Jason Murphy's group here in SC, and he has taken to the introspective nature of meditation as his new anchor in this storm. My nephew is starting to find his ground and get his feet underneath him.

Your work made this possible. I am eternally grateful for your awakening and the ripples your work has sent out to the world.

Ciye Baker

[taueret]

I'm trying to work out what pre- mahayana means. Just working with the idea that there is suffering and it has a cause, sans all the 'for all sentient beings'?

[Jonahson]

Working for all sentient beings is also found in the southern form of buddhism as well, but not emphasized. In the Metta Sutta, the Buddha advices his followers to love each sentient being as a mother would for her child.

Not everyone is capable of loving all sentient beings in that way, because some need to learn how to love themselves first. That is why the Buddha taught 3 veicheles. He was wise enough to not overwhelm his diciples or give them ultimatiums. he just used another method. He was more like "okay...if this dosent work for you, lets try something else" (read: chulapantaka's story)

Tibetan Buddhism has the largest arsenal of tools that helps with the mind, but that dosent make it better than Theravarda. The variations in Buddhist traditions are meant to suit different mentalities and cultures.

[YouAreHere]

Thank you for giving your gifts. I utilize your book in my work.

As a recovering person (aren't we all and always "re-covering" what remains eternal from what we are attached to?) and psychotherapist working mostly with other recoveirng perosns, I have learned that the 12 Steps are simply one path of spiritual devleopment, and that it is interesting that our antidote for addiction is spiritual awakening. My experience is that addiction is an unconsciously and materially acted out manifestation of our innate spiritual instinct to experience our true eternal nature.

I find the most important three letters in the 12 Steps are the "ing" at the end of the word "awakening" because it reminds me that it is a process that is not bound by the illusory field of time and can only be experienced int hsi very present now moment.

I also have learned and teach Step Zero, which is, "Be here now." Without Step Zero the 12 Steps are, for me, simply a checklist aimed at a future outcome.

[count zero]

Noah - I have followed you since I first picked up Dharma Punx - having struggled with drugs and that deep empty feeling myself - I can relate to your story. I study Buddhism and try and find the time to meditate and stay on the path.

So very glad you are here.

[Tamoomoo]

Congratulations on your positive journey. You sound like you're in a great place now.

[Ed Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Noah great story! How wonderful you came through with your head in one piece. It can only make you a great and profound teacher. I have been through my dark night of the soul and it was very very challenging.