Stop the Music

Every time I read something about Susan Boyle, I like to think it will be the last thing I read about her. But it never is. Days have passed, and people are still writing about her. Tina Brown has written something this morning that begins by saying that Susan Boyle's moment in history may have been totally fabricated but it doesn't matter because something true came from something false. I have no idea what the piece goes on to say, because I'm afraid to read it. Because the worst thing about Susan Boyle -- and there are several, but I'm going to deal with only one -- is that she sings that horrible song. That song is worse than all of Andrew Lloyd Webber, and it's worse than "It's A Small World After All." That song from Les Miserables that Susan Boyle sings is the all-time most horrible song ever in history, and the reason is simple: it sticks in your brain and never stops playing. Even if you watched Susan Boyle only once, dry-eyed, it sticks for days and days. And just when you think it's gone, you see the title in print, and it starts playing again.

Many years ago, when I was young, I had a boyfriend whose father had a symphony in his head. It wasn't Beethoven's Fifth, or anything worth listening to -- it was a completely original symphony. My boyfriend's father was not a composer; the symphony existed only in his head, and every time he lay down to try to sleep, the symphony began to play. He had to buy a special pillow that played the sound of the ocean in order to get the symphony to disappear.

I was fascinated by this, so fascinated that it's something I remember (as opposed to all the things I have forgotten). I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be tormented by the sound of music, but now I know: it's what happens when you get older, only in my case, it's not a symphony, it's just a series of bad songs. And they play and play and play. All day long. They play in rhythm as I walk down the street, and they float in and out of my brain as I work. Sometimes I dream them. In fact, I would say that on many occasions I dreamed a dream of them if I weren't so afraid of saying those unspeakable words. I have my very own soundtrack that plays to my very own life, only instead of consisting of songs I love, it's composed of the songs that stick in my brain. It's a form of hell, and that's the truth.

I understand that it will be weeks before Susan Boyle gets up to sing again in front of that show, but there's no question in my mind what she will sing in the next round: that song from Titanic. And in the next round, that song from The Bodyguard. I daren't even say their names or they will start playing.

Comments

[John Yocca]

Nora, Les Miz has that affect on people. If you're a Seinfeld fan, you may recall that George Costanza got "Master of the House" stuck in his head and Jerry warned him Schumann went crazy from getting one note stuck in his head.

[sabrinatee]

As usual, Ephron cuts to the heart of the matter with painful clarity. I too hate the score from Les Miserables - unfortunately I suffered through it on Broadway, and again during interminable little theatre productions starring various nieces and nephews. Ugh. It is worse than anything written by Lloyd Webber, although I do have a hideous fear that soon Boyle will sing "Memories" from Cats and all will be lost.

But I do have a suggestion on how to eradicate awful songs stuck in your head: for some reason, singing or thinking about a couple of verses of "Puff the Magic Dragon" clears them away (and PtMD doesn't stick around). Strange but true.

[gatogato]

Or maybe she will read the script from "When Harry met Sally". Now that would be awful.

[tubette]

I would have to agree. but wait....
"Every time I read something about Susan Boyle, I like to think it will be the last thing I read about her. But it never is."
it never ends, even here.

[YogiBarrister]

I get where Nora is coming from, but I still think that was a thrilling moment. As far as live television performances go, it might end up winning the silver medal, second only to The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.

[Cinnamonape]

I don't get the effect from that Les Miz tune, but that's perhaps because I haven't seen the opera. I can't even remember what it's like now. Perhaps that's one of the reasons that I could listen to Ms. Boyle's song and appreciate it. Good range, and not a lot of melodramatic vocal effects like that insipid diva Celine Dion.

Now if she had come on and sung "The Theme from Gilligan's Island", "Material Girl", or "The Banana Splits Song"...I'd be in trouble. Unless they were done as parody's...still I might be running through them in my mind.

The endless cycle effect has something to do with the context when first heard and the number of times exposed. There has to be something else going on here, Ms. Ephon. If Boyle had sung the song badly it might not keep running like and endless tape loop through your head. And it can't be just the one time.

Maybe Boyle will get the tune out by singing some other song...something from "Cats" or the "Fantasticks"!

[actcochise]

Man, I cried laughing when reading this posting!

[Bulbul]

Interesting reaction !

[danomano97]

I know this is random, but, as a side note, I wanted to say that this is your waiter from PAYARD!

Anyway, I wanted to say that I passionately agree. Also, what's the big deal? Her voice is ok. Not terrible, not fantastic. Why is everyone lining up to congratulate this woman? Is it because of the way she looks physically? And if it is, what does that say about the people who are SO surprised and moved as if there is any connection between physical beauty and vocal tecnique?? Don't they realize how shallow that makes them look? I can't wait until this blows over.

Always great seeing you, Ms. Ephron!!

[LaColombe]

Hearing Boyle for the first time was like hearing Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle) for the first time! Golee! Surprise! Surprise! Shazam!

[robbor]

good for you

[AnnfromCA]

I just wince at the entire deal, since it seems loaded with sexism to me. "Oh, look....the homely woman can sing."

*blech*

[CJWebber]

I don't know if it is sexism as they did the same thing with Paul Potts. However, if she wasn't so plain-looking they wouldn't be making such an issue of this. I agree.

[holman2]

Was this article supposed to be funny? Or satirical? Or? Cause I missed it entirely. Sounds like Nora the Great was just giving the lady Boyle a hard time for no reason. I guess I just don't understand celebrities.

[HyperInfluential]

I've figured out that the reason this article bothers me so much is that it brings up issues of the Beauty Myth. Women in our culture are encouraged by all media and many social institutions to be obsessed with their bodies, to literally "feel bad about" their necks, or whatever parts of themselves don't measure up to a set standard dictated by fashion elites.

I admire people like Ms. Ephron who work within that Beauty Myth system and still find wisdom and humor and good things to write about, but I feel uncomfortable when writers like her say they are speaking about being "a woman," as if they speak for me. I try to stay out of that whole trap, because a little empirical research will show you that men absolutely do not know or care whether your handbag is in style, so if the MEN don't care, then who exactly is this show FOR?

Along comes Susan Boyle, and she's a complete fail, according to the Beauty Myth, and yet she has achieved worldwide stardom, almost overnight. Clearly, that touched a nerve for Ms. Ephron, so she wrote this piece ostensibly about how songs get stuck in our heads. But it just doesn't ring true. That's not really enough for a whole article like this. Why bring Susan Boyle into it? I just see this as the instinctive reaction of the Beauty Myth mindset to someone breaking all the rules and getting away with it.

[jstowe100]

This is one for the ages. I wonder if you realize how well you've spoken here.

Your last sentence; this is the vibe I'm getting in this article too. A touch of resentment, and contempt, for a woman who is not just breaking all the rules over in some quiet corner, as an outcast, but rather on the world's stage, as the center of attention, and receiving validation.

[texasnative3]

I agree with you. I read Ms. Ephron's piece and I thought, What a stretch for a topic. She could have just as easily done a piece about a commercial jingle getting stuck in her head. Ms. Boyle has a wonderful voice, just right for musical theater, and since that's her stated ambition, I wish her well.

[rubinoff]

yup...sounds like Nora is jealous, much....bet she can't sing 'her' way out of a paper bag. :( is it too hard to give susan a compliment?

[gatogato]

I always found her scripts to be lame so I don't get the highhanded comments.
Unless she finally got irony right.

[senevada]

Why bother complaining about that tepid nonsense that consistently comes out of ALL of these awful "idol" shows, why not just switch the channel. After all what did you expect? It's like picking up a bland bit of nosense from the airport bookshop and acting disappointed that it didn't move you like Steinbeck.

[HyperInfluential]

Whoa, way to be mean-spirited and irrelevant. Like the world hasn't kicked Susan Boyle around enough before her recent fame, you just had to add a little bit more of a dig to remind her that she doesn't deserve what she's gotten, despite the fact that yes, that's really her singing and so yes, she kind of DOES deserve the fame and attention.

Jealous much, Ms. Ephron? What exactly do YOU do again? Obviously, not mesmerize crowds with your angelic voice.

[MacTheBlogger]

Bingo.

[gatogato]

Certainly not with her tepid attempts at wit and humor.

[Bulbul]

How about not listening to Susan sing any more, for you once was plenty .....

[northstar11]

patio lanterns -- perfectly wretched song.

[Phideaux]

Norah: Getting rid of the "Pete and Re-Pete" dilemma is easy, just do the following:
(a) Plug in your headphones and crank em' up to a volume just below the threshold of pain.

(b) Download and play the following songs all in one session:
Peter Green, "The Green Manalishi"
Johnny Winter, "Be Careful With A Fool"
Govt. Mule, "Worried Down With the Blues"
Ten Years After, "Help me Baby"
Cream, "Spoonful" (the 17 minute live version)
Buddy Guy, "Red House"
Jimmy Thackery "Dangerous Highway"
and finally, Coco Montoya's, "Can't See The Streets For My Tears"

No doubt you'll have temporary tinnitus afterwards, and it's recommended you don't drive or operate any machinery for a few hours. But I gar-un-tee these will push any of Dear Miss Boyle's songs out of your head for a long, long time.

Let us know how it goes.

[editorjuno]

I don't see Ms. Ephron as a loud blues guitar type -- but fortunately, there are more than enough other genres of authentically soulful music that would serve the same cleansing purpose, albeit without the tinnitus and post-performance disorientation. :-)