7 Reasons Why We Choose the Wrong Partner

04/10/2015 05:50 pm ET

The constant dissatisfaction, the rush, the way how we try to make everything happen fast -- these are just some of the things that force us into making decisions that would be better not to make sometimes. We say yes to things that with a clear mind we would never do so, but then and there it looks like the correct decision, like something you have to make -- even without any idea of why. Maybe it's because you feel lonely; maybe because it is like that from too long already. And there you go: The next moment you are already into something that's harder to get out from than anything else before. But there might be a lot of reasons why you find yourself in the wrong relationship. This is what we are talking about today.


Why do we choose the wrong partner? Based on answers from my readers, here are the most common problems:

1. You are afraid of being rejected so you get together with someone else.

This is the reason that could drive me out of my mind any time I hear it. It's easier to say yes to a simpler choice, to a person who is easier to get, than to the one we really dream about, having no courage or sincerity but just fear in our hearts. Maybe we are scared of being refused; maybe we just don't want to open ourselves, putting all our feelings out there. Independent of what we do or whoever we get together with, we will never be able to run away from our own feelings. We can be with whoever: We will still be thinking about that special one. Accept what you feel, even if it's hard, and talk about it honestly! Don't get into a situation like the one shared with me by one of my readers a couple of days ago: The love of her life was too scared of telling her how much he loved her throughout years. Today they are a couple and they are happier than ever, but imagine what could have happened if the girl wouldn't have been in love? If they would have lived their entire lives in a lie? Sometimes we are so scared of the happiness we could possibly experience that we choose not to make that extra step -- maybe because we know that the bigger the happiness is, the higher is the chance to end up heartbroken. So we choose someone easier to get. And then another easy one. And another... and this is what goes all along till we even make ourselves believe that we are completely over of that other person.

We can lie as much as we want to, we can get whoever into our lives, there are still going to be people who are impossible to substitute. You can try, but you will quickly realize that there is just one of him/her, and no one can ever make you feel the way you feel next to that special someone. See if you can accept this, if can you stop looking for him/her in others, if you can stop trying to forget, but start to accept that more than likely there won't be anyone else in this life who will ever have such an influence over you as he/she, -- and know that every moment spent letting him/her entering your mind poisons you, destroys you and paralyzes you. You get confused, you don't want to feel ever again, but you are also curious if there can be any other pain able to beat this one. Because if there is, you wanna feel it. Maybe that will make this one disappear. You bring in everything bigger, harder, more unbearable into your life just to not have to face the reality -- even if that would probably be much easier.

2. You are scared of not being able to do well by yourself.

I met with multiple girls saying that they just simply need someone to be in their lives, otherwise they don't feel that they can exist. Not because they are not happy alone, but only because -- according to them -- this is the type of person they are. Maybe that is what they were seeing while growing up, maybe this is really the thing they need, but the fact is, that they are the ones whose first question is not if they are in love with the other person but if that other person is able to create safety and comfort in their lives. There is no trouble with this either, we are all different, but this should not be the first question when it comes to relationships.


3. You are afraid of being alone.

In case this fear comes along with doing whatever it takes to avoid staying alone, it might easily lead you into a relationship where you have no real feelings for the other person at all, but you believe that something is still better than nothing and at least someone is paying attention to you. Someone just commented yesterday on Instagram under those couple of lines I put out from my new book, that it would be nice if I would talk more about the topic of loneliness -- I will. I will, because it's one of the most important pieces of your life and if this is not handled in the right manner, everything can fall and you will be making one wrong decision after the other. You let someone back in your life just because it makes you happy that he wants you again, but if you are happy as an individual, before letting anyone come back, you realistically think through if it makes any sense. Then you'll think back to all those times you did it already, and you imagine with your inner eyes what would possibly happen if you would give him another chance... or just how that would affect the life you spent all that time trying to build up.

Individuals who have built strong walls around themselves make hard decisions a lot easier than those who accept whoever, in an attempt to not having to stay alone. The second type says yes for everything, forget about past pains, while the one who got a life that makes her happy doesn't make irresponsible decisions because she knows how much work her balanced life needed.

4. You are afraid of what is going to happen to the other.

I know how hard it is to say "I would like to end this now" after years past and battles won together or if you have something built up by the two of you. But you have to make that decision not just for yourself but also for the other person. You do have to give him the chance of having a better life with someone else, a life where he is loved by someone the way he deserves to be. What you give, you get -- never forget this. The way you treat him now is how you are going to be treated in your future relationships -- this is just how it all works. Don't be afraid of what is he going to be doing without you: He will get over it and will start a new life.

5. You think that with someone else it's going to be easier.

In cases like this, our protagonist decides to be with someone from the exact same kind -- without even realizing it at the beginning. There is her usual, comfortable but loved life she has, but she prefers stepping out of it to get some excitement -- instead of bringing it into the already existing relationship she owns. Obviously, thinking it through realistically, it makes no sense leaving everything behind, but in the hope of a better relationship she is willing to do it without any further thoughts.

6. You want to satisfy other people.

"My parents wanted me to be with him." I still get a lot of messages like this day after day. Or "My parents forbid me to be with him." Or my favorite: "Everybody had boyfriends already, so I also had to get together with someone." Maybe it's time to start thinking about if these are real reasons for choosing a partner... I don't think so.


7. Addiction

He is your drug. You know that he destroys you, but you don't have the strength to get away from him. You decide day after day to finish it up, but the next day you are still waking up next to him. You are unable to get away from him, it is just not an option. You say that it's over, but you are too weak to take the final step leading out from the relationship. You kill each other a bit every second, but you still stay in the situation without having any idea about the reasons why. Back in the day you might have been creating causes like "we belong to each other's lives," "we have a special bond" or "nobody can understand this." Sure. You just forget that this "special bond" is the one what chokes you and destroys your lives. You would get away from it, but it doesn't let you go. And if you would run away, it takes you down deeper and deeper and deeper.

Have something to add to this story?
E-mail me: