Good news! The apocalypse is finally here: You can now put a new ass on layaway.
I was checking out at a local market in West Hollywood recently, when I noticed a stray pamphlet advertising a special "elective plastic surgery" credit card. Apparently, a company called CareCredit offers payment plans specifically for cosmetic procedures like nose jobs, wrinkle injections and butt augmentation at over 100 medical practices nationwide. And other companies are following suit.
I know there are probably practical applications for such things, but my mind immediately went the other direction. I mean, imagine the possibilities!
You know that 90-inch flat screen HD-TV that you just couldn't live without? The one that you'll be paying off for the next 25 years, at which point HD technology will be as relevant as Betamax? Well, this is just like that.
Only, now, instead of electronics, you can start payment on something like a nice new lifted butt. And we're not talking about some bargain basement lopsided K-Mart bum. These are high-end Kim Kardashian rumps compliments of Beverly Hills doctors with legitimate medical degrees from non-correspondence colleges and everything.
Personally, I may start a layaway plan for a new nose. Either that or a bagel toaster. What? Those things are cool!
Anyway, it's about time you signed up too. The national average for credit card debt per household is $7,000, according to the Federal Reserve's 2007 Survey of Consumer Finances. And almost 10 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were performed in 2009, only a 2% drop from previous statistics according The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. That's a 162% rise since 1997.
And they say we're in a recession. Bah. Debbie downers! They need to get Restylane injections for all those negative frown lines.
The point is that you're not really pulling your weight, if you haven't even had laser hair removal or Lasik vision correction this year or accumulated more debt. Have you at least eaten fast food? Americans spend $100 billion on choice items like KFC's Double Down (a bacon and cheese sandwich which employs fried chicken fillets in place of bread). How else can we validate our steady diet of liposuction?
And being unemployed is no excuse, by the way. These cosmetic surgery-specific credit card companies have slogans like "Payment Solutions for Every Body" and "No Money Down!" "Every Body" means you. You can afford this. Just prioritize! Who needs an education anyway? Not your kids! They'll just be cute instead (once they get those ears pinned back).
Even if you don't want to spring for the whole butt lift right now, you can opt for a little collagen injection in your lips or a chemical peel. Maybe some permanent eyelash extensions would help you get a job?
Or maybe you already have a job. Maybe you're like 18-year-old singer, Charice, who got Botox before her first appearance on Fox's Glee because she wanted to look less haggard and past-her-prime when she appears on screen. (That huge HDTV you're paying off really brings out her teenage wrinkles.)
Charice's publicist claims her client actually got injections to cure her TMJ (a teeth grinding-related issue that makes people's jaws lock). Although, as I understand it, that's still cosmetic because the injections stop over-sized jaw muscles from forming on either side of your face. Still, maybe she got her insurance to pay for it that way. Smart girl, that Charice.
And why not? Plastic surgery boosts your self-esteem, which is good for everyone, right? Just ask ex-Hills star Heidi Montag. She got ten procedures in one day and she seems really happy about it. Well, when she's not sobbing to her mother on national television or breaking up with her psychologically abusive boyfriend.
Actually, on second thought, I think I may have my whole face reconstructed to look like Mel Gibson's, as long as I can take my time paying it off. Then people will make excuses for me no matter what I do. "We're serious this time. This is your last chance, Mel! It's 568 strikes and you're out!"
Admittedly, these credit cards do also help people who have real problems like deformities from accidents and birth defects like small boobs.
But, most importantly, now when you plop down with your Double Down--or even McRib--to ogle your HDTV, you'll know you're sitting on one extremely taut ass.
And you can take that to the bank.
That is, if you ever bother to peel it off your couch.
Follow Nora Zelevansky on Twitter: www.twitter.com/missnoraz