My husband and I don't want to have kids now... or ever. When I revealed our decision to a close girlfriend, she responded with shock. "Wow. Well, just don't ever tell anyone. Just lie and say you're thinking about it." Her husband then explained to my husband and me that "We are Catholic. You do know that THE reason we get married is to have kids?" Hearing this, I had to look around to be sure it was 2012 A.D, and to see whether anyone else had found this open disapproval as offensive and comical as I had.
On another occasion, a friend reacted in a similar manner, saying, "Well, just don't ever become one of those women with a chip on their shoulder because you don't have children." What does that even mean? Why can't I just be me, a happy married woman without children?
The three friends I mentioned are all in their 20's, married, successful, educated, living in D.C. and, obviously, planning to someday have children. While society as a whole is becoming considerably more tolerant of non-traditional families, these conversations, among others, have led me to believe that the "purposely childless family" isn't quite socially acceptable yet.
I respect my friends' beliefs and choices for their own lives. But I have to ask: Is society so closed-minded that parenting can't be an individual choice made without criticism? Sure, most married couples have children or plan to (or so it seems), but why is there a stigma around those who don't? Why do we assume that when a married couple has no children they are either a) planning on it b) unable to do so or c) sad freaks of societal nature?
My husband and I have been married for two years and together for eight. You could say we are the classic college sweethearts, as we did a lot by the book. After graduation we followed great career opportunities to DC. We married at 25 (me) and 30 (him) and soon after, we bought a house in a quaint DC suburb. Yes, we wanted a yard and a large covered front porch -- but we also wanted to be within walking distance to the metro so that we could continue to enjoy the urban life with our still-single friends.
Next, we got a puppy, Cowboy, and he quickly became the main focus of our Facebook posts. But then what? Surely after having good jobs, marriage, a house and a dog, a baby should be at least in the works? Especially since my "clock is ticking," right? Many people told us we would "never truly be ready to have children." We were in a moment where, on paper, we actually did feel ready. We found ourselves thinking that just because we were, didn't mean we necessarily should.
Don't get me wrong, my husband and I like children. He is especially incredible with them. We like playing with them, teaching them, learning from them, but we also very much enjoy returning to our diaper-free lives and quiet home. My husband and I have nieces and nephews who we adore, love, support and look forward to watching grow up to become amazing adults. However, after careful contemplation and observation of parents and their children around us, we decided that being close to them was already sufficiently rewarding for us. So why have our own?
Sure, we would enjoy crafting an adorable baby announcement, designing a luxe nursery and holding our baby for the first time. But the happy thought of these experiences do not overshadow the harsher realities of parenting: there will be sleepless nights, child care challenges, diaper changes, messy meals, little or no time for our own interests, discipline issues, financial stresses, public embarrassing tantrums, limited alone time and horrifying moments when we just will not know what to do no matter how many parenting books we have read. Simply put, it's just not for us.
In the two years we have been married, my husband and I have traveled all over the east and west coasts and Europe. We worked on a major kitchen renovation in our home. I graduated with my Masters and he will be doing the same this year. We have taken classes on food and wine. We bought our dream cars. We have both either been promoted or have taken a more rewarding opportunity. We have played on sports teams together. We have celebrated every milestone with travel, a new experience, or at the very least a bottle of bubbly. We have donated our time for good causes. We have explored new hobbies. We go out socially many weekdays and weekends with our single and married 20-30 something friends. Life is wonderful.
I have to ask (because it seems too many people are fearful to do so), why give any of this up? Many of my friends who have children have said it's the best thing that has ever happened to them. And I genuinely believe that. But somehow my husband and I know in our hearts it's not right for us. We are so very happy now. Not because of material possessions or the extra funds in the bank account -- but the FREEDOM.
The freedom to travel with just enough notice to pack our suitcases. The freedom to not plan my girls' nights and our date nights around a babysitter's schedule. The freedom to donate our time to others in need. The freedom to pick up and move anywhere and not have to worry about school districts. The freedom to make our bucket list a priority. The freedom to take as many honeymoons as we please. The freedom to sleep in. The freedom to make a few bad decisions because a little one isn't depending on us to make the right ones. The freedom to cook for two. The freedom to work incredibly hard in our careers. The freedom to resign from a job we may not be satisfied with. The freedom to have hobbies. The freedom to help care for our nieces, nephews and our friends' children. The freedom to put our marriage above all else.
A Canadian woman named Monica Zeniuk captured it quite well when she told a reporter in September, "The benefits of not having children are in the driveway, in our closet and stamped on our passports." Some could say our lifestyle is a phase, however, I think it defines us. I believe my husband and I are happily married because we both enjoy new experiences, travel and spontaneity with each other. And we agree on this incredibly significant issue. I don't believe in love at first sight or even soul mates. I do believe that if two people 1) get along and enjoy being with each other most of the time, 2) have physical chemistry, 3) share some -- not all -- interests and life goals, 4) communicate well, and 5) have limited outside stresses on their relationship, their marriage will most likely succeed. Knock on wood.
My husband and I have decided that children would be a joy but also a stress for the rest of our lives and that we just aren't excited to experience parenthood -- so why do it? It sounds selfish, but having a baby we aren't 110 percent excited about is more selfish in my book. We know in our hearts that it's healthy to be honest with ourselves about a decision that will change our lives like no other has.
So here is yet another reaction we've heard too many times: "Who will take care of you when you are old?" I deeply hope that people are not having kids to make sure someone takes care of them when they are senile. Why not take the money from the college education you didn't fund and pay a knowledgeable caretaker whose job it is to take care of you? Why burden your children in the prime of their lives with taking you in as you get older and more fragile? Producing a caretaker is the absolute wrong reason to bring new life into the world.
"What about feeding that maternal instinct in every woman?" Well, I definitely have it. I know I will get colorful comments for this, but the truth is our dog, Cowboy, is like our child and he completes our little family. My husband and I have to compromise on discipline, rewards, diet and training. We had to choose the right doggy daycare for him. We have to make sure to go to the veterinarian as needed. It goes without saying that the three of us are featured on the yearly Christmas card. I have even put a band-aid on him... He makes us happy with his affection, we worry about him when we are away, and he gets into trouble every now and then. This is the family that is right for us. We just hope our friends and loved ones can one day accept and respect that.
It was uplifting to find our newfound realization was not unprecedented when I sought out guidance. Jessica Valenti, author of the book Why Have Kids?, explores these notions through research and her own experiences as a new mother. My big takeaway in reading her book was that there is a vast disconnect between the aspiration of parenthood delivering true happiness and the reality of it. Regardless of their sincere love for their children, many new parents found themselves dissatisfied with their lifestyles. Yet for some peculiar reason, it's not quite acceptable to talk about it. To me, this is support that becoming a parent is a choice that should be questioned and significantly weighed so that the ultimate decision is a well-informed one.
I recognize that, although I may not desire my own children, there are many women who desperately do but aren't able to. As far as I know, I am a healthy female in my fertile "prime" and able to have children. As I consider this life decision, I'm also considering helping someone in need through egg donation. It makes me feel quite inspired to think I could change someone else's life for the better in such a monumental way. It may not be the choice for everyone in our shoes, but personally, it is an option my husband and I are researching and considering.
I believe children are a blessing in life, and I could not be happier for loved ones who choose to embark on the incredibly rewarding and challenging journey called parenthood. For some it is their true calling. But for others, myself and my husband included, it isn't. We should not judge, but embrace that couples who choose to be non-parents are merely being honest with themselves rather than embarking on a life-long journey they will not be satisfied with. Don't pity us. Don't question it. If you are our friends and loved ones, be happy for us. Because we are.
This coming from someone who can't wait to start a family, and that's my prerogative.
I just don't have the "mom" gene. I'm missing it somehow. The idea of being a parent through exactly the detail you described above is not appealing to me, nor has it ever been. As a little girl, I never dreamt of becoming a mothers like my younger sisters did.
My husband and I are so happy in our own relationship, traveling, eating, drinking, participating in the art, that we already feel fulfilled with each other and do not need children to complete us.
Its not for everyone, and this article was refreshing to know that there is a hope that others out there are making the same decision we have.
My problem is that I don't need to have a child and suddenly my husband insists to have one. We've been extremely happy since we met 12 years ago and having a child has never been an option. Because my husband is 41 and I'm almost 37, he feels it's time to do it. I think, he has the wrong motivation for having a child and I feel that all the burden will fall on my shoulders. Looks like I have two otions only- agree to have a child even though I don't want it or lose my husband.
Thanks to Norma for that article! I feel I'm not a monster for not wanting a child, as some people might think. Just like her I like to return to my quiet diaper-free world after work. I also like my freedom. I guess, I'm more selfish than other people.
These days the chances of having a defective genetically-damaged child who will remain a mental child forever have grown astronomically and if you have one of these "special needs" children, your life, particularly if you are the mother, will be subsumed forever and totally. One woman I know had a son with Fragile X syndrome, the boy is now a teen, functioning at the level of a two-year-old, cannot dress or feed himself, needs to be diapered --- his mother no longer has a life, it is all going to take care of the mentally retarded son.
First they keep you awake and sleep-deprived and dealing daily with pee and feces, then they grow up to be teenagers who take your car and play horrid music in your house. Then you pay a fortune for them to go off to college where they major in beer bonging and hooking up. Really. Having children is not all it is racked up to be, which may be why fully half of adults say if they had it to do over, they would not have had children.
p.s. Our dogs look after us just fine. We always have 3, about 5 years apart in age. When the oldest dog dies, we grieve for a couple of weeks, then go out and rescue a young dog to add to the pack. Will be doing this until they pry the leash out of my cold, dead hands... ;)
By not writing an entire article on the subject...
+1 to you for profitting of a stigma that I've only seen anecdotally in very few people
On a personal note, I personally believe that choosing whether or not to have children is a personal matter and I can speak on behalf of most parents out there that we do not care whether or not you decide to have children...we're busy...with kids. That being said, the reasons you give for not wanting children: enjoying the quiet home, nights out, fancy cars, etc. are all (IMO) incredibly selfish and childish reasons to decide not to have a child. Peace.
This article is like
"Ohh I don't want to have kids, they will ruin my Mercedes (Wink wink) while I go to my super high paying job in a bustling Metropolis before I come home to my huge expensive home (Wink wink). Ohh did I mention we just came back from Southern France where we sat in an air balloon over wine country"
As someone twice your age with three kids of my own, let me offer two points to ponder:
1) How you think about the world, your life, career, money, children, relationships, etc. will change to some degree throughout your life. Your politics or spiritual beliefs may or may not change much, but many of the priorities in life do change. And that's a good thing. The many experiences awaiting you can't help but change and broaden your perspective.
So be prepared for the changing priorities in life. At 20, you may be content to travel with a backpack and list of hostels. At 40, you may want to stay in a nice hotel and you'll want the money to afford it. You may also want a family. And that's okay, too.
2) Understand that each path you take in life offers unique opportunities. The freedom that comes from having no kids lies down one path. But that path won't contain any of the lifetime of joys, rewards, and yes, the frustrations and stress, of having kids. That all lies down a different path.
Make your choice, whatever it is, and enjoy the journey. I won't be one of those who says you will change your mind, but I will say, that at 20, you have a ways to go before you need to make your mind up about anything.
Have a look at some of the many Childfree forums on the net (thechildfreelife.com is the one I frequent) and you'll find that Childfree people are varied, interesting, passionate people who have only one thing in common - they never wanted kids.
Don't worry. You don't have to worry about changing your mind if you're truly Childfree. Knowing that you're Childfree is like knowing your sexuality, there's no point in denying whatever it might be. Go with it.