Beds are made for sleeping. Bangkok's giant swing, New Zealand's Hobbit holes and Japan's monkey-infested hot springs are made for sexin'!
We've been busy, real busy, nailing down our Top 10 Places to Have Sex in 2013. This year is sexually special because OTP is turning the ripe old age of four and in dog years, that means we're finally old enough to drink. Let's get messy, find something interesting to try to stick it in, realize we've got whiskey dick, then pass out until our parents are thoroughly disappointed in us.
Rhythm and timing got your hump in a rut? Check out this clock tower that jets out of the water like Poseidon's time-keeping erection. Long ago, the people of the surrounding villages got into a dispute about creating this man-made lake, mostly because they didn't want their town to be submerged under water. Well, so much for that one. The clock tower remains the only exposed part of the otherwise sunken village. Three rivers currently drain into Lake Reschen to keep it flowing. Let your main vein be the fourth.
Show these trees what a straight-standing trunk looks like. The limpest trees in the world, Poland's Crooked Forest is somewhat of an anomaly. While many have some mystical theories about why these trees are all hunched over, the book-learnin' types claim this phenomenon was caused by humans, who mechanically altered this patch of forest which caused the trees to bend. We're not so much concerned with explaining their deformities as we are about using them as something interesting to lean against should times get sexy.
Nothing primes you for sex like a hot, steamy outdoor bath. The Jigokudai Hot Springs in Japan will relax your tense bits, improving your circulation to allow blood to easily flow to all the right places. Here, you can sit back, absorb the beautiful Japanese scenery, maybe do some sweet-talking through the steam. The monkeys? Oh, don't mind those guys. Worst case scenario is you'll be picked clean of fleas and ticks while bonding with our not-so-distant relatives.
Normally, you're limited to about two tits per lay (if you don't count your own). How about if we told you there is a way you can increase the boobs per capita exponentially with a trip to Palau? The small island of Eli Malk is home to Jellyfish Lake and taking a dip feels like swimming around in a sea of pulsating tits. Most of these jellies are on a tight daily migration schedule. To cop a feel after sunset, head to the western basin, where they bob around for nutrients for the night.
Add a little romance to your f*ckfest by getting sloppy in Butterfly World. This place is bursting with knee-deep, bushy gardens, wild flowers, tranny bugs (male ladybugs; trust us, that's the proper terminology) and of course, swarms of butterflies. Fill your voyeuristic tendencies by watching these winged-ants emerge from their cocoons. You'll have to keep your butterfly boners at bay until the fall when the biome is fully completed. It'll likely to be overrun by little British kids by then, so keep the cross-pollinating well-hidden and you should be in the clear.
Green Valley Nightclub
When you're done playing with butterflies and jellyfish, bang with the best of them. The Green Valley Nightclub is like the club you see in movies when the cool guy (let's say Benecio Del Toro, circa a few years ago) walks onto a vibrating dance floor, with sweaty chicks bouncing all over the place and strobe-light shots of various, plump and humping body parts follow him as he makes his way to the VIP section. Here, you get all that, plus, instead of the club being just a set in some Hollywood warehouse, this muthafucka's in Brazil! A huge open-air club in the middle of the forest, Green Valley's capacity is in the thousands. As such, grinding up on several special someones at once is the norm.
Known as the structure with the ability to produce the loudest and longest echo in the world, the Hamilton Mausoleum used to be part of an entire palace built by Alexander (not our American homie but the 10th duke of) Hamilton. Alex got the acoustics just right for practicing your pornstar howl, in surround sound. Bring some sort of gagging device if you plan to visit during peak tourist times.
Bangkok's Giant Swing is 21.15 meters (coincidentally, about 69 feet) tall. The swing was previously used in religious ceremonies (until a bunch of people died), but we're positive this thing was built for sex. We're actually unsure of the logistics of sex on a swing, and one this big can't possibly work, but we're confident you can figure it out once you get there. If you can tear yourself away from fantasizing about the powers of the swing, there's a pretty cool temple behind it.
This, friends, is a huge museum of dicks. The biggest, widest, and most diverse assortment of dicks in the universe. They've got big a** whale dicks (150 pounds!), seal dicks, tiny little hamster dicks, and one, ugly pickled human dick. If you're looking to overwhelm your senses with nothing but phallus, this museum will send you into a dick-frenzy. Once you've had your fill of phall, they also have an impressive collection of penis art and items, like lampshades, made from scrotums.
For you hobbit humping types, poke around in New Zealand for a while. Sure the rest of the country is a gorgeous backdrop for sexy pursuits, but if it's hobbits you're after, drive out two hours from Auckland to Peter Jackson's movie set for Hobbit. Here, you'll find 44 hobbit holes filled with horny possibilities. If you're a budding filmmaker, consider shooting Lord of the Thongs to document your trip.
Get your hand out of your pocket; nobody's buying that you're looking for bus tokens. Try your luck at getting laid at some of these places instead.
Written By: Anna Starostinetskaya
Follow Off Track Planet on Twitter: www.twitter.com/offtrackplanet