How To Teach Your Children About Death

Our family dog passed away unexpectedly this week. He was a Siberian Husky named Dimitry Soloviev, and he was love incarnate. My husband's and my grief was great, but far greater was the grief of our children. It suddenly occurred to me that we did not have any children's books dealing with death. Special needs? Of course. All of the holidays? Yes, yes, and then some. But death? Not a single one. After many long conversations regarding death and our family beliefs about the journey of the soul after death, a sweet book with lovable characters would have been so helpful. I wrote a book about Dimitry, called Dimitry and the Moon, but it deals with love, and the great joy of giving love. It doesn't approach saying goodbye or dying.

At our local Barnes and Nobles, I combed the aisles of the children's section looking for just the right book about death. Beyond not being able to find the perfect book about death, I couldn't find a single one regarding this topic. There were a few autumn books, embracing the changing of the season, but even they didn't approach the essence of this season, which is a beautiful kind of death, "Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile." (William Cullen Bryant).

After spending time in India where they parade their dead bodies through the streets on fire in complete acceptance of this holy, wholly natural, and emotional aspect of being alive, it goes without saying that in the United States we have a somewhat less open tolerance for this chapter of being. One might even say that we're still in the closet about the subject. Why are we so tight lipped about this natural process? It is the birth at the beginning and the death at the end that give us this precious in between called living. And it is the beginning and the end that make the living precious, fleeting, and without a moment to waste. The beginning and the end guide us toward love, force us to choose better over worse, because it's temporary. As my friend Steve Ross likes to say, "Life is an apartment, and the lease is running out." An awareness of the end brightens the now, and enlightens the how.

Suffice to say, the only place I could find children's books about death was on the internet, where we keep all shadowy and questionable merchandise in the U.S. I found a beautiful book by one of my favorite authors, Margaret Wise Brown, who penned Goodnight Moon, among many other lovely, melodic stories, called The Dead Bird. In it, a group of children find a bird who has just died. They give the little bird a burial and bring it flowers. Among other gifts, this book gave my children the feeling that they were not the only ones dealing with death. The more we talked about it, the more we looked at the subject of death, the easier it became to heal and say our farewells.

 

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Comments

[DaveInPA]

Another excellent essay.

The loss of a loved one is so difficult even for adults, let alone children. There is always that undeserved feeling of abandonment. Why did he or she go away?

Keep up the good work Olivia!

[vegbooks]

Thanks for writing on this topic. The loss of a family member -- human, canine, or feline -- can affect everyone, especially children.

I'm writing a review about the book "Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant on my blog vegbooks.w­ordpress.c­om. It's a children's book that helped my daughter and me when we lost our beloved cat Midge.

I will look for The Dead Bird ... it sounds like another book that might speak to children who care about animals.

[shelleybean]

Another great book is Robert Munsch's THE LIGHTHOUSE -- especially if a grandparent has died.

[PlayTOE]

Death is a whole lot easier to deal with if you don't scare the bejesus out of kids with idiot stories of eternal souls and eternity in hell.

We have plenty of evidence showing us that the god is a myth, neither heaven nor hell exist, and there is no such thing as an eternal soul.

Children easily understand that life begins, at birth, and ends at death. They are ok with the simple and true explanation.

[seawolf77]

No one here gets out alive. The thing I wish I had known about death is this : Whatever decision you make in life, especially the big ones, should be couched in this : How are you going to feel all those years later on your death bed about whatever it is you are deciding. People would lead far richer lives if they weighed life's hard choices on the scale of death.

[livesimply]

The reason we have a difficult time explaining death to children is because we, as a culture, have a difficult time acknowledging that it is a part of life for us all. We celebrate youth and forget the wisdom of the aged and ages.

[mia8485]

Well said.

[uberman]

I am sorry that your baby has to face so much so young. A web sight I like has studied hundreds of the so called 'Life after Life' events and compiled them. Its called: www.near-death.com. It has some experiances of children who came close to dying but lived to share their experiances. Their stories may be a comfort to you and help you in talking to your daughter, but I suspect that there is little she does not know on a deeper level of being. I do know that, despite the pain of the moment, all will be well, and all IS well. Peace to you and your family. I wish you nothing but love.

[csmcmillion]

"Everyone dies, no exceptions and that includes you"

How hard was that?

[livesimply]

Pretty easy if you're not looking at it around the corner from cancer or the like.

[DonCosenza]

Children's books? There's not many good adult books on the subject either.

[FloridaEvans]

I have no idea how you can find it, but there was an excellent, simply excellent ABC pilot made in 1990 called "Moe's World," created and executive produced by (the amazing if I say so myself) Kevin Rodney Sullivan. The series itself dealt with a kid who was killed in a car accident, who comes back to his neighborhood as the spiritual guide/heart and soul of his community; in particular, giving advice to his mom (on dating) and his little brother (on basketball and finding your own "thing"). But the most wonderful story is within that, in the form of a 3-D animated bedtime story Moe tells his little brother through his dreams about Remo and Lucy, a pair of beautiful blue birds who fly and fly and have fun all day until one of them accidentally flies through a mysterious window. It's a great story, based on an African folk tale that Kevin used to tell his daughter at bedtime and well worth seeking out - I recently saw it in a collection of international children's animated stories on DVD.

In the end, Moe is boogie-ing on a rainbow with Remo, Lucy and and all of his friends to Heavy D's "We Got our Own Thing." Makes you cheer, dance and cry all at the same time. Ba-diddly-­diddly-did­dly-diddly­-diddly-de­e, indeed.

[DeeDubya]

There's a good book called "Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals" by Amanda Mccall and Ben Schwartz

One great purpose served by pets is teaching children about death. People who shield their children from the death of a pet will realize their mistake when grandma dies. For it's way easier to talk about Fluffy's passing than that of a human loved one.

Even a goldfish will do.

[edgarcaycedoc]

You are so right. In 1993 our three youngest children had to learn about death the hard way. Our son, their 18 year old brother was killed in an accident. We just charted our course as best we could. "Flying Blind" to use an aeronautical term, is not the best way to teach your children about death.

[livesimply]

After having both my parents die very young and unexpectedly, I have found that our society is ill-equipped in general to deal with death.

[minimalist syntax]

When I read "Love You Forever" by Munsch to my daughter who was 4 at the time, she asked me: "Oh, Mommy, are *you* going to die?" (since the mother in the story dies). We talk about it for a little while. I told her I would but I didn't expect it to happen in the near future. And we talked a little more. and then she caught her breath, very loud, because she had just made a generalization. "Oh, Mommy," she asked, "does that mean I am going to die, too?" That book gave a great opening to our conversation.

[oldandintheway1]

I think Adults need to learn how to handle death. We herein America don't handle death well AT ALL.
Just look at how we handle almost ANY celebrity death.

[BlueZoo]

I could not agree with you more! Leo Buscaglia wrote a wonderful book on this subject and he cited the fact that in another time, we lived with our parents, grandparents and assorted relatives all together in a home and we saw life and death play out, with children being born and old people dying. We graduated to that American "dream" of everybody owning their own home and we lost touch with that cycle of life. Hells bells! There are parents today who refuse to bring their children to the funerals of relatives and/or close friends because they don't want their children experiencing sadness! How inane! Children have the most wondrous capacity of understanding things on their own level. Most will attend a funeral and then go play outside with their friends but the parents' own fear is projected on them and they feel they must act differently than they feel like doing. Until we, the adults, get a grip on our own ability to deal with death, we cannot expect our children to do so!

[Ivriniel]

I would suggest I found a Dead Bird: A Kid's Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death by Jan Thornhill.

http://www.janthornhill.com/dead-bird.html