Top 10 Most Useless Items of Crapola
Once upon a time, things were made to serve a purpose. Consider the light bulb, the compass, and the cardiac pacemaker. No doubt necessity was once the mother of invention.
Fast forward to the present. What's happened? It seems that everywhere I go, I'm bombarded with completely useless and unnecessary stuff. Yesterday, someone tried to sell me a 14-inch pencil--the "Jumbo Jotter." I'll admit I was tempted, and I imagined myself sauntering into Monday's 3:00 meeting, only to whip out my enormous pencil and start taking notes like it was just another day at the office. My colleagues would laugh, we'd all have a good chuckle, but then some persnickety associate would point out the obvious: I had wasted $9.95 and a tree in Paraguay for a D-list joke.
The problem with useless products is threefold. First, they squander natural resources (energy, raw materials, mineral deposits and infomercial star Anthony Sullivan's precious time). Secondly, they clog up landfills and, thirdly, they throw us into a Samsara-like cycle of never ending consumption.
Take for example, the Toastmaster Electric Can Opener - Model TCO2 (white). Yes, of course this gadget could be a godsend for the arthritic and handicapped. For the rest of us, however, it's just another gateway to misery.
1. Lift blade assembly.
2. Place can against positioning bar guide and metal wheel.
3. Press button until can opening process is complete.
We press the button and eat our spam with little worry. Then the tragedy sets in. A few weeks go by and a rubber tire forms around our recently slim midsection. A double chin appears. Is that arm flab? Manual can opening burns calories. The lack of physical activity has atrophied our muscles.
Hence useless gadget number two: the Sauna Belt (note this product was recently recalled for safety reasons). This girdle of a device claims to heat the belly, increasing body temperature, so to literally melt away excess pounds. As it happens, the only thing the Sauna Belt is really good for is repelling members of the opposite sex and scorching its clientele. Burned and fat, what are we to do? Sharper Image's personal air conditioner provides comfort in times of distress. Just place the battery operated metal collar around your neck and you'll enjoy the blissful blow of cool air and water vapor on your face.
My point is that it never ends. As we're buying up all of this "stuff," we're wasting money, polluting the earth and adding another piece of junk to our already overcrowded lives. To offset the havoc we purchase yet another useless product and on and on it goes.
Yes, it's a cruel cruel world out there. And if for a moment a gigantic pencil, fuzzy toilet seat cover or fat burning belt will make it seem all the more bearable, then purchase away. But at least try to buy used.
Behold the gallery . . .
Top Ten Most Useless and Unnecessary Pieces of Crap
The Auto-Adjusting Wrench
Put the monkey wrench to shame. No need to sweat and waste your energy spinning the thumbwheel manually. Instead, just press "power" and the Auto-Adjusting Wrench will mechanically close in on that nut like a python closing in on its prey. Of course, once adjusted you'll have to turn the wrench yourself, but at least you got the hard part out of the way.
The Banana Holder
Not to be confused with the "Banana Hammock." Seriously though, what happens when you are down to one banana? How does that Banana stay safe?
Oh, of course! Silly me! Just put it in a Plastic Banana Guard.
The Plastic Banana Guard
The Battery-Powered Spinning Bottle
Jeez, kids today! They have it so easy. Back in my day (insert rambling aged voice here) we actually had to rotate the bottle. Can you imagine? Whirling it by hand to facilitate a painful make-out session or seven minutes in heaven. What torture. We really were living in the dark ages.
The Fuzzy Toilet Seat Cover
Aside from serving absolutely no purpose whatsoever, the furry toilet seat is gross. I mean, why on earth would I want a carpet on my toilet? I don't want to get into graphic detail here, but stray tagnuts and winnets . . . before you know it you've got a dingleberry garden.
The Paper Weight
If by divine intervention a gust of wind blazeth through your windowless cubicle, be sure to protect thy papers with a 4 ounce paperweight.
The Mechanized Egg Cracker
The line of crap destined to fill up your kitchen is seemingly endless. Exhibit A: the egg cracker, a plastic device with which you . . . crack an egg. God forbid we need to knock on the side of a bowl. How, one wonders, has humanity ever survived without a mechanized egg cracker?
The Baby Wipes Warmer
The baby industry capitalizes on the deepest fears of new and nervous parents. Certainly your baby will be uncomfortable, unhappy and will hate you for life if you do not wipe its bum with a warm wipey. This particular model ensures that it won't dehydrate the wipes, "as leading wipe warmers tend to do." You know what else won't dry out the wipes? Not using a wipe warmer.
The Melon Wedger
Need I point out that most kitchens have a knife?
The Leaf Blower
What good is a rake when you can happily puff leaves into your neighbor's yard with a gas powered leaf blower? Yeah, blowers hemorrhage fossil fuel, but then again nothing's more satisfying than chasing down that last recalcitrant leaf and blasting it into oblivion.
Follow Olivia Zaleski on Twitter: www.twitter.com/oliviazaleski
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Hehe...I enjoyed this post! Thanks for the laughs.
Some may disagree, but I've always found electric car windows not only completely useless but a serious waste of energy - just another thing to break down. The logical extension of the electric can opener, power windows really take the sweat out of turning a crank 4 or 5 times!
electric car windows has also created a generation gap in "hand signaling"
try doing the "roll down your window" hand/arm circle rotation action to the person in the car next to you...if he/she is younger....they'll look at you like "wtf is that weirdo doing??"
it happened to me the other day when i was trying to inform a teen driver his trunk was open and i got a blank stare...
fyi...the new hand signal is to use your index finger...point it down like you're trying to open your window...seriously when i did that signal...he understood!
how are you going to talk on the phone, text message on your blackberry, eat fast food, drive and roll down the window at the same time?
No, power windows were created because many of our fat Americans cant reach their chubby little arms across the huge Cadillac to roll down the windows. That , and to be able to litter out of both sides of the car.
to macmets:
Automatic window buttons are essential. There is absolutely nothing more frustrating that to be speeding down the highway and realize that one of the kids left a rear or passenger window down ever so slightly so that it creates an intolerable sound. What are you supposed to do, get off the highway just to roll up a window? Try a dangerous reach over maneuver while swerving at top speed? No, I'd much rather have a nice little button to press. The same can be said for when you suddenly need some fresh air in the car and having one window open with no flow won't suffice.
"What are you supposed to do, get off the highway just to roll up a window?"
"What are you supposed to do, get off the highway just to roll up a window?" Quick answer,.... YES, you are supposed to have to. *for full disclosure - I have a car with power nothing and a manual transmission,.... Jeepers! How have I survived!*
Remember Ronco's Patty Stacker back in the '70s? (For people who want to make hamburger patties without actually getting their fingers on the meat.)
The " Plastic Banana Guard" cracked me up. :D
I thought it was a sex toy. In fact, I'm still not convinced that thing is meant for bananas. Since when are all bananas the same size and shape?
I definitely need one of these.
Are you kidding? Imagine the hours of research that went into studying the curve, length and width of the average banana. Masters & Johnson did that too.
Does it come with an instruction manual... in four languages?
I don't know how often Olivia turns wrenches, but as a Biomedical Technician who uses hand tools on a daily basis I think that there may be room in this world for a good auto adjusting wrench.
Really... an adjusting wrench for an auto?
HuffPost's Pick
OK, I agree with all of them except one. . . .the baby wipe warmer. Sorry, but when you have a new born you try not to agitate them with a cold wipe on their bum. The wipes get really cold (especially when you conserve oil in the winter and keep the heat down). It's not really for the baby, but for the mother's sanity to keep the little one from making every diaper change difficult. Also, when you buying renewable electricity you should be able to use electricity without getting ridiculed for it.
Except that their warm, dark, dampness have created the perfect environment for bacterial growth. Have fun infecting your baby's nethers with an awesome skin condition! Read any parenting magazine and you will find this information. Plain and simple its not good.
So warm them in your hands. This has worked well for me with 2 babies. And no waste of the 20 or 10 wipes at the bottom of the box.
A relative of mine who's into cooking decried all these kitchen 'gadgets', she said the best gadget for the kitchen is a set of good knives.
The best gadget for the kitchen is ONE good knife. Only in rare exceptions do you ever need any of the many insane knives that people with disposable incomes stock their kitchens with. Ask any professional cook how many knives they use in a typical day and you are going to hear them say either only one, or pretty much only one with rare exceptions. On a side note, never touch that cook's knife, if you value your life. They get rather attached.
I love the mysterious kitchen gadgets, especially the quite artistic whisks and little curly whippers-- not that I ever use them, but just having them sit around in a tall crock fools people into thinking I must be a good cook. Has anybody seen the potato bakers....those oval -shaped wire things with 6 or 8 long nails sticking up at right angles to the base (they look like primitive torture devices)? A friend got one for a shower gift, and she quickly regifted so she would learn for what she ought to be thanking the person who gave it to her. Tuned out that lucky recipient didn't know what it was either.
A knife is not a gadget. I have never seen a store display of gadgets that included knives!
I never heard of some ot these.
ha ha
Olivia, the writer of this blog,is really funny and smart.
She's kind of a Modern day Dada-ist. The Da-Da-ists wrote nonsense and made art as nonsense after the non-sensial catastrophe and slaughter of World War 1, with unimaginable scores of millions left dead.
Today, we have wars still ( too bad for sure, as they are always horrific). Yet, the environmental catastrophe ahead for the entire planet Earth is going to make all wars from all historic time seem small in impact , comparitively speaking. WE GOTTA' STOP MANUFACTURING AND BUYING ALL THIS PLASTIC CRAPOLA. Rage against it! JUST DON'T EVER BUY IT. Not even for your best friend's bridal shower, birthday or children's party. JUST CUT THE CRAP OUT. Live free instead and let's keep the planet sustainable for future generations forever and ever. Amen.
Alton Brown has raged against this sort of thing on nearly every show he does on Food TV. Truly useful kitchen gadgets should be multi-taskers, he says. Otherwise, you're taking up valuable storage space in your kitchen and cluttering it up to the point where you can't find anything you actually need. I couldn't agree more.
Alton is the best!
Hilarious! I totally love the battery-powered bottle spinner. Who could survive adolescence without that?!
LOL!
plastic banana guard - looks like an adult novelty...
fuzzy toilet seat cover - remind me to never use the toilet at your house...
baby wipes warmer - can I send a fax with that thing? looks like it...
LOL
Whoops!
I thought from the title of this blog, that it was a political article, speaking to the Bu$h, Cheney administration and cabinet. Excuse me, sorry.
Sadly I have to take issue with the banana hanger being on the list. It actually serves a purpose. When bananas and other fruit ripen, they release ethylene gas, which acts as a sort of message to their neighboring fruit to start ripening as well. By hanging bananas you prevent the accumulation of this chemical and keep the fruit from becoming over-ripe for longer. In terms of environmental foot print, the banana hanger keeps me from having to make 2-3 trips to the grocery store every week to buy bananas, I can buy them on Sunday and they are still good a week later.
All good and all accurate, but honestly, I think I'd have to include on the Useless Crapola List any and all electric plug-in air fresheners. Besides their having lovely artificial scents such as, Lavender Purge, Floor Cleaner Mint, and Cherry Urinal Block, they quadruple their miserable carbon footprint every day that some feeble minded scrapbooker leaves one of the damn things plugged into a wall socket.
"feeble minded scrapbooker" . . . I'm laughing out loud.
Hey, don't get me started again on the crap quotient of scrapbooking guys or the next thing you'll know my eyeballs will be rolling wildly around in my skull as I rant on about such idiocies as the trendy young morons on TV who swill Bailey's and the knuckleheads who rush to buy Charmin toilet tissue because of the crappingly cute cartoon bears!
You beat me to my pet peeve but I'll be recycling "feeble minded scrapbooker" for sure :)
Not only are they useless, but in recents months they have been linked to several house fires. It seems the little sliver of stink gets really hot and IGNITES. Talk about the rule of unintended consequences.....Yikes.
Not to mention that the "fragrance" those things emit are really just a combination of chemicals, most of which are hazardous to your health and will probably give you cancer someday. I'd rather just open a window myself.
Don't forget the electric toothbrush. It liberated us from the agony of having to heave that two-ounce piece of plastic back and forth. On a more serious note, however, anyone in America who questions the wisdom of flooding the market with frivolous and environmentally destructive products will immediately be branded a socialist by conservatives, so be prepared to labeled a Red.
My mouth feels cleaner when I use an electric. My friends and I have debated whether this is perception or actually the case. It's like when I use that shitty Tom's of Maine toothpaste that doesn't taste like toothpaste. It doesn't leave that minty freshness that makes me think my mouth is clean, though I'm sure it doesn't do any less of a job. Regardless, my spinbrush seems to do wonders, and another cavity-free year has me in no rush to change. Especially with rechargeable batteries.
Yeah. Like all the lazy dental hygienists that use mechanical brushes! Wait, maybe they know something we don't?
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