What NOT to do on Earth Day

Earth Day is tomorrow. I could give you a song and dance about what you should do (install CFLS, bring own bag to grocery store, move to a wind-powered Ashram), but I'll spare the harangue. Instead, here's a list of what not to do on Earth Day. Sure, you won't be saving the planet, but you won't be doing anything offensively detrimental either--and that's better than most Americans.

1. Use your leaf blower to dust off the driveway.

I know those pine needles really add up and look messy, but try to restrain yourself . . .

Photo courtesy leaf-blowers.com aka mostdestructiveleastnecessary.com

Smart! Leaf blowing the forest floor.

2. Drink FIJI Water . . . unless you actually live in FIJI.

Sure, filling a container ship full of water then pushing that ship full of water through the water--half way around the world--makes sense, but hey, "It's labeled Fiji because it's not bottled in Cleveland".

3. Torch a couple luxury homes in the swank Seattle suburb of Woodinville.

Nice work you "eco-terrorists." Sure are giving us eco-folks a great name and credibility to boot.

4. Feed a cow beans.

5. Make a donation to "Global Warming is Bogus."

6. Hold your breath . . . all day.

Holding your breath will certainly cut down on CO2 emissions. Good thinking! But, you will also die. And though one less person would be good for the planet, nobody really wants you to die.

7. Buy a polar bear fur coat.

Photo courtesy "Most Hideous in 1987"

8. Put a " I <3 pollution" sticker on your car.

Bonus Points: car is Hummer H2.

9. Bundle up a large wad of toilet paper and double flush.

Photo courtesy funfunnystuff.com

10. Do nothing at all.

Follow Olivia Zaleski on Twitter: www.twitter.com/oliviazaleski

Comments

[ohiomark]

Many of the predictions from the first Earth Day never came true. Among them was the "population bomb" and "global cooling".

It just goes to show that the "experts" don't always get it right. What makes us think that they are right now?

Taking good care of the earth is a good idea. I like clean air and water too. Just stop telling me that my SUV is raising the temperature of the earth, because it's not and nobody has yet to prove that it is.

Also, stop telling me that higher taxes and bigger government will bring the temperature back down.

It won't!!

[RedWolverine]

I'm cutting down a tree today to add to my carbon debits.

[MNCurler]

I'm gonna fire up every gas operated power tool I have and then go for a ride in my full sized pick up truck.

[MysticInd]

Loved this! thanks.

[rikkirighteous]

For God's sakes, don't have sex!

Might result in evil people who could wound Mother Ghia.

Do you ever wonder what the underlying theme of most environmental issues is? Don't wonder. It's a hatred of people. Ever wonder where that comes from?

[garbovatwins]

Make tomorrow every day of your lives. Heal your world as if your very existence depended upon it, for it does. Your world is speaking to you, listen to it.

[enilorac]

Oh my gosh. this is Olivia Z's best blog EVER. As a piece of writing it' so simply true and an eco- writing example of the power of "Less is More" and also as a topic all about for EarthDay what makes sense, again "Less Is More". Very clever indeed. I roared with laughter all by myself in my office when I scrolled down to the farting cow. And glad to see she's gone after leaf blowers again. They are more eco unfriendly than farting cows. Leaf blowers weren't even around until 20 years or so ago and people just had messy yards ( really nice for the little insects etc. who are needed so the birdies can feed etc.) or they used a rake, instead of going to huff and puff at a gymn. Folks with arthritis just had to get help or adjust how they organized their yards or live more simply by adaptation. It certainly isn't any better today, now that the horrible roar of leafblowers have replaced the sounds of chirping birds or just the peaceful gong of Nature.
Happy Earth Day Everyone. Remembe " Less is More".

[MissingAmerica]

I find it ironic that we are talking about saving the earth while Bush is blowing it up.

[teasley]

Which Earth do you live on that Bush has blown up?

[HGPilot]

#3:
Those homes in Woodinville were fairly expensive and had been sitting unsold in the year since they opened as part of the annual "Street of Dreams" home show. While the arson may certainly have been the work of so-called eco-terrorists, there were other people with motive to have the houses burn. There was a case in Maryland a couple years ago that was similar to this, and it turned out that the builder torched the home himself and tried to blame it on the ELF.

[pakaal]

Don't burn the rich folks' homes! Then we won't know where to go to find 'em when we need to use 'em for food. Yeah, that's right. Eat the rich.

[jvarga]

Hah, it took me a minute to realize what the cow picture is from. The atom heart mother album cover?

[luziannagirl]

Or, attend a Bush photo-op/rally for NAFTA in New Orleans.

This guy just cannot be embarrassed. How can he show his face south of Lake Pontchartrain is beyond me.

[LittleMarymoonshine]

Olivia,
Can you please stop promoting compact fluorescent light bulbs, or a least do a little research?
Many people, like me, can't tolerate them. They literally make my life a living hell, triggering temporary loss of vision and migraine. For those with epilepsy, they can trigger a seizure. They are also very toxic, and not many people dispose of them correctly. The companies who produce them say that these problems are minor/have been addressed. They have not. I can't be in any room where these are installed.
Feel free to email me at [e-mail]