09/29/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Six Easy Ways to End the Conflict in the Middle East

The world media is in a bizarre race these days.

Everyone wants to get as many details as possible on President Obama's new plan
to end the conflict in the Middle East. But let's face it - we all know the drill by heart.
We shall experience an optimistic vibe all around, then a summit conference full of nice photo ops of smiling leaders. A week later, they will come out of the summit with a short statement of goodwill, and a long list of excuses to explain why, once again, the conflict cannot be solved.

 Maybe it's time to think outside the box. Maybe it's about time to stop counting on our leaders, and end this fiasco in a different way. Here are six easy ways to end the conflict in the Middle East:  

The Judgment of Solomon - Obama sits
with the Israelis, the Palestinians and a map. Suddenly he gets up and shouts to Rahm Emanuel, "Bring me my biggest sword, and I shall hew this country in half. Each of you shall receive a half." The first side to cry out and give up will win the land, as they have proven they
love it more. The problem with this idea is that the Jews will have an unfair advantage -- after all, they already know the story, and besides, I'm not sure Obama owns a sword.

Heads or Tails – of course the matter is much too serious to solve
with a simple coin toss. We will have to use real heads and tails. All we need
is a suicide bomber on a horse . The problem with this method is that Jordan will object. They know that if the Palestinians lose, they might suggest "Double or Nothing".

  Reality Show – Harness the ancient wisdom of American TV. Produce the biggest reality show ever. Even if it sucks, it will be better than NBC’s  fall schedule.  We can make it
"Big Brother" style, but with 10 million participants. Each week, viewers from around the world will eliminate one resident. Granted, the show will end in 2099, but at least that way we know for sure it actually will end.

  The Basketball System – Just like in basketball the land will go to whoever catches it first. All we need is one Iranian A-bomb to lift it up.

  I Never – Trust our leaders to negotiate, but make them do it in a bar. Everyone sits around the table. One leader goes first, making a true statement that starts with "I never...” For example, "I never agreed
to joint sovereignty  in Jerusalem". Then, any leader who agrees with what has just been said -- drinks. After nine or ten rounds, everyone will at least have a much better attitude. An additional a twist could be to not allow anybody to go to the rest room before there is a signed agreement. This is going to be the first peace treaty sponsored by Budweiser. The heading will read: I love you, dude!

 Violence – The good
old-fashioned way, it's worked for so many decades, why stop now? Only this time instead of sending troops/terrorists and killing hundreds, let's give the leaders the opportunity to fight for their own life in the ring. At the end of that fight either we will have a arbitrament or we will get rid of leaders who aren't strong enough. it's a win-win situation.

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