02/06/2012 07:41 pm ET Updated Apr 07, 2012

You Are Not Your Breakup

Was Demi Moore's need to be hospitalized recently due to her breakup with Ashton Kutcher? Some reports suggest that she was "exhausted" and "stressed over the end of her marriage." However, allegations abound that substance abuse and an eating disorder could be the reason why paramedics came to her home and rushed her to the hospital.

Ending a marriage is right up there with death when it comes to traumatic events in one's life. If separating from someone you love doesn't get addressed properly, it can lead to feelings that your life isn't worth living without that person -- making you think you want to die. I'm not suggesting that Demi doesn't want to live, but when someone loses a tremendous amount of weight like she has in such a short time -- which, if gone untreated, can be life threatening -- it's a big red flag that severe depression or other psychological problems have set in. There is something deeper going on inside her, other than just the heartache of a breakup. Demi doesn't know that she is not her breakup.

If your identity is tied up or enmeshed in another person and your sense of "self" is only connected to them, then it becomes difficult to see yourself as a separate entity. Not having a whole, healthy sense of one's own identity can make you feel that your entire world is caving in, and you have nothing secure to hold on to that makes you feel safe.

In an interview in the February issue of Harper's Bazaar magazine, Demi alludes to that very feeling when talking about what scares her. "For me," she says, "It's not just about reaching my potential in terms of my career. It goes more to the idea of being whole, of loving oneself. And I think there is no way to reach your fullest potential if you don't really find the love of yourself. I would say what scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not lovable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me."

Those thoughts are very honest and revealing. If Demi believes that she's "unlovable," or "not worthy of being loved" -- which are feelings that are formed by previous negative experiences -- then a traumatic event like an end of a marriage can trigger those buried, unresolved thoughts -- confirming them. She's left with her worst fears come true.

Demi's a smart, powerful woman -- a self-described "warrior." She is right when she says, "There is no way to reach your fullest potential if you don't really find the love of yourself."

Demi, you only will reach your fullest potential by finding a love of yourself, of being whole. You don't have to find acceptance of yourself in the reflection of someone else. You can rise like a Phoenix from this experience because you are not your breakup. You are your own woman who loved a man you merged with. Now you must find your true self, separate from him, and fly.