Tired of boring, old, predictable Kris Kringle? Well, this year you can pick a more current version of Santa to better suit your holiday needs:
This skinny-jeans-wearing Santa can be easily lured by Instagram pictures of milk and cookies. Wait for him by your bedroom window, since there's no chance he'll climb down the chimney and ruin his outfit, and the main door is too mainstream for him.
Arriving with his trusted new reindeers -- Twerker and Selfie, this Santa will bring you such ironic gifts as a Hanukkah Menorah, a stocking filled with cronuts or a DVD box set of the first season of Bored to Death signed by a girl who knows someone who was an extra on it once.
Don't hold your breath for this dark eyeliner, dressed-in-black Santa. He probably won't stop by any house this christmas, since every single person on earth made his naughty list. After all, he doesn't really believe anything could actually turn out nice.
Emo Santa could be found in smoke-filled bars, singing a dark version of "Let it Snow" titled "Let it snow in an Eternal Winter," or at home watching Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. If it's a matter of life and death, you might find him in the phone book under "Santa Ellen Poe."
If you're planning on having your kid sit on Santa's lap at the mall this year, this Santa is not the right choice. First, no one should sit on his lap since he hadn't showered in months. Second, you'll definitely not find him at the mall. He doesn't believe in commercialism, and hates what this holiday has become.
He'll gladly eat your milk and cookies, being in a state of constant munchies. But don't expect any presents. Hippie Santa has hated Christmas since he it marked the end of the summer of love.
Replacing his sleigh with a hand made TARDIS, this geeky Santa has watched enough episodes of Sherlock to know exactly how to deduct whether you've been naughty or nice. Since he's slightly socially impaired, geeky Santa will not enter your house right away. But after a few weeks talking on Facebook about Dan Harmon's return to Community, he'll trust you enough to climb down your chimney and fill your stockings with awesome gifts such as a Daenerys Targaryen bobblehead, a Firefly t-shirt or a script he wrote for a Star Trek Christmas special.
Ho ho ho! He'll eat your brain. Less Santa and more Grinch, this holiday nightmare is also known as "The Last Noel" or "Feliz Navi-dead." Walking very slow towards your house, he will deck the halls with your blood, and show you a truly un-holy night. When this Zombie Santa is coming to town, you could trust you won't be having no merry little Christmas.
(Illustrated by: Tom Trager)