THE BLOG
10/17/2013 03:55 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

7 Ways to Cheat God

God is everywhere. He is all seeing and all knowing. He can see your browser history, too. So unless you're an atheist, there's no real way to hide. But there are a few ways you can cheat.

1. Fast on Yom Kippur
If you're Jewish, cheating god is pretty easy. All you have to do is wait for Yom Kippur, the day of Jewish atonement. You fast for 25 hours and repent all the horrible things you did the past year. Put down your breakfast burrito, sleep as much as you can, and let the hours fly by. When it ends, you can go straight to McDonald's, gobble down a couple of Big Macs and start working on what you'll have repent next year.
Extra Cheat: You can use the fast to get out of the juice cleanse your girlfriend wants you to do.

2. Go to Confession
For Catholics, you don't even have to wait for a certain day of the year. On any given Sunday you can head down to the church, enter the confession box and have a little one on one with your priest. Tell him all about what you did, say a couple of Hail Marys and god will be none the wiser. Repeat monthly.
Extra Cheat: Make sure your priest isn't in to sex with young boys. That might not count.

3. Give a Bum a Dollar
God is all about good deeds. A random act of kindness could land you a big score with the almighty. Since god sees all, he would definitely see you donating your hard earned cash to a less fortunate soul. But just to be safe, when you do hand in your dollar, say "Here you go, bum" as loudly as you can, so the big guy in the sky could hear. Make it clear -- "This is my dollar, which I am giving to you". Don't let it go unnoticed!
Extra Cheat: Write that down as 'Charity Work' on your resume, too.

4. Write a Christian Rock Song
God loves to be prayed to, but that takes too much time out of your life. Instead, you could write and publish a single christian rock song. They're basically love songs addressed to the holy spirit.
That way, whenever god wants to listen to you praise him, he could just turn on youtube and watch. You won't have to repeatedly pray every day. Plus, music is much more enjoyable for both of you.
Extra cheat: record a b-side about Buddha, just to cover all options.

5. Abbreviate
The third commandment is to not say the lord's name in vain. But we all do that all the time. This is why they invented abbreviations. Next time you want to curse, don't say "God Damn it". Abbreviate to "G-D". Example: "Who do I have to blow around here to get a G-D Cronut"? Just like your 4-year-old kid, god will never figure out what you really mean.
Extra Cheat: If you're in a network sitcom, you can just let standards and practices bleep you.

6. Say Grace
This is the easiest and fastest way you can cheat god into thinking you're religious. You don't have to go to church, you don't have to be nice to anyone. You don't even have to get out of you chair. Just say a few words before you stuff that turkey sandwich into your mouth and you're in the clear with the big guy upstairs. God will write it off as a sufficient prayer because he's too busy eating a heavenly taco himself.
Extra Cheat: If you don't brush your teeth, last night's grace still counts today.

7. Kill in his Name
"Thou Shalt Not Kill" is pretty high up in the ten commandments, but if you simply can't resist, there is a good way to cheat god on this one. Simply kill in his name. God loves that. Sure, he might give you a small punishment just to keep up appearances, but you will be greatly rewarded in the next life, probably with a bunch of virgins.
Extra Cheat: To ease your guilt of killing, simply think of yourself as the religious version of Dexter. But not like the Colin Hanks version. That was bad.

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