THE BLOG
02/03/2014 01:06 pm ET | Updated Apr 02, 2014

Click Bait Job Interview

Thank you so much for considering me for this job. I'm going to tell the 10 best reasons to hire me without getting out of your chair. To be honest, I'm perfect for this job. I have experience, I'm loyal and I'm going to work harder than anyone else. I actually made this list of 15 of your employees that I would be better than. Check it out. I added animated gifs of each of them failing at their job.

If you don't hire me, the world might end. It sounds like an exaggeration, but If you open my CV file and read it, you'll understand. Go ahead, open it. Thank you. As you can see, I've listed the five best qualities to possess in order to land a job, and I possess them all.

I also took the liberty of researching your sales over the last year, and I have a surefire way to increase your sales by 25 percent. You want to hear it? Hire me, and I'll tell you everything. Still not convinced? I don't want to over sell myself, but I can change everything you know about business in 30 days.

If you've noticed, I am the first person to arrive at this interview day. That's because I know 19 life hacks to public transportation. I'd love to share them with you if we ever drive to work together. We live pretty close to each other, so I can also show you the best places to get a cronut on your way to work.

I know what you're thinking. "This guy is too confident". In a way, you're right. But the reason you think that is because of what I'm wearing. This suit will land you any job interview -- guaranteed. You're already giving me this job in your head. But I'm not here for that job. I'm here for a different job. I want to be your assistant. I know, you're not hiring an assistant right now. But I'll tell you seven reasons you should replace your assistant. The number one reason is -- he's not me.

I can see you're thinking about how hard it's going to be to fire Alan and giving me his job. But I have the absolute best ways to deliver bad news. If you want, I'll do it for you. That's what I'm here for -- to help you do the things you don't want to do. Still think I'm not the right candidate? Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but here are 11 signs that your current assistant is nailing your wife. THIS.

I'm sorry it had to go this way, but it's good that you know. You're heart broken now, but it'll pass. Here are some cute kittens that will brighten your day.

Thank you for hiring me for this job. I promise I'll do my best. This assistant must be seen to be believed.

Oh, and if you don't mind, I'm going to transcribe this interview and put it on my blog, because this is the most amaze-balls job interview that ever happened ever.