THE BLOG
10/07/2013 06:34 pm ET | Updated Jan 23, 2014

Directing the Next VMA Winner

Director: Oh, Mr. Teen idol, I'm so glad you're here. I have a wonderful vision for your next video.

Singer: Great. What did you have in mind?

Director: Picture this: You're standing in front of a leopard print background, wearing a gold track suit under a gold coat. Your face is also covered in gold, and your hair is completely, get this -- GOLD. Remember Sisqo's silver hair in "Thong song"? Well, like that, only gold. Gold is better.

Singer: I was 5 when that video came out.

Director: So you're dancing there, all golden, and 5 completely nude dancers join you. And they all have really big boobs. Like, national geographic big. Suddenly, 5 shirtless fireman march in, carrying their hoses. Real hoses, not their penises. But they ARE holding the hoses at penis level.

Singer: o.k...

Director: Then the firemen start spraying the nude dancers with their hoses. But the twist is, it's not water -- it's golden glitter.

Singer: Of course it is.

Director: So now the girls are naked, but covered in gold. The firemen leave, but their trucks stay in frame. The girls are now climbing the trucks, and dancing on top of them. Now it's about time for the chorus. If I'm not mistaken this is the part where you brought your producer friend to sing some "whoo hoo's" in a high-pitched voice? This is where you begin dancing crazy fast, and start catching on fire.

Singer: Fire?

Director: Luckily you have the gold nude fire girls to put you out. But they hose you down, and only golden glitter comes out! So you keep burning. In order to save you, 5 more girls come in. They are bottomless, and wearing bras with sprinkles.

Singer: Like Katy Perry?

Director: Exactly! To think of it, they should all be Katy Perry lookalikes. I myself will make sure the casting is precise. So the girls start spraying you with water from their knockers, and put you out. But here's the twist- It's not water.

Singer: Is it gold?

Director: No. It's gold. Wait, did you say gold? Never mind, it's gold. So you burn to death, and all the naked girls are twerking over your corpse. But than, rising from your dead body, is an angel version of you. With a jesus halo. Than a giant text appears on the screen, reading "Hashtag GoldAngel". Oh, yeah. Angel-you is completely gold. Except the halo, which is green. You know what? Make the halo gold too. We'll mix it up a little.

Singer: So, that's it?

Director: Pretty much. And it ends with you rising all the way up to the sky, and out of the frame. But than the naked girls just keep on dancing for a full seven minutes after the song is over. And after that, it is revealed that it was all just a video that Bart Simpson was watching on TV.

Singer: I'm gonna have to think about this.

Director: Bart Simpson is gold, right?