Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Orlando Jones Headshot

#Scoregate: No Justice, No Peace

Posted: Updated:

"I want to report a rape," said Kim Novak, the legendary star of Vertigo, Picnic, and other revered classics. "My body of work has been violated by The Artist."

I love Kim Novak for having the guts to say this. When you get high your ideas are genius. I'm not saying Kim Novak was high when she said this. I am saying if you smoke weed and read this you will be able to see the brilliance in her statement. If you don't smoke weed take a meeting with Snoop Dog. The problem with being sober is you ask all the wrong questions like, "How could Novak be violated by The Artist? Novak didn't write the music. Hitchcock didn't write the music. Jimmy Stewart didn't even write the music. The music is public domain. It's been used in other films as score. No laws were broken. No one got violated, blah blah blah."

Sober people, please shut up. You're missing the point. When someone reports a rape you're supposed to grab a pitch fork and attack. That's it. Don't think. Don't analyze. Just get a lynch mob together and go after the rapist, stupid. Lynch mobs don't need to be comprised of Rhodes Scholars. A smart dumb ass is perfect. Smart dumb asses get riled up. They don't think before they speak. They don't make clever statements or ask relevant questions. They don't care about logic or the law. Smart dumb asses simply tear sh*t up. Smart dumb asses are awesome. I am proud to call myself a marginally brilliant twit-like nova monkey. Kim Novak has inspired me to take action and I am not alone. Black people around the globe are outraged at this travesty of justice Novak has fearlessly brought to light.

Parents of students at Beaver Ridge Elementary School in Norcross, Georgia are furious that the score from Vertigo has been disparaged. These parents were previously upset at the school district's response to a racist math word problem. Here's the math problem: "The film The Artist has all white actors. If you add one Black actor (Morgan Freeman) to the film, how many Tea Partiers will go see it?" One confused parent professed, "I'm a Black Tea Party member and I love The Shawshank Redemption. I don't even understand the question."

Jay Z and Beyonce were asked to comment on Scoregate or Novakgate or Vertigogate or whatever we're calling this scandal. A spokesperson for the power couple released the following statement: "Vertigo is a horrible disease affecting millions of people around the globe. Using this devastating disease to promote the film The Artist is plain wrong. On a lighter note, check out Glory ft. Blue Ivy Carter." This love song references Jay Z and Beyonce's newest and greatest creation, their daughter Blue Ivy. However, if you A.) listen closely, B.) play the song backwards and C.) focus on what's important you can hear Jay Z's true message. He raps, "Silently this movie starring George Valentin. Makes me wonder is the arrival of my daughter a dream. Stealing things, Hazanavicius, you wrong for that. That last line don't rhyme with nothing but cat."

Jay Z is not the only celebrity to lend stealth support for a cause. Tim Tebow is the most-followed white Bronco since O.J.'s. The football star lent his muted endorsement to Scoregate by saying, "Touchdown."

You can find me on Facebook.