Getting Caught With Your (Gay) Pants Down

09/04/2007 04:04 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Like most Americans, I'm a sucker for a good bluff but unlike most Americans I rarely fall for the entire con. My third favorite scam is The Emperor's New Clothes. Second place goes to Chris Moneymaker for his "All in" bluff on Sam Farha at the 2003 World Series of Poker. By far the most impressive con operation going is the Republican party's position on homosexuality. It is the gold standard by which all stings should be evaluated.

It's no secret the Republicans hate the gays. They campaign on their heads and blame them for every problem they can't blame on the blacks. They acquired the presidency of our country with a simple strategy: hate on the gays. Yet within the last year two Republican representatives have been caught getting their gay on. Last October Florida congressman Mark Foley was busted trying to sift through the male pages via email. Last week, Idaho Senator Larry Craig got nabbed for attempting the airport George Michael.

Foley was a pervert who prayed on minors so for sure he needed to step down. He blamed his homosexuality on alcoholism and enrolled in rehab. I guess his lawyer didn't tell him it was the messing with minors, not the being gay, that's against the law. As for Craig, I don't get why he was forced to resign. According to the law sex in public is wrong but I'm positive an overwhelming majority of sexually active Americans have had some form of intercourse in public... and enjoyed it. So why all the outrage over a no-harm no-foul misdemeanor? A bathroom isn't the best place to put your mack down but a guy should be allowed to spit his game in public. If Craig was under the impression he was soliciting free, consensual sex with another adult then he was making the same play I made last week when I tried to pick up that sexy Brazilian female at happy hour. The difference is Craig was doing something gay.

Homosexuality isn't illegal but Republicans treat it that way. The fact that Craig was arrested for a slap-on-the-wrist crime was less of an issue than his desire to get his Ronnie Romance on with another man. Of all the Republican politicians I heard comment on the issue none of them said he should step dow because he broke the law. Rather, his conduct was unbecoming and not in line with the party ideology. A few months ago, Senator David Vitter, a Republican from Louisiana who believes marriage is a scared bond between husband and wife, admitted to adultery with female prostitutes. So how come he's still on the job and Craig isn't? It's curious how that party overlooks all kinds of questionable and hypocritical behavior but homosexuality is fundamentally unacceptable. A gay dude can be a family man who's a firm believer in conservative fiscal policy, hands-off government and low taxation but that does not make him a Republican; unless he's in the closet.

At this point the red flags should be obvious to everyone. The lawmakers who insist on legislation that discriminates against gays do so because they are gay. They're self-loathing and this is the only way they know how to cover up their secret. If this theory was a Power Ball combination I'd bet it. I'm that certain.

Here's the basics in Asics. Guys who are not gay are too busy game-planing how they're going to get laid to be concerned about what some other dude is doing in a bedroom across town. In fact, I don't want to know. Like Russell Simmons says, do you. On the slim chance you are getting your aqua boogie on with another guy, great. That means less competition for me, and I love a buyers' market. The last thing I want to do is legislate away my competitive advantage. Oh yeah, and if you know some smart, funny, cute ladies you're not interested in... because you're gay... then fly me a kite and let me know where we're meeting for cocktails. Thanks for the alley-oop, I'll be sure to put the assist to good use and dunk it with authority.

Next time a public figure blows his horn condemning the gay lifestyle or expresses the need for marriage restrictions, it's a no-brainer. Nice try on the flim-flam but we've seen this trick already. You're gay. It's unfortunate that self-loathing hypocrites get people to endorse them under false pretenses so they can then propose and vote on legislation that effects the rest of us honest Americans. Then again, I can understand why these guys are afraid to come out of the closet. That kind of honesty will cost you your career.

go slow,