When traveling on the path to an exciting, active and healthy sex life, the first key ingredient is intimacy. The most essential component begins with liking the whole of who you are. For there to be true intimacy, you must begin with the process of truly knowing, understanding and falling "in love" with yourself. A healthy sex life cannot rely solely on your partner, it must begin with you and the relationship you have with yourself.
Of course, a new relationship is exciting in and of itself. It is a period of enticement which can last anywhere from three to six months. After this time of being on a blissful high, then what? You might ask yourself, do you really like yourself? Are you comfortable enough with your body to feel happy and sexy in your own skin?
For me personally, dancing, gymnastics and yoga really helped me with my body image. These are things which helped me begin to to feel okay with the little imperfections that I now see and embrace as part of the fullness of who I am. But that process took time. The more I entered the lifestyle of yoga -- which includes eating clean, using Ayurvedic body oils, resting, meditating, channeling my creativity and sending sincere, loving compassion and forgiveness towards myself and others (perhaps the hardest part of all) -- the more my confidence rose, and that showed when I was intimate with my partner.
The secret started for me on the yoga mat where I discovered my own power. Sexuality is located in the second chakra, governing our creativity and our inner desires including our bonding instincts. If we move to the fourth chakra, or the heart, our relationships transcend sexual desires and play more upon our humanity: it becomes more about love, expression and communication. At this level, sex is much better as we move from the animal realms to the human level. As a yoga teacher, I learned to work better with imperfections and began to accept them by pouring love into those places.
If you are traveling on a path towards greater understanding and seeking greater intimacy in your life, it is only natural and instinctual that the question would arise, "Do I have the right partner?"
Yet, I believe that before asking this question, the question you should ask yourself first is, "Am I a person I would want to be with?"
If the answer you arrive at is, "yes," then you are already taking steps in the right direction.
Here are some ideas I wish to suggest for your consideration if your answer is, "yes."
Do you enjoy your own company when you are by yourself? Are you a good friend to yourself? I believe this is where our own intimacy begins. If we practice loyalty and truthfulness with ourselves, it will carry over into our relationship with our partner and the physical aspects will naturally fall into place.
Take time for yourself to become the best version of yourself that you can be before engaging with another person. Know when you need your alone time and communicate this to your partner. This becomes a step towards greater respect and intimacy. This also can apply to our moods. When we know ourselves well enough to know our shifts in emotions, it is a good idea to make some rules for ourselves, such as to not to engage in angry dialogue. Take a step back, breathe, and then reconnect. Our words are an extension of ourselves. They can be wonderful or they can be cruel. But always remember they are irrevocable once they pass our lips.
After developing a keen sense of self, take the time to create a strong bond between you and your partner. Simple strategies can nourish these ties. They can be as small as a date night to a movie or as extravagant as a weekend trip. Giving your time to another is giving them a part of who you are, a part of your life. It is imperative when developing an intimate bond with your partner.
And lastly, let go of the past. As humans, we have all made mistakes. If you have said you have forgiven something, then make sure that mean it. Do not hold your partner hostage to the past. All that will do is continually erode a relationship instead of allow it to grow. Let the past be a guiding tool, but don't let it be the tour guide.
Back to the initial core questions, "Do I have the right partner?" and, "Am I a person I would want to be with?"
If your answer is "not really," then ask yourself what changes and improvements you could make by looking at yourself with a loving eye. If you are single, describe the type of person you would want to be with. Review the qualities you listed and implement them into your own self. Once you become what you want, you will attract the type of person you are seeking.
The qualities I look for are kindness, honesty, sensitivity, the ability to be vulnerable, authenticity, rawness and the ability to communicate no matter how high the stakes are. I believe that if you and your partner are sexually and emotionally connected at both the root and heart chakras, you can reach anything in your lives together and abundance will naturally flow. It may seem like it would take a lifetime to reach these goals, but on this journey, you may find that the person you're searching for was never that far away to begin with.
Good sex is about a mutual appreciation and attraction in the moment, but great sex is about loving one another's imperfections and a real desire for heightened energy and a deeper connection. As I continue to practice yoga, I have cultivated the necessary stamina to give the best of myself to another human being. For me, yoga and embracing our earthly elements helped me eclipse my human barriers in order to evaluate my own wants, needs and desires in all dimensions of my life and because of that, I have never felt more free.
I am so blessed to be continually reminded of the wisdom from "A Course in Miracles," "The only thing missing in any relationship is what you are failing to give."
May we each find a way to stay rooted in this truth.
With Love and Blessings,
For more by Osi Mizrahi, click here.
For more on emotional wellness, click here.