Pablo Andreu

MIAMI, FL -- Police officers discovered 31-year-old Rudy Eugene eating 65-year-old Ronald Poppo's face on a busy Miami highway ramp on Tuesday. Citizens across the country are hoping that this is the beginning of a zombie apocalypse, supporting a report released last summer.

Though probably the most lurid, Eugene's episode...

More than half of Americans said that they would be afraid of a race of extraterrestrials invading Planet Earth, according to a recent CNN poll. Following the release of blockbuster action movie, The Avengers, however, that statistic has been inverted, with almost 60 percent of Americans hoping for a full-scale...

Bank of America today introduced impossible physics problems as the latest in a battery of security questions that protects customers from account breaches. One such security question asks a user to reconcile Einstein's Theory of Relativity with quantum mechanics -- a feat that has evaded cosmologists and quantum physicists to...

Commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, a replica of the Titanic, named the Gargantuan, retraced the steps of the legendary ship this past Saturday. While in the North Atlantic, the Gargantuan went searching for icebergs until it finally found and deliberately hit one.

The Gargantuan was scraped by...

Looking more and more like the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney is looking ahead to his verbal jousting with the incumbent president, Barack Obama. Romney rebuked the president for his political wavering while commending him for his unshakeable leadership.

"Barack Obama is a political opportunist who makes decisions according to the...

Miramax Films today confirmed a biopic about Tim Tebow's ascent to the position of New York Jets second-string quarterback. The movie, titled Tebowing, is due out the summer of 2013.

Tebowing, which lacks a script, cast, director and firm storyline, is already the most anticipated movie of all time. Industry...

A recent CNN poll found that 82 percent of registered Democrats are still acting like they're debating who they're going to vote for in 2012. The remaining 18 percent are so liberal that they feel it would be uncouth to pretend.

The poll asked 1,329 registered Democrats two questions. The...

Newark, N.J. -- After watching the official trailer for The Dark Knight Rises earlier today, Larry Hake, 24, asked to be put in a cryogenic state at The University Hospital at Newark. Mr. Hake elected to freeze himself with no promise of revival, because he could not bear to wait...

Characterized by anemic growth, the U.S. economy showed signs of hope today when a band of YouTube users outlined a plan for a full economic recovery. Leaving comments in a video in which a baby laughs maniacally at the sound of paper ripping, these anonymous YouTube-goers managed to uphold fiscal...

Sopchoppy, FL -- Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York and similar demonstrations across the country, Occupy Sopchoppy made a pretty half-assed attempt to take over Sopchoppy's financial district. The ragged group of listless protesters disbanded only a few hours after forming.

The movement, comprised of residents...

Beset by sexual harassment allegations, presidential hopeful Herman Cain broke his silence today, claiming that the enduring controversy was an extended part of his 9-9-9 tax plan.

The scandal began two weeks ago when it was alleged that Mr. Cain paid off subordinates while he was chief of the National...

Tarrytown, NY -- An unseasonable snowstorm caused power outages across the Northeast this Saturday, threatening to disrupt NFL Sunday and Monday Night Football. Terrified by the looming possibility of missing Sunday's and Monday's games, football fans banded together and accomplished what scientists have only theorized about: They identified a cheap...

Every year, millions of pumpkins across the country are brutally disemboweled and dissected into intricate patterns for human amusement. Despite the systematic slaughter, pumpkin suffering remains largely overlooked.

As fruit, pumpkins have little intelligence and are extremely pliable, easily coaxed out of their patches and into short-lived bondage that ends...

Occupy Wall Street, a populist movement that sprouted from a groundswell of resentment toward the banking industry, suffered a major blow today when some of the movement's incipient leaders accepted some well-paying jobs on Wall Street.

Tyler Mason, a freelance copywriter from Williamsburg and one of the first people to...

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Lauren Baker, a stout Android supporter. "I don't think that the iPhone is that hot. I think it's gotten kind of fat, actually."

The iPhone 4S, which was revealed yesterday at Cupertino, has the exact same dimensions as the last iPhone,...

Facebook made another layout change yesterday, incorporating a ticker on the upper right-hand side of the home page. Users were up in arms about the unannounced addition, complaining idly before receding into torpid complacency.

"I don't understand why Facebook has to keep messing with the layout," said Reggie Garza, a...

An earthquake that measured 5.9 on the Richter scale devastated the Eastern Seaboard this afternoon, toppling lawn chairs and causing loose change to jingle on hard surfaces.

"It was horrible," said NYU graduate student Meredith Gunzer. "One minute we were sitting there and the next we, well, I...

New York, NY -- Forensics experts have unearthed new evidence which could prove that the Cookie Monster has never eaten a single cookie in his 45-year career. If the information is verified, the Sesame Street character known for his gastronomical tunnel vision may face charges of fraud.

While investigating racketeering...

The United States, the most powerful country in the world, today asked its parents for money. The U.S. just needs a little extra cash and promises its mom and dad that it will pay them back real soon.

Normally the standard for global financial markets, America is now on the...

Aaron Ryder, a schoolboy from Raleigh, North Carolina, today solved America's debt crisis by applying long division best practices to the country's budget. Aaron, known as Brassfield Elementary's premier long division practitioner, was recruited last week by the Obama administration for his mathematical prowess.

"We knew we could benefit from...