President Barack Obama announced today that the United States will deploy all of its armed forces to the United States for a full-scale land war. The announcement was met with bipartisan approval, satisfying both hawkish Republicans and dovish Democrats.
The comprehensive plan calls for a complete and immediate withdrawal from all overseas military operations, including Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. America's men and women at arms will attack continental United States in a bicoastal offensive instead. Hawaii and Alaska will be left alone, because they don't really count.
"We expect very little resistance," said Army General Martin Dempsey. "The majority of the American population is pretty fat, weak and unmotivated. There are a few problem spots we'll avoid, like inner city areas and Texas."
Democrats have praised the president for disentangling the United States from war on foreign soil, and Republicans have commended Obama for showing decisive military leadership.
"The world will no longer view the United States as a superpower hellbent on policing other countries," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "They may think we're kind of weird, though."
"We've effectively removed ourselves from military quagmires abroad while retaining an active and ready military," said Senator Mitch McConnell, Republican Leader. "We're also much less likely to be attacked by terrorists since we will be attacking ourselves already. It would be kind of redundant, you know?"
The president assured the United States that the United States invasion would be swift and virtually free of casualties. But if the United States resisted the United States, then the United States would feel the full might of the United States, the president added.
Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.